The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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An Irish gentleman parting with a lazy servant-woman, was asked, with respect to her industry, whether she was what is termed afraid of work. "O, not at all," said he; "not at all; she'll frequently lie down and fall asleep by the very side of it."
MCCCLXXXVII.—SENSIBILITY.A keen sportsman, who kept harriers, was so vexed[Pg 305] when any noise was made while the hounds were at fault, that he rode up to a gentleman who accidentally coughed at such a time, and said, "I wish, with all my heart, sir, your cough was better."
MCCCLXXXVIII.—PATIENCE.When Lord Chesterfield was one day at Newcastle House, the Duke happening to be very particularly engaged, the Earl was requested to sit down in an ante-room. "Garnet upon Job," a book dedicated to the Duke, happened to lie in the window; and his Grace, on entering, found the Earl so busily engaged in reading, that he asked how he liked the commentary. "In any other place," replied Chesterfield, "I should not think much of it; but there is so much propriety in putting a volume upon patience in the room where every visitor has to wait for your Grace, that here it must be considered as one of the best books in the world."
MCCCLXXXIX.—WHAT'S MY THOUGHT LIKE?That up and down its awkward arm doth sway,
And coolly shout, and spout, and spout away,
In one weak, washy, everlasting flood!
MCCCXC.—NOT GIVING HIMSELF "AIRS."
Archdeacon Paley was in very high spirits when he was presented to his first preferment in the Church. He attended at a visitation dinner just after this event, and during the entertainment called out jocosely, "Waiter, shut down that window at the back of my chair, and open another behind some curate."
MCCCXCI.—A BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER."Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll[Pg 306] send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and four-pence."
MCCCXCII.—A MAN OF METAL.Edwin James, examining a witness, asked him what his business was. He answered, "A dealer in old iron."—"Then," said the counsel, "you must of course be a thief."—"I don't see," replied the witness, "why a dealer in iron must necessarily be a thief, more than a dealer in brass."
MCCCXCIII.—SPECIMEN OF THE LACONIC."Grill, you're an ass!" Now, surely, that's concise.
MCCCXCIV.—A DROP.
Dean Swift was one day in company, when the conversation fell upon the antiquity of the family. The lady of the house expatiated a little too freely on her descent, observing that her ancestors' names began with De, and, of course, of antique French extraction. When she had finished; "And now," said the Dean, "will you be so kind as to help me to a piece of that D—umpling?"
MCCCXCV.—ERROR IN JUDGMENT.An author once praised another writer very heartily to a third person. "It is very strange," was the reply, "that you speak so well of him, for he says that you are a charlatan."—"O," replied the other, "I think it very likely that both of us may be mistaken."
MCCCXCVI.—THE SUPERIORITY OF MACHINERY.If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock—and its case is uncommonly hard—
Will continue to work though it strikes!
MCCCXCVII.—THE MONEY-BORROWER DECEIVED.
A youth had borrowed a hundred pounds of a very[Pg 307] rich friend, who had concluded that he should never see them again. He was mistaken, for the youth returned him the money. Some time after, the youth came again to borrow, but was refused. "No, sir," said his friend, "you shall not deceive me twice."
MCCCXCVIII.—A SPEAKING CANVAS.Some of the friends of a famous painter, observed to him, that they never heard him bestow any praises but on his worst paintings. "True," answered he; "for the best will always praise themselves."
MCCCXCIX.—INDUSTRY OF THE ENGLISH PEOPLE.Sydney Smith, writing in the Edinburgh Review, says, "If the English were in a paradise of spontaneous productions, they would continue to dig and plough, though they were never a peach or a pine-apple the better for it."
MCD.—OCULAR.Taylor says, "My best pun was that which I made to Sheridan, who married a Miss Ogle." We were supping together at the Shakespeare, when, the conversation turning on Garrick, I asked him which of his performances he thought the best. "O," said he, "the Lear, the Lear."—"No wonder," said I, "you were fond of a Leer when you married an Ogle."
MCDI.—ON THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE WHIG ASSOCIATES OF THE PRINCE REGENT AT NOT OBTAINING OFFICE.Why thus with woe and care rent?
This is the worst that you can say,
Some wind has blown the wig away,
And left the Hair Apparent.
MCDII.—AN APT REPROOF.
Mr. Wesley, during his voyage to America, hearing an unusual noise in the cabin of General Oglethorpe (the[Pg 308] Governor of Georgia, with whom he sailed), stepped in to inquire the cause of it, on which the General immediately addressed him: "Mr. Wesley, you must excuse me. I have met with a provocation too great for man to bear. You know the only wine I drink is Cyprus wine, as it agrees with me the best of any; and this villain Grimaldi (his foreign servant) has drunk up the whole I had on board. But I will be revenged of him. I have ordered him to be tied hand and foot, and to be carried to the man-of-war that sails with us. The rascal should have taken care how he used me, for I never forgive."—"Then I hope, sir," said John Wesley, looking calmly at him, "you never sin." The General was quite confounded at the reproof, and putting his hand into his pocket took out a bunch of keys, which he threw at Grimaldi, saying, "There, villain! Take my keys, and behave better for the future."
MCDIII.—THE LAME BEGGAR."To stand or move." If he says true, he lies.
MCDIV.—HOLLAND'S FUNERAL.
Holland, who was a great favorite with Foote, died. While the funeral ceremony was performing, G. Garrick remarked to Foote: "You see what a snug family vault we have made here."—"Family vault!" said Foote, with tears trickling down his cheeks, "I thought it had been a family oven."
MCDV.—PRETTY.Hope is the dream of those who are awake.
MCDVI.—NOT IMPROBABLE.A certain young clergyman, modest almost to bashfulness, was once asked by a country apothecary, of a contrary character, in a public and crowded assembly, and in a tone of voice sufficient to catch the attention of the whole company, "How it happened that the patriarchs lived to such extreme old age?" To which question the clergyman replied, "Perhaps they took no physic."[Pg 309]
MCDVII.—SOUGHT AND FOUND.Three conceited young wits, as they thought themselves, passing along the road near Oxford, met a grave old gentleman, with whom they had a mind to be rudely merry. "Good-morrow, father Abraham," said one; "Good-morrow, father Isaac," said the next; "Good-morrow, father Jacob," cried the last. "I am neither Abraham, Isaac, nor Jacob," replied the old gentleman, "but Saul, the son of Kish, who went out to seek his father's asses, and lo! here I have found them."
MCDVIII.—NO REDEEMING VIRTUE.Enough to drive one mad, heaven knows?"
"No, please your grace,"
Cried Boniface,
With some grimace,
"Sometimes it snows."
MCDIX.—A REMARKABLE ECHO.
A certain Chief Justice, on hearing an ass bray, interrupted the late Mr. Curran, in his speech to the jury, by saying, "One at a time, Mr. Curran, if you please." The speech being finished, the judge began his charge, and during its progress the ass sent forth the full force of its lungs; whereupon the advocate said, "Does not your lordship hear a remarkable echo in the court?"
MCDX.—A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER.The father of Mrs. Siddons had always forbidden her to marry an actor, and of course she chose a member of the old gentleman's company, whom she secretly wedded. When Roger Kemble heard of it he was furious. "Have I not," he exclaimed, "dared you to marry a player?" The lady replied, with downcast eyes, that she had not disobeyed. "What, madam! have you not allied yourself to about the worst performer in my company?"—"Exactly so," murmured the timid bride; "nobody can call him an actor."[Pg 310]
MCDXI.—A PERTINENT QUESTION.Franklin was once asked, "What is the use of your discovery of atmospheric electricity?" The philosopher answered the question by another, "What is the use of a new-born infant?"
MCDXII.—A SOPORIFIC.A prosy orator reproved Lord North for going to sleep during one of his speeches. "Pooh, pooh!" said the drowsy Premier; "the physician should never quarrel with the effect of his own medicine."
MCDXIII.—THE AMENDE HONORABLE.My heart its life-string stakes."
"Quite safe!" cries Dick, "don't be afraid,
She pays for all she breaks."
MCDXIV.—ALLEGORICAL REPRESENTATION.
A painter, who was well acquainted with the dire effects of law, had to represent two men,—one who had gained a law-suit, and another who had lost one. He painted the former with a shirt on, and the latter naked.
MCDXV.—MILITARY ELOQUENCE.An officer who commanded a regiment very ill-clothed, seeing a party of the enemy advancing, who appeared newly equipped, he said to his soldiers, in order to rally them on to glory, "There, my brave fellows, go and clothe yourselves."
MCDXVI.—CUTTING OFF THE SUPPLIES.The late Duke of York is reported to have once consulted Abernethy. During the time his highness was in the room, the doctor stood before him with his hands in his pockets, waiting to be addressed, and whistling with great coolness. The Duke, naturally astonished at his conduct, said, "I suppose you know who I am?"—"Suppose I do; what of that? If your Highness of York wishes to be[Pg 311] well, let me tell you," added the surgeon, "you must do as the Duke of Wellington often did in his campaigns, cut off the supplies, and the enemy will quickly leave the citadel."
MCDXVII.—EPIGRAM."Nature the shoulder to the burden suits";
Then nature gave to Saucemore with his head,
Shoulders to carry half a ton of lead.
MCDXVIII.—A FOWL JOKE.
A City policeman before Judge Maule said he was in the hens (N) division. "Do you mean in the Poultry?" asked the Judge.
MCDXIX.—AN EXPENSIVE TRIP.Irish Johnstone, the comedian, was known to be rather parsimonious. On one of his professional visits to Dublin, he billeted himself (as was his wont) upon all his acquaintances in town. Meeting Curran afterwards in London, and talking of his great expenses, he asked the ex-Master of the Rolls what he supposed he spent in the Irish capital during his last trip. "I don't know," replied Curran; "but probably a fortnight."
MCDXX.—OLD FRIENDS.Coleman, the dramatist, was asked if he knew Theodore Hook. "Yes," replied the wit; "Hook and eye are old associates."
MCDXXI.—A REASON."I wish you at the devil!" said somebody to Wilkes. "I don't wish you there," was the answer. "Why?"—"Because I never wish to see you again!"
MCDXXII.—HONOR.During a siege the officer in command proposed to the grenadiers a large sum of money as a reward to him who[Pg 312] should first drive a fascine into a ditch which was exposed to the enemy's fire. None of the grenadiers offered. The general, astonished, began to reproach them for it. "We should have all offered," said one of these brave soldiers, "if money had not been set as the price of this action."
MCDXXIII.—JUST AS WONDERFUL.A gentleman asked a friend, in a very knowing manner, "Pray, did you ever see a cat-fish?"—"No," was the response, "but I've seen a rope-walk."
MCDXXIV.—CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME."Well, neighbor, what's the news this morning?" said a gentleman to a friend. "I have just bought a sack of flour for a poor woman."—"Just like you! Whom have you made so happy by your charity this time?"—"My wife."
MCDXXV.—QUESTION ANSWERED.That
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