The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

ingenuity. MCCXCV.—INGRATITUDE.

When Lord B—— died, a person met an old man who was one of his most intimate friends. He was pale, confused, awe-stricken. Every one was trying to console him, but in vain. "His loss," he exclaimed, "does not affect me so much as his horrible ingratitude. Would you believe it? he died without leaving me anything in his will,—I, who have dined with him, at his own house, three times a week for thirty years!"

MCCXCVI.—A PREFIX.

When Lord Melcombe's name was plain Bubb, he was intended by the administration to be sent ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield met him, and told him he was not a fit person to be representative of the crown of England at the Spanish court, on account of the shortness of his name, as the Spaniards pride themselves on the length of their titles, "unless," added his lordship, "you don't mind calling yourself Silly-Bubb!"

MCCXCVII.—A GOOD MIXTURE.

An eminent painter was once asked what he mixed his colors with in order to produce so extraordinary an effect. "I mix them with brains, sir!" was his answer.

MCCXCVIII.—SIR WALTER SCOTT'S PARRITCH-PAN.

In the museum at Abbotsford there is a small Roman patera, or goblet, in showing which Sir Walter Scott tells the following story: "I purchased this" (says he) "at a nobleman's roup near by, at the enormous sum of twenty-five guineas. I would have got it for twenty-pence if an antiquary who knew its value had not been there and opposed me. However, I was almost consoled for the bitter[Pg 284] price it cost by the amusement I derived from an old woman, who had evidently come from a distance to purchase some trifling culinary articles, and who had no taste for the antique. At every successive guinea which we bade for the patera this good old lady's mouth grew wider and wider with unsophisticated astonishment, until at last I heard her mutter to herself, in a tone which I shall never forget,—'Five-an-twenty guineas! If the parritch-pan gangs at that, what will the kail-pan gang for!'"

MCCXCIX.—HORNE TOOKE AND WILKES.

Horne Tooke having challenged Wilkes, who was then Sheriff of London and Middlesex, received the following laconic reply: "Sir, I do not think it my business to cut the throat of every desperado that may be tired of his life; but, as I am at present High Sheriff of the city of London, it may happen that I shall shortly have an opportunity of attending you in my official capacity, in which case I will answer for it that you shall have no ground to complain of my endeavors to serve you."

MCCC.—A LITERARY RENDERING.

A Scotch lady gave her servant very particular instructions regarding visitors, explaining, that they were to be shown into the drawing-room, and no doubt used the Scotticism, "Carry any ladies that call up stairs." On the arrival of the first visitors, Donald was eager to show his strict attention to the mistress's orders. Two ladies came together, and Donald, seizing one in his arms, said to the other, "Bide ye there till I come for ye," and, in spite of her struggles and remonstrances, ushered the terrified visitor into his mistress's presence in this unwonted fashion.

MCCCI.—TEMPERANCE CRUETS.

The late James Smith might often be seen at the Garrick Club, restricting himself at dinner to a half-pint of sherry; whence he was designated an incorporated temperance society. The late Sir William Aylett, a grumbling member of the Union, and a two-bottle-man, observing[Pg 285] Mr. Smith to be thus frugally furnished, eyed his cruet with contempt, and exclaimed: "So I see you have got one of those life-preservers!"

MCCCII.—DR GLYNN'S RECEIPT FOR DRESSING A CUCUMBER.

Dr. Glynn, whose name is still remembered in Cambridge, being one day in attendance on a lady, in the quality of her physician, took the liberty of lecturing her on the impropriety of eating cucumber, of which she was immoderately fond, and gave her the following humorous receipt for dressing them: "Peel the cucumber," said the doctor, "with great care; then cut it into very thin slices, pepper and salt it well, and then—throw it away."

MCCCIII.—"WHAT'S A HAT WITHOUT A HEAD?"

Captain Innes of the Guards (usually called Jock Innes by his contemporaries) was with others getting ready for Flushing, or some of those expeditions at the beginning of the great war. His commanding officer remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one. "Na! na! bide a wee," said Jock; "whare we're ga'in', faith there'll soon be mair hats nor heads."

MCCCIV.—SEVERE REBUKE.

Sir William B. being at a parish meeting, made some proposals which were objected to by a farmer. Highly enraged, "Sir," said he to the farmer, "do you know that I have been at two universities, and at two colleges in each university?"—"Well, sir," replied the farmer, "what of that? I had a calf that sucked two cows, and the observation I made was, the more he sucked the greater calf he grew."

MCCCV.—HORSES TO GRASS.

In an Irish paper was an advertisement for horses to stand at livery, on the following terms:—

    Long-tailed horses, at 3s. 6d. per week.
    Short-tailed horses at 3s. per week.

On inquiry into the cause of the difference, it was answered,[Pg 286] that the horses with long tails could brush the flies off their backs while eating, whereas the short-tailed horses were obliged to take their heads from the manger.

MCCCVI.—INADVERTENCE AND EPICURISM.

When the Duke of Wellington was at Paris, as Commander of the Allied Armies, he was invited to dine with Cambacères, one of the most distinguished statesmen and gourmets of the time of Napoleon. In the course of dinner, his host having helped him to some particularly recherché dish, expressed a hope that he found it agreeable. "Very good," said the Duke, who was probably reflecting on Waterloo; "very good, but I really do not care what I eat."—"Don't care what you eat!" exclaimed Cambacères, as he started back, and dropped his fork; "what did you come here for, then!"

MCCCVII.—VERY TRUE.

"All that is necessary for the enjoyment of sausages at breakfast is confidence."

MCCCVIII.—A JEW'S EYE TO BUSINESS.

A Jew, who was condemned to be hanged, was brought to the gallows, and was just on the point of being turned off, when a reprieve arrived. When informed of this, it was expected he would instantly have quitted the cart, but he stayed to see a fellow-prisoner hanged; and being asked why he did not get about his business, he said, "he waited to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the other gentleman's clothes."

MCCCIX.—ST. PETER A BACHELOR.

In the list of benefactors to Peter-House is Lady Mary Ramsay, who is reported to have offered a very large property, nearly equal to a new foundation to this college, on condition that the name should be changed to Peter and Mary's; but she was thwarted in her intention by Dr. Soame, then master. "Peter," said the crabbed humorist, "has been too long a bachelor to think of a female companion in his old days."[Pg 287]

MCCCX.—TRUE OF BOTH.

"I swear," said a gentleman to his mistress, "you are very handsome."—"Pooh!" said the lady, "so you would say if you did not think so."—"And so you would think," answered he, "though I should not say so."

MCCCXI.—A POSER.

A lecturer, wishing to explain to a little girl the manner in which a lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said, "What do you do when you have outgrown your clothes? You throw them aside, don't you?"—"O no!" replied the little one, "we let out the tucks!" The doctor confessed she had the advantage of him there.

MCCCXII.—VERY APPROPRIATE.

A facetious old gentleman, who thought his two sons consumed too much time in hunting and shooting, styled them Nimrod and Ramrod.

MCCCXIII.—A BAD JUDGE.

Upon the occasion of the birth of the Princess Royal, the Duke of Wellington was in the act of leaving Buckingham Palace, when he met Lord Hill; in answer to whose inquiries about Her Majesty and the little stranger, his grace replied, "Very fine child, and very red, very red; nearly as red as you, Hill!" a jocose allusion to Lord Hill's claret complexion.

MCCCXIV.—WHITE HANDS.

In a country market a lady, laying her hand upon a joint of veal, said, "Mr. Smallbone, I think this veal is not quite so white as usual."—"Put on your gloves, madam," replied the butcher, "and you will think differently." The lady did so, and the veal was ordered home immediately.

MCCCXV.—TRUE TO THE LETTER.

It may be all very well to say that the office of a tax-gatherer needs no great ability for the fulfilment of its duties,[Pg 288] but there is no employment which requires such constant application.

MCCCXVI.—SIR WALTER SCOTT AND CONSTABLE.

Scott is known to have profited much by Constable's bibliographical knowledge, which was very extensive. The latter christened "Kenilworth," which Scott named "Cumnor Hall." John Ballantyne objected to the former title, and told Constable the result would be "something worthy of the kennel"; but the result proved the reverse. Mr. Cadell relates that Constable's vanity boiled over so much at this time, on having his suggestions gone into, that, in his high moods, he used to stalk up and down his room, and exclaim, "By Jove, I am all but the author of the Waverley Novels!"

MCCCXVII.—TRUE PHILOSOPHY.

Le Sage, the author of Gil Blas, said, to console himself for his deafness, with his usual humor, "When I go into a company where I find a great number of blockheads and babblers, I replace my trumpet in my pocket, and cry, 'Now, gentlemen, I defy you all.'"

MCCCXVIII.—ANSWERED AT ONCE.

A Scotch clergyman preaching a drowsy sermon, asked, "What is the price of earthly pleasure?" The deacon, a fat grocer, woke up hastily from a sound sleep, and cried out, lustily, "Seven-and-sixpence a dozen!"

MCCCXIX.—A DEADLY WEAPON.

"Well, sir," asked a noisy disputant, "don't you think that I have mauled my antagonist to some purpose?"—"O yes," replied a listener, "you have,—and if ever I should happen to fight with the Philistines, I'll borrow your jaw-bone!"

MCCCXX.—EQUALITY OF THE LAW.

The following cannot be omitted from a Jest Book, although somewhat lengthy:—

A man was convicted of bigamy, and the annexed conversation[Pg 289] took place.—Clerk of Assize: "What have you to say why judgment should not be passed upon you according to law?" Prisoner: "Well, my Lord, my wife took up with a hawker, and run away five years ago, and I've never seen her since, and I married this other woman last winter." Mr. Justice Maule: "I will tell you what you ought to have done; and if you say you did not know, I must tell you the law conclusively presumes that you did. You ought to have instructed your attorney to bring an action against the hawker for criminal conversation with your wife. That would have cost you about £100. When you had recovered substantial damages against the hawker, you would have instructed your proctor to sue in the Ecclesiastical Courts for a divorce à mensa atque thoro. That would have cost you £200 or £300 more. When you had obtained a divorce à mensa atque thoro, you would have had to appear by counsel before the House of Lords for a divorce à vinculo matrimonii. The bill might have been opposed in all its stages in both Houses of Parliament; and altogether you would have had to spend about £1000 or £1200. You will probably tell me that you never had a thousand farthings of your own in the world; but, prisoner, that makes no difference. Sitting here as a British judge, it is my duty to tell you that this is not a country in which there is one law for the rich and another for the poor."

MCCCXXI.—OPEN CONFESSION.

In a cause tried in the Court of Queen's Bench, the plaintiff being a widow, and the defendants two medical men who had treated her for delirium tremens, and put her under restraint as a lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. The last witness called by Mr. Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence by describing a case of delirium tremens treated by him, in which the patient recovered in a single night. "It was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking, sipping all day, from morning till night." These words were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, turning to the Bench, said, "My lord, that is my case."[Pg 290]

MCCCXXII.—QUITE PROFESSIONAL.

A comedian, who had been almost lifted from his feet by the pressure at the funeral of a celebrated tragedian, ultimately reached the church-door. Having recovered his breath, which