The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

sitting once in a beautiful[Pg 276] recess in the Quantock Hills, when the latter said, "Citizen John, this is a fine place to talk treason in!"—"Nay, Citizen Samuel," replied he; "It is rather a place to make a man forget that there is any necessity for treason!" MCCLXVI.—A FLASH OF WIT.

Sydney Smith, after Macaulay's return from the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking of the distinguished conversationalist: "Yes, he is certainly more agreeable since his return from India. His enemies might perhaps have said before (though I never did so) that he talked rather too much; but now he has occasional flashes of silence, that make his conversation perfectly delightful!"

MCCLXVII.—LOST AND FOUND.

The ferryman, whilst plying over a water which was only slightly agitated, was asked by a timid lady in his boat, whether any persons were ever lost in that river. "O no," said he, "we always finds 'em agin the next day."

MCCLXVIII.—A MILITARY AXIOM.

An old soldier having been brought up to vote at an election at the expense of one of the candidates, voted for his opponent, and when reproached for his conduct, replied, "Always quarter upon the enemy, my lads; always quarter upon the enemy."

MCCLXIX.—A FORCIBLE ARGUMENT.

That erudite Cantab, Bishop Burnett, preaching before Charles II., being much warmed with his subject, uttered some religious truth with great vehemence, and at the same time, striking his fist on the desk with great violence, cried out, "Who dare deny this?"—"Faith," said the king, in a tone more piano than that of the orator, "nobody that is within the reach of that fist of yours."

MCCLXX.—NOT TO BE DONE BROWN.

Dr. Thomas Brown courted a lady for many years,[Pg 277] but unsuccessfully, during which time it had been his custom to drink the lady's health before that of any other; but being observed one evening to omit it, a gentleman reminded him of it, and said, "Come, doctor, drink the lady, your toast." The doctor replied, "I have toasted her many years, and I cannot make her Brown, so I'll toast her no longer."

MCCLXXI.—AN ODD NOTION.

A lady the other day meeting a girl who had lately left her service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"—"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I am married!"

MCCLXXII.—A SURE TAKE.

An old sportsman, who, at the age of eighty-three, was met by a friend riding very fast, and was asked what he was in pursuit of? "Why, sir," replied the other, "I am riding after my eighty-fourth year."

MCCLXXIII.—MR. TIERNEY'S HUMOR.

Mr. Tierney, when alluding to the difficulty the Foxites and Pittites had in passing over to join each other in attacking the Addington Ministry (forgetting at the moment how easily he had himself overcome a like difficulty in joining that Ministry), alluded to the puzzle of the Fox and the Goose, and did not clearly expound his idea. Whereupon, Mr. Dudley North said, "It's himself he means,—who left the Fox to go over to the Goose, and put the bag of oats in his pocket."

MCCLXXIV.—DIFFERENCE OF OPINION.

"If I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to have a stupid son, I would certainly by all means make him a parson." A clergyman who was in company calmly replied, "You think differently, sir, from your father."

MCCLXXV.—ORTHOGRAPHY.

The laird of M'N——b was writing a letter from an Edinburgh coffee-house, when a friend observed that he[Pg 278] was setting at defiance the laws of orthography and grammar. "I ken that weel eno'!" exclaimed the Highland chieftain, "but how can a man write grammar with a pen like this?"

MCCLXXVI.—A SHORT JOURNEY.

"Zounds, fellow!" exclaimed a choleric old gentleman to a very phlegmatic matter-of-fact person, "I shall go out of my wits."—"Well, you won't have far to go," said the phlegmatic man.

MCCLXXVII.—LORD HOWE.

Admiral Lord Howe, when a captain, was once hastily awakened in the middle of the night by the lieutenant of the watch, who informed him with great agitation that the ship was on fire near the magazine. "If that be the case," said he, rising leisurely to put on his clothes, "we shall soon know it." The lieutenant flew back to the scene of danger, and almost instantly returning, exclaimed, "You need not, sir, be afraid, the fire is extinguished."—"Afraid!" exclaimed Howe, "what do you mean by that, sir? I never was afraid in my life"; and looking the lieutenant full in the face, he added, "Pray, how does a man feel, sir, when he is afraid? I need not ask how he looks."

MCCLXXVIII.—RATHER ETHEREAL.

Dr. John Wilkins wrote a work in the reign of Charles II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, "Doctor, where am I to bait at in the upward journey?"—"My lady," replied the doctor, "of all the people in the world, I never expected that question from you; who have built so many castles in the air that you might lie every night at one of your own."

MCCLXXIX.—HENRY VIII.

This monarch, after the death of Jane Seymour, had some difficulty to get another wife. His first offer was to[Pg 279] the Duchess Dowager of Milan; but her answer was, "She had but one head; if she had two, one should have been at his service."

MCCLXXX.—MELODRAMATIC HIT.

Burke's was a complete failure, when he flung the dagger on the floor of the House of Commons, and produced nothing but a smothered laugh, and a joke from Sheridan.—"The gentleman has brought us the knife, but where is the fork?"

MCCLXXXI.—A LONG ILLNESS.

A clergyman in the country taking his text from the fourteenth verse of the third chapter of St. Matthew: "And Peter's wife's mother lay sick of a fever," preached three Sundays on the same subject. Soon after, two country fellows going across a churchyard, and hearing the bell toll, one asked the other who it was for? "I can't exactly tell," replied he; "but it may be for Peter's wife's mother, for she has been sick of a fever these three weeks."

MCCLXXXII.—DIALOGUE IN THE WESTERN ISLANDS OF SCOTLAND.

"How long is this loch?"

"It will be about twanty mile."

"Twenty miles! surely it cannot be so much?"

"Maybe it will be twelve."

"It does not really seem more than four."

"Indeed, I'm thinking you're right."

"Really, you seem to know nothing about the matter."

"Troth, I canna say I do."

MCCLXXXIII.—WHAT'S IN A NAME?

Soon after Lord ——'s elevation to the peerage, he remarked that authors were often very ridiculous in the titles they gave. "That," said a distinguished writer present, "is an error from which even sovereigns appear not to be exempt."[Pg 280]

MCCLXXXIV.—TILLOTSON.

Who was then Archbishop of Canterbury, on King William's complaining of the shortness of his sermon, answered, "Sire, could I have bestowed more time upon it, it would not have been so long!"

MCCLXXXV.—IMPORTANT TO BACHELORS.

Some clever fellow has invented a new kind of ink, called "the love-letter ink." It is a sure preventive against all cases of "breach of promise," as the ink fades away, and leaves the sheet blank, in about four weeks after being written upon.

MCCLXXXVI.—CHIN-SURVEYING.

A person not far from Torrington, Devon, whose face is somewhat above the ordinary dimensions, has been waited on and shaved by a certain barber every day for twenty-one years, without coming to any regular settlement; the tradesman, thinking it time to wind up the account, carried in his bill, charging one penny per day, which amounted to 31l. 9s. 2d. The gentleman, thinking this rather exorbitant, made some scruple about payment, when the tonsor proposed, if his customer thought proper, to charge by the acre, at the rate of 200l. This was readily agreed to, and on measuring the premises, 192 square inches proved to be the contents, which, traversed over 7670 times, would measure 1,472,640 inches, the charge for which would be 46l. 19s. 1d.—being 15l. 9s. 11d. in favor of chin-surveying.

MCCLXXXVII.—CHANGING HATS.

Barry the painter was with Nollekens at Rome in 1760, and they were extremely intimate. Barry took the liberty one night, when they were about to leave the English coffee-house, to exchange hats with him. Barry's was edged with lace, and Nollekens's was a very shabby, plain one. Upon his returning the hat the next morning, he was asked by Nollekens why he left him his gold-laced hat. "Why, to tell you the truth, my dear Joey," answered[Pg 281] Barry, "I fully expected assassination last night; and I was to have been known by my laced hat." Nollekens used to relate the story, adding, "It's what the Old-Bailey people would call a true bill against Jem."

MCCLXXXVIII.—POWDER WITHOUT BALL.

Dr. Goodall, of Eton, about the same time that he was made Provost of Eton, received also a Stall at Windsor. A young lady, whilst congratulating him on his elevation, and requesting him to give a ball during the vacation, happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed, "My dear, you see you can get the powder out of the cannon, but not the ball."

MCCLXXXIX.—POPE'S LAST ILLNESS.

During Pope's last illness, a squabble happened in his chamber, between his two physicians, Dr. Burton and Dr. Thomson, they mutually charging each other with hastening the death of the patient by improper prescriptions. Pope at length silenced them by saying, "Gentlemen, I only learn by your discourse that I am in a dangerous way; therefore, all I now ask is, that the following epigram may be added after my death to the next edition of the Dunciad, by way of postscript:—