Love Letters - Amanda (top young adult novels .TXT) 📗

desperacy to be loved? Hate me for breaking my promise to you, for betraying you?

I promised you I'd always be yours, there'd be noone else I'd love, and I would always remember you. I'd never betray you. I haven't forgotten you or what drove us apart. i haven't forgotten the things we talked about, and I haven't forgotten the reason we no longer talk. It's been too damn long and we're too "far away" to be saved now. 

"I love you, and I have loved you all along.
And I miss you. Been far away for far
too long. I keep dreaming you'll be with
me and you'll never go. i'd stop breathing
if I didn't see you again."

Darling, I remember how we met. All Region Choir Workshop. My friend and I sat at a table at lunch with you and your girlfriend at the time. Somehow we started laughing (my friend and I) uncontrollaby. We'd calm down and I'd look at you or she'd look at me and it would start all over again. You kept giving me the "wow-you-are-insane-crazy-gurl" look. Later you gave another friend a hug and I was all "Dude how you know her? You're her cousin, that's how. And I said "Well, she's my best friend" or something like that. Anyway you gave me a hug and said I was a "crazy girl." 

My friend said you and your girl had broke up, and she hooked us up.

Second time I saw you- Marching Band contest. And you held me close to you cuz I forgot my jacket on our bus. I was surprised when you bought me nachos, skittles, and a Dr. Pepper. You kissed me, and I wanted to cry cuz I was scared that you would hate me when you found out I wasn't a virgin. You really shocked me then. After that I felt better. And I let you kiss me again. And again. I was scared you'd think I was ugly in our uniforms but you liked it. You pulled my hair down from a ponytail and said you loved me.

I miss that simplicity from you. And your constant teasing because I was short-- but in my defense you were exactly a foot taller than me. 5'3" and 6'3" is quite drastic Dear. And the word goof, how you just thought I was adorable andsilly. I just miss you Doll.

Then some very bad bad things happened with my e and I broke up with you because he threatened you and me. I didn't tell you, oh I should have told you. Five months later you randomly texted me. We talked about everything. And I knew. I was no longer cute or good or a "goof" in your eyes. A seriousness wrapped around us, and I knew no matter what I'd never have you back. 

Not in the same way. 

We finally started to lighten up when we talked. You opened upto me, and became the same person you had been before. But I was no longer the same. It was like a spark had died within me. I was not fun anymore. I just did what it took not to go insane. 

We got really close again. I made you that promise and you said you would always love me. Then I did something that stabbed you right through the heart. I stopped caring about the one thing I should have cared about. Not on purpose, but I had stopped caring about life. I was no longer worried what happened to me. And that's when "it" happened. It killed you, knowing I'd let it happen, and I knew you hated me. I hated me. I drove a knife right through you.

I could say nothing in my defense. I thought if you didn't know my pain it wouldn't matter so I hid the pain, and pretended I didn't care. 

And you were gone. Suddenly just gone.

***

And finally I moved on too. i got in some flat out shitty relationships and got hurt over and over. I could just picture you saying to me "Quit. Quit putting yourself up to get hurt." I could picture you holding me and saying to stop searching. So because of this fucking image I'd conjured I did. I stopped searching. Music became my life. I let noone in. Nobody. I wanted me, the darkness, and the notes wrapping around me; nothing else. 

My band director convinced me to try out for All Region, and finally I did agree. I did it thinking I'd never have a chance. And I made it. I cried when I found out. I didn't want to make it. But I did. I was exposed, naked, the darkness ripped away from me. 

When I went to the clinic, I was okayish. Noone talked to me. Noone noticed me. I was safe. Then the final day that bloody Cabot kid decided to talk to me. Me?! I was scared to death. I was shaking, but he was nice and wouldn't stop talking. I let myself focus on him instead of being scared. 

I immediately liked his voice. I wanted him to keep talking, so I talked to him so he would. I liked his hair. I'd never seen someone our age with that color hair and not look dorky. But he didn't look too much like a dork. I liked his eyes too. They had that pure hazel color that reminds me of skittles for some reason. 

I knew just from looking at him and him talking to me he was innocent. He was good and intelligent, secular, untouched by sophistry, and also very nervous- naturally. Scared to insult someone. I remember thinking "There is no way someone so jittery and bubbly and obviously a perfectionist could possibly be in band."

***

Anyways, I traded numbers with him. We talked and texted and I really liked him. He was so interesting to me. We began dating. And I hate admitting this afer closing out everyone and everything, I've fallen for him. He's just so good and nice and wonderful to me. 

I used to feel pain- unmeasurable pain- when I heard about your gurl and how you're so in love with her. But now-- I get it.

I want to thank you, Darling, for teaching me how to love. And now I can and I do love again. Never forget me, and I will never ever forget you. I love you Darling. 

8. From Me to You

I love the way you tell me I'm beautiful. I love the way you look at me like I'm an angel. I love the way you smile at me when I'm feeling sad. I love the way you make me laugh. I love the way you drive me crazy. I love the way you speak your mind. I love the way you love me.

Take a guess to who I am. Take a guess to what I'm thinking. Take a guess to when I smile. Take a guess to where my heart is. Take a guess to why I care. 

Don't lie to me. Don't hurt me. Don't yell at me. Don't leave me. I make my promise, the one I'll keep, one written on my heart. Promise me you'll love me for me, and I'll be yours forever. I won't lie to you. I won't hurt you. I won't yell at you. I won't criticize you. 

Promise forever, and be mine. I may not be much, but I'm yours. I love you always. 

9. You

Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? How absolutely wonderful it is to call myself yours. I want to be right where I am forever. Because right here with you means more than anything else possily could. You don't have to worry about your past; it means nothing to me. I won't let that stuff happen again anyway. It hurts too much seeing you in any kind of pain. I want nothing more than to take all of that away. And you don't have to worry about the future because I am right here and I won't give up on us. You've made my life worth living. When I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself anymore. You've come into my life, and like a magi, you've completely changed me. I am no longer afraid of waking up from a nightmare and being alone. I am no longer worried if what I do or say is going to provoke anger. I am no longer concerned with any one else but you. 

I don't know if you recall every word I have told you, and as it is, you don't have to. I just want you to know that whatever happens, nothing can deter me from the path I've chosen. Many people have tried, and it almost broke me. By the time I met you, I felt absolutely pitiful, broken beyond repair. Worthless. I seen nothing else I could lose, so I let you come into my life. Your jagged emotions and your heartfelt words have softened my heart. Every time I see your name on my phone, I smile. Every time I hear your voice, my heart swells. Every time I see you, I forget how to breathe. You have such an impact on me that I can't help it. Even after this long, you affect me. I can't express the depth of it, or the reason behind it. 

You make every day so special. I can never get enough of your presence. Being around you lightens my heart. You are the reason I wake up every morning and get out of bed. You are the reason I hold my tongue towards others when all I want to do is scream. You are the one I run to when I don't know what to do anymore. When everything feels hopeless, I turn to you. You are the one I know I can always count on. You are the one who makes it okay. The one who holds me tight when there is nothing to do but let me cry. You are the reason of my existence.  I want nothing more than to feel this warmth every day of my life. To have you as MINE for that expanse of time. I love you more than anything else in the world.