Love Letters - Amanda (top young adult novels .TXT) 📗

care of beauty. I want to see how you judge my words and react to me. Will you react to me sweetly? 14. August 22, 2014

I can’t help to think of you daily. It’s been six months since we broke up. Six long lonely months, and absolutely nothing to show for it. And the truth is, despite everything, I miss you even more every single day. You were from day one my very best friend in the world, and the way I felt when I was with you has zero comparison. You are mi mariposa and nothing in this world can change that. It is so incredibly hard to talk to you. You have seemed happy and things look up for you every day. And here I am falling apart inside and unwilling to admit to anyone even myself how undeniably I am still in love with you. I fear no one would understand it the way I do. Not when they mock and look down upon what we had. They wouldn’t be able to sympathize that part of me is missing; it’s not coming back because I belonged to you and you I. When we are apart you still hold me. Some people think I need a new boyfriend, that I should be over you- but I can’t. The emptiness inside me can’t be filled like that. Only by you. I miss you, I need you, I love you. 

15. Alone

How is it possible to be surrounded by people you love and still feel so alone? To feel like you can’t open up because they won’t understand that everything you’ve loved you’ve lost? That your whole world is crashing down around you? And above all, you can’t fix any of it…

            I messed up our relationship pretty thoroughly, hurting you way deeper then ever intended. At the time it seemed the right thing to do- all we were accomplishing was hurting each other. I couldn’t bear to be the cause of your suffering, and so I did it. I regretted it but I had to know you were happy even if it wasn’t with me. I see now that there were options besides ending it, but it’s too late now and you probably hate me. I don’t blame you. I hate me too.

            I pray you are happy now. 

16. You

            I am completely unable to be in the same mindset as you are. That’s how its always been. Where you are open with your emotions, I try to hide mine. I am scared of hurting people and it almost always ends in me accomplishing just that. That’s what happened to us. I hurt you, and I’ll never forgive myself. Now we don’t even talk and it sucks. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever known. You are the person I love, and the one who has my heart. The first person to treat me so good. Who let me be myself and express myself. You loved me for who I was- a tainted and destructive person. I was so destructive and poisonous to you- I’m so damn sorry.

            If I could change things, I would without thinking. I’d find a way to make you mine again and I’d show you how much you mean to me instead of taking you for granted .I’d love you the way you deserve and make sure you know just how special you are. I’d hold your hand and kiss you and never let you go. I’d be who you need me to be. A friend, a confidante, a shoulder to lean on. Like I should have been.

            I remember thinking on several occasions when we were together that we were coming to an end. I remember the feeling of losing control over the situation. It was like it was already too late to fix things. I couldn’t break through the walls you’d built against me and I was too selfish to let you see through mine. Towards the end all we did was fight. We’d hang up the phones crying or mad from raising our voices. We were miserable and pitiful. I felt trapped and suffocated and you felt alone and unable to reach me. Truth is, I wouldn’t let you. I needed space I thought. I could have never been more wrong. It’s obvious all I ever needed was you. I still need you. I want nothing more and I don’t want anyone else. I want you. Only you. . . 

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Publication Date: 01-28-2013

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