First Kiss Last by Sara Miller (read e book .TXT) 📗

“I know you can’t, Leah. But why does every damn thing have to be about you not being able to get pregnant?!”

Leah froze. Her husband’s words, so harsh and unexpected, chilled her even further. She did not know how to respond. When she felt herself start to shake, she spoke.

“Hand me my nightgown, please.” She pointed across the room where it hung on a hook behind the door. At first, it looked like Eric would not comply. “I’m cold and I’m not having this conversation naked.”

Eric crossed the room and retrieved the gown. He brought it back and held it out to her, not getting back into bed. She took it, slipped on the gown and pulled the covers around her. Leah did not know what to say. She watched as Eric raked a hand through his jet black hair. It was always perfectly cut. He stood tall and proud, as handsome and formidable as ever.

“It’s all this baby stuff. When are you gonna let it go?” His hands on his hips, demanding an answer.

“Baby stuff,” she repeated. “Let it go?” She blinked at her husband. Suddenly unprepared to have this long overdue conversation.

“You’ve tried everything. You are obsessed. There’s no pleasure in sex anymore. And you only wanna do it if you’re ovulating! It’s so forced. You’ve been acting so weird. Is that really all you care about? Do you even love me?”

“I . . .” A few weeks ago, she would have immediately said she loved him. Now? She didn’t know. Her brain refused to function. “I thought . . .”

“You thought what, Leah? That I wanted this?” He gestured between them. “That I wanted to get married and have a house in the country, full of kids, white picket fence and all? That’s not me, babe. It’s never been me, it won’t ever be me. I tried to make us happy, just you and me. Here, like this. But you won’t let it go.”

Listening to Eric, Leah’s stomach sank. He was not happy either. But how was this her fault? He was the one who proposed marriage!

“Why did you even marry me then?” She did not realize she had spoken out loud until she heard her own voice.

“We’re really doing this, aren’t we?” Eric sat down on the bed. Shoulders slumped. “You know why. You were pregnant . . .” He held his head in his hands and did not look at her.

She turned away, staring but seeing nothing. Her eyes burned with unshed tears. Another crack formed in her already broken heart.

“And you’re finally telling me now . . . seven years later, that it was never what you wanted? You never wanted me. You never wanted our baby. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I did what I thought was right. For you. For the baby. I really liked you. You were so excited about being pregnant. And then the wedding. Everything was rushed. And when . . . you know . . . after you lost the baby. You were so broken inside. Tell me, Leah, what the hell was I supposed to do? Say ‘oh well’? Tell you I was relieved? Dump you? I couldn’t do that. It killed me watching you go through that! So I tried to make us both happy. And now neither of us are . . .”

Hot tears were pouring down her face. She went to him and put her arms around him.

“Thank you for telling me,” she whispered. “I’m sorry.” And she was. Sorry they were both so miserable. Sorry she didn’t know how to fix it. Sorry she couldn’t change what her heart still wanted.

Leah had run out of words. She couldn’t tell him how she felt because she did not know herself. The dreams about Cade had her so confused. But in this moment she was only thinking about Eric and their life together. This was real. Eric was real. She kissed him and he kissed her back.

She let Eric remove her nightgown. For the first time in years they made love for the pure pleasure of it. No agenda. No pressure. It just was. Afterwards, Leah fell into a deep sleep and did not dream.

The next morning, Leah woke to Eric getting dressed for work. She tried to figure out what day it was and landed on Friday.

“You gonna get up? Go to work?”

She shook her head and reached for her phone. It was dead. She had not plugged it in before she crashed. Attaching the charger cable she looked at her husband. He seemed extra-focused on his tie.

“Are we okay?” she asked.

“I dunno, babe.” He still avoided looking at her. “I need some time. I need to think.”

“Time,” she repeated. “Like just time to think or . . .” Her voice trailed off when she saw a bag packed, sitting next to the door. “Eric?” Her voice cracked on his name and he finally met her eye.

“Yeah, time to think.” He saw here eyeing the bag. “I’m just going out of town with the boys, babe. It’s been planned for months. We always go at the end of September.”

She didn’t remember any plans but nodded. He came over to the bed, sat on the edge and took her hand.

“Last night . . .” he paused and tried again. “Last night was bittersweet, ya know?” He looked away. “I think we both need some time. When I get back, I think I’ll stay in the guest room for a while, okay?”

Eric did not wait for a reply. He just released her hand, kissed her on top of the head as he stood, and walked to the door.

Her mind screamed for her to say or do something! Her heart just watched him go, picking up his bag and leaving without a backward glance.

Leah did not cry. She picked up her phone and turned it on. She called her boss to tell him she would not be in, apologized for the