First Kiss Last by Sara Miller (read e book .TXT) 📗

“And now?”

She watched as Lily practically held her breath, waiting for an answer. Leah gave her another nod.

“About you and Eric?”

Leah did not move her head. She held her breath and didn’t even blink. She couldn’t. But her sister understood her non-answer.

“Someone else? But . . .”

“I can’t talk about it, Lily. Please. I never should have reminded you. I just can’t. Nothing feels right anymore. I’m confused and unhappy and I feel like a crazy person. Eric doesn’t know. Past or present. Can’t know. I wouldn’t be able to explain it. He wouldn’t understand. Heck, I don’t even understand it and I’m living it. I . . . I . . .” Damnit, she did not want to break down and cry in the mall of all places! Thankfully, her sister took pity on her.

“Okay, come on, what’s left on your list?” Lily scooped up the bags and looked around guessing.

Leah got up and hugged her sister. She knew the discussion wasn’t truly over but she was thankful for the reprieve. Eventually she would have to tell her. But for now, more shopping.

A couple hours later, Leah found herself alone. Lily had dropped her and a backseat full of shopping bags off at the apartment. As she let herself in, the contrast between her and Eric’s decorating styles was almost overwhelming. To her, their home felt devoid of life and color. It gave her a hollow feeling.

Looking at the bags in her hands, Leah nodded to herself and headed for the master bedroom. She dumped her packages unceremoniously on the floor. This room, the bed, it was all him and none of her. It was time to take charge.

Chapter 8

First thing she did was start a load of laundry. Leah did not realize how much she had purchased. Her first load was to wash her new sheets and bedding. While that was going, she stripped the bedroom of everything gray.

Then she installed curtain rods to hang the new drapes. The sheer aqua fabric added a warmth the white blinds were lacking.

Next came a plush throw rug. She removed the sleek metallic reading lamps and replaced them with cheerful bedside lamps. Both gave off a warm yellow glow.

Leah looked around, wondering what was next. She spied her nightgown and took it off the hook. She dug through her dresser drawers and found two more just like it and marched them straight to the trash.

When the wash cycle was over, Leah put the bedding in the dryer and started a second load. She looked forward to wearing the new pajamas she had purchased.

Leah looked around and realized she had done all she could until the washer-dryer cycle was ready. Checking the time, it occurred to her she should start thinking about dinner, but she was not hungry.

Truth was, she wasn’t anything. She wasn’t motivated to eat. She wasn’t mad at Eric or worried about their relationship. She wasn’t anxious at the thought of sleeping tonight. Everything felt wide open and unknown. She just felt neutral inside and was waiting to see what would happen next. Like this was not even her life. She felt numb.

She made a sandwich and ate silently, standing in the kitchen. Leah took in the open floor plan: the high-top island with bar stools where they usually ate, the small dining room table there was barely room for, the modern couch that was stiff and uncomfortable. Everything was hard or metallic. Leah saw gray, white, black, and more gray. Even the wood floors somehow lacked color.

Worse yet, Leah did not see herself anywhere in the room. Sure, a canvas print of their wedding photo hung on one wall. And she knew her coat and purse were tucked into a closet by the door. But where else was her presence known? She wandered the apartment. A toothbrush, a laundry basket with a few dirty clothes, half a closet and a few drawers. A couple rows of books and a few photos.

Leah was stunned at the realization. She was no longer numb.

Grabbing Gigi’s thick sweater from her closet, Leah tossed it on and made for the door. She climbed the stairs to the shared rooftop area. Thankfully the place was deserted. Probably because of the cooler weather, shorter daylight hours, and the current dinner hour.

Making her way to a lounge chair, Leah collapsed into it. Her distress about her absence from the apartment hither all at once. She pulled the sweater more tightly around her, as if Gigi herself were here again, holding her close. Leah wished she could talk to her. She did not understand what was happening in her life or what she could do to handle it.

Sharp pains shot through her chest. Leah tried to catch her breath and was shocked to realize she was crying. Again. So much for not feeling anything, now she was feeling everything. She sat back, closed her eyes and let the tears flow.

The city sounds slowly faded away. Leah could hear the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and a few birds chirping. Even the scent of the air had changed. She swiped at her face, her tears slowing down.

“Leah?”

Cade’s voice should have startled her but it didn’t. She must have fallen asleep as she cried. Leah pulled a tissue from her sweater pocket and dabbed at her eyes. She heard the crunch of footsteps over earth as he approached.

“Leah, why are you crying? Are you okay?” His voice was tender and full of concern. She opened her eyes to see him crouched in front of her. She stared into his gorgeous eyes and offered him a weak smile.

“I’m okay.” It came out with no conviction.

He searched her face, “Honey, if you were okay, you wouldn’t be sitting out here crying.” It was said with a gentle laugh but his smile quickly faded.

“I was lying on the couch watching football . . .” He looked confused, then she watched as understanding dawned.