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I could add,
ā€™Tis plain you cannot now do worse
Than take this out-of-fashionā€™d course,
To hope, by stratagem, to woo her,
Or waging battle to subdue her:
Though some have done it in romances
And bangā€™d them into amorous fancies;
As those who won the Amazons,
By wanton drubbing of their bones;
And stout Rinaldo gainā€™d his bride,206
By courting of her back and side.
But since those times and feats are over,
They are not for a modern lover,
When mistresses are too cross-grainā€™d
By such addresses to be gainā€™d;
And if they were, would have it out
With many another kind of bout.
Therefore I hold no course sā€™ infeasible,
As this of force, to win the Jezebel;
To storm her heart, by thā€™ antic charms
Of ladies errant, force of arms:
But rather strive by law to win her,
And try the title you have in her.
Your case is clear; you have her word,
And me to witness the accord;
Besides two more of her retinue
To testify what passā€™d between you;
More probable, and like to hold,
Than hand, or seal, or breaking gold;
For which so many that renouncā€™d
Their plighted contracts have been trouncā€™d;
And bills upon record been found,
That forcā€™d the ladies to compound;
And that, unless I miss the matter,
Is all the busā€™ness you look after.
Besides, encounters at the bar
Are braver now than those in war,
In which the law does execution
With less disorder and confusion;
Has more of honour in ā€™t, some hold,
Not like the new way, but the old,
When those the pen had drawn together,
Decided quarrels with the feather,
And winged arrows killā€™d as dead,
And more than bullets now of lead.
So all their combats now, as then,
Are managā€™d chiefly by the pen;
That does the feat with braver vigours,
In words at length, as well as figures;
Is judge of all the world performs
In voluntary feats of arms;
And whatsoeā€™er ā€™s achievā€™d in fight,
Determines which is wrong or right;
For whether you prevail, or lose,
All must be tryā€™d there in the close;
And therefore ā€™tis not wise to shun
What you must trust to ere yā€™ have done.

The law, that settles all you do,
And marries where you did but woo;
That makes the most perfidious lover
A lady, thatā€™s as false, recover;
And if it judge upon your side,
Will soon extend her for your bride;
And put her person, goods, or lands,
Or which you like best, intā€™ your hands.

For lawā€™s the wisdom of all ages,
And managā€™d by the ablest sages;
Who, though their busā€™ness at the bar
Be but a kind of civil war,
In which thā€™ engage with fiercer dudgeons
Than eā€™er the Grecians did and Trojans,
They never manage the contest
Tā€™ impair their public interest;
Or by their controversies lessen
The dignity of their profession:
Not like us brethren, who divide
Our commonwealth, the cause, and side;
And though wā€™ are all as near of kindred
As thā€™ outward man is to the inward,
We agree in nothing but to wrangle
About the slightest fingle-fangle;
While lawyers have more sober sense
Than tā€™ argue at their own expense,
But make their best advantages
Of othersā€™ quarrels, like the Swiss;
And out of foreign controversies,
By aiding both sides fill their purses;
But have no intā€™rest in the cause
For which thā€™ engage, and wage the laws;
Nor further prospect than their pay,
Whether they lose or win the day:
And though they abounded in all ages,
With sundry learned clerks and sages,
Though all their business be dispute,
Which way they canvass evā€™ry suit,
Thā€™ have no disputes about their art,
Nor in polemics controvert;
While all professions else are found
With nothing but disputes tā€™ abound;
Divines of all sorts, and physicians,
Philosophers, mathematicians,
The Galenist and Paracelsian,
Condemn the way each other deals in;
Anatomists dissect and mangle,
To cut themselves out work to wrangle;
Astrologers dispute their dreams,
That in their sleeps they talk of schemes;
And heralds stickle who got who,
So many hundred years ago.

But lawyers are too wise a nation
Tā€™ expose their trade to disputation,
Or make the busy rabble judges
Of all their secret piques and grudges;
In which whoever wins the day,
The whole profession ā€™s sure to pay.
Beside, no mountebanks, nor cheats,
Dare undertake to do their feats;
When in all other sciences
They swarm, like insects, and increase.

For what bigot durst ever draw,
By inward light, a deed in law?
Or could hold forth, by revelation,
An answer to a declaration?
For those that meddle with their tools
Will cut their fingers, if theyā€™re fools:
And if you follow their advice,
In bills, and answers, and replies,
Theyā€™ll write a love-letter in chancery,
Shall bring her upon oath to answer ye,
And soon reduce her to bā€™ your wife,
Or make her weary of her life.

The Knight, who usā€™d with tricks and shifts
To edify by Ralphoā€™s gifts,
But in appearance cryā€™d him down,
To make them better seem his own
(All plagiariesā€™ constant course
Of sinking when they take a purse)
Resolvā€™d to follow his advice,
But kept it from him by disguise;
And, after stubborn contradiction,
To counterfeit his own conviction,
And by transition fall upon
The resolution as his own.

Quoth he, This gambol thou advisest
Is of all others the unwisest;
For if I think by law to gain her,
Thereā€™s nothing sillier or vainer.
ā€™Tis but to hazard my pretence,
Where nothingā€™s certain, but thā€™ expense;
To act against myself, and traverse
My suit and title, to her favours;
And if she should (which Heavā€™n forbid)
Oā€™erthrow me, as the fiddler did,
What after-course have I to take,
ā€™Gainst losing all I have at stake?
He that with injury is grievā€™d,
And goes to law to be relievā€™d,
Is sillier than a sottish chouse,
Who, when thief has robbā€™d his house,
Applies himself to cunning men,
To help him to his goods agen;
When all he can expect to gain
Is but to squander more in vain;
And yet I have no other way
But is as difficult to play:
For to reduce her by main force
Is now in vain: by fair means, worse;
But worst of all to give her over,
Till sheā€™s as despā€™rate to recover:
For bad games are thrown up too soon,
Until thā€™ are never to be won.
But since I have no other course
But is as bad tā€™ attempt, or worse,
He that complies against his will,
Is of his own opinion still;
Which he may adhere to, yet disown,
For reasons to himself best known:
But ā€™tis not to bā€™ avoided now,
For Sidrophel resolves to sue;
Whom I must answer, or begin
Inevitably first with him;
For Iā€™ve receivā€™d advertisement,
By times enough, of his intent;
And knowing he that first complains
Thā€™ advantage of the business gains;
For courts of justice understand
The plaintiff to be eldest

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