Hudibras - Samuel Butler (story reading txt) š
- Author: Samuel Butler
Book online Ā«Hudibras - Samuel Butler (story reading txt) šĀ». Author Samuel Butler
Who what he pleases may aver,
The other, nothing, till he swear;
Is freely admitted to all grace,
And lawful favour, by his place;
And, for his bringing custom in,
Has all advantages to win:
I, who resolve to oversee
No lucky opportunity,
Will go to council, to advise
Which way tā encounter, or surprise;
And, after long consideration,
Have found out one to fit thā occasion,
Most apt for what I have to do,
As counsellor and justice too.
And truly so, no doubt, he was,
A lawyer fit for such a case.
An old dull sot, who told the clock207
For many years at Bridewell-dock,
At Westminster, and Hicksās-Hall,
And Hiccius Doctius playād in all;
Where, in all governments and times,
Hā had been both friend and foe to crimes,
And usād two equal ways of gaining,
By hindāring justice, or maintaining;
To many a whore gave privilege,
And whippād for want of quarteradge;
Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent,
For bāing behind a fortnightās rent;
And many a trusty pimp and crony
To Puddle-dock, for want of money;208
Engagād the constable to seize
All those that would not break the peace,
Nor give him back his own foul words,
Though sometimes commoners or lords,
And kept āem prisoners of course,
For being sober at ill hours;
That in the morning he might free
Or bind āem over for his fee:
Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays,209
For leave to practise in their ways;
Farmād out all cheats, and went a share
With thā headborough and scavenger;
And made the dirt iā thā streets compound
For taking up the public ground;
The kennel, and the kingās highway,
For being unmolested, pay;
Let out the stocks, and whipping-post,
And cage, to those that gave him most;
Imposād a tax on bakersā ears,
And for false weights on chandeliers;
Made victuallers and vintners fine
For arbitrary ale and wine;
But was a kind and constant friend
To all that regularly offend;
As residentiary bawds,
And brokers that receive stolān goods;
That cheat in lawful mysteries,
And pay church duties and his fees;
But was implacable, and awkward,
To all that interlopād and hawkerād.
To this brave man the Knight repairs
For council in his law-affairs;
And found him mounted in his pew,
With books and money placād for show,
Like nest-eggs, to make clients lay,
And for his false opinion pay:
To whom the knight, with comely grace,
Put off his hat to put his case;
Which he as proudly entertainād
As thā other courteously strainād;
And, to assure him ātwas not that
He lookād for, bid him put on ās hat.
Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel,
Whom I have cudgellādā āVery well.
And now he brags tā have beaten meā ā
Better and better still, quoth he.
And vows to stick me to a wall,
Whereāer he meets meā āBest of all.
āTis true, the knave has taken ās oath
That I robbād himā āWell done, in troth.
When hā has confessād he stole my cloak,
And pickād my fob, and what he took;
Which was the cause that made me bang him,
And take my goods againā āMarry, hang him.
Now whether I should before-hand,
Swear he robbād me?ā āI understand.
Or bring my action of conversion
And trover for my goods?ā āAh, whoreson!
Or if ātis better to indite,
And bring him to his trial?ā āRight.
Prevent what he designs to do,
And swear for thā state against him?ā āTrue.
Or whether he that is defendant
In this case has the better end on āt;
Who, putting in a new cross-bill,
May traverse thā action?ā āBetter still.
Then thereās a Lady tooā āAye, marry.
Thatās easily provād accessary;
A widow, who, by solemn vows
Contracted to me, for my spouse,
Combinād with him to break her word,
And has abetted allā āGood Lord!
Subornād thā aforesaid Sidrophel
To tamper with the devāl of hell;
Who put mā into a horrid fear,
Fear of my lifeā āMake that appear.
Made an assault with fiends and men
Upon my bodyā āGood agen.
And kept me in a deadly fright,
And false imprisonment, all night.
Meanwhile they robbād me, and my horse,
And stole my saddleā āWorse and worse.
And made me mount upon the bare ridge,
Tā avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.
Sir, quoth the Lawyer, not to flatter ye,
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish, and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim:
For if thā have usād you as you say,
Marry, quoth I, God give you joy.
I would it were my case, Iād give
More than Iāll say, or youāll believe.
I would so trounce her, and her purse;
Iād make her kneel for better or worse;
For matrimony and hanging here
Both go by destiny so clear,
That you as sure may pick and choose,
As Cross, I win; and, Pile, you lose;
And, if I durst, I would advance
As much in ready maintenance,
As upon any case Iāve known;
But we that practise dare not own:
The law severely contrabands
Our taking busāness off menās hands;
āTis common barratry, that bears
Point-blank an action āgainst our ears,
And crops them till there is not leather
To stick a pin in left of either;
For which some do the summer-sault,
And oāer the bar, like tumblers, vault,
But you may swear, at any rate,
Things not in nature, for the state;
For in all courts of justice here,
A witness is not said to swear,
But make oath; that is, in plain terms,
To forge whatever he affirms.
I thank you, (quoth the Knight) for that,
Because ātis to my purpose patā ā
For Justice, though sheās painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclinād,
Like Charity; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long,
And, like blind Fortune, with a sleight
Convey mensā interest and right
From Stilesās pocket into Nokesās,210
As easily as Hocus Pocus;
Play fast and loose; make men obnoxious,
And clear again, like Hiccius Doctius.
Then whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife,
Or be content with what she has,
And let all other matters pass,
The busāness to the law ās alone,
The proof is all it looks upon;
And you can want no witnesses
To swear to any thing you please,
That hardly get their mere expenses
By thā labour of their consciences;
Or letting out to hire their ears
To affidavit customers,
At inconsiderable values,
To serve for jury-men or tallies,
Although retainād in thā hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.
For that, quoth he, let me alone;
Wā have store of such, and all our own;
Bred up and tutorād by our teachers,
The ablest of conscience-stretchers.
Thatās well, quoth he; but I should guess,
By weighing all advantages,
Your surest way is first to pitch
On Bongey for a water-witch;211
And when yā have hangād the conjurer,
Yā have time enough to deal with her.
In thā intārim, spare for no trepans
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