Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle - Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (trending books to read txt) 📗

a   shiny blue tuxedo jacket.  

 

Part three: FEAR BREATH

We see FIVE  MUTATED SKELETON DANCERS appear (they are in fact weird mannequins, operated by DOCTOR TOSST and the SURGEON-SOLDIERS.); the DANCERS are dressed in shredded biochemical suits and gas masks; they all dance, mechanically, doing some awful body-popping, then doing the can-can; some try to break dance, but they fall apart. TOSST and The SURGEON SOLDIERS stick them all into the dingy toilet and exit. LOVEDAY enters, wearing a gas mask, but dressed in a shiny blue tuxedo. He tries to tap-dance, but we notice smoke coming out of him: he's vaporising, it covers everything.

 

Part four: LIFE FEAR

The house. We see LOVEDAY sitting on a fishing stool, looking smart, dressed in a shiny blue tuxedo. MORRIS enters, carrying an office partition while wearing a wetsuit; he puts on a gasmask, and looks at the files in front of him, putting Salad Cream on them, then folding them into paper aeroplanes, throwing them around, giggling. 

 

MORRIS(smiling.) We've put Crowie away.

 

LOVEDAY WHAT?

 

MORRIS WE'VE PUT CROWIE AWAY, OKAY?

 

LOVEDAY I see, Morris. No need to shout.

 

MORRIS I'm not.

 

LOVEDAY WHAT?

 

MORRIS(annoyed.) Don't start - I'm going...No, I'm fine.

 

LOVEDAY This air is strange, eh?

 

MORRIS You're the first person I've seen without a gas mask for a long time.

 

LOVEDAY You have to embrace the madness, it's down to your genes. My research shows.

 

MORRIS Really? Then it's already fucked for me: my mum and dad were cousins.

 

LOVEDAY  That's mad.

 

MORRIS No, they really were cousins.

 

LOVEDAY Look, Morris, if you let me put out a health warning, then we can stop people getting all these freebies.

 

MORRIS I've been told to cover it up.

 

LOVEDAY Well, I can't.

 

MORRIS We know you discovered it.

 

LOVEDAY I want the credit. And the royalties.

 

MORRIS Okay, I'll let you find out what's causing everyone to go mad, then you can back the government's 'Keep Sane, Keep Rich' campaign.

 

LOVEDAY I'm not political.

 

MORRIS You bloody cop out - why help us then?

 

LOVEDAY I'm helping humanity - not your lot.

 

MORRIS  Fuckin' poofy scientists.

 

LOVEDAY I'm just a lucky GP, in the right place at the right time.

 

MORRIS You make it sound like a record deal.

 

LOVEDAY I was thinking about that - could you swing me a few contacts? I want to produce a  -

 

MORRIS I think you've produced enough.

 

LOVEDAY Are you accusing me of creating oxygen seventy-five? You think I've found a cure?

 

MORRIS You're holding out, you smug bastard; but we've got no choice. We're going to offer you Crowie's job. We need civil servants, especially with military training.

 

LOVEDAY It's all about breathing techniques and how not to breathe too much. Regular oxygen baths help, too.

 

MORRIS You know much an oxygen bath costs? I'll get my secretary in here - Miss Pleecas. (Into a watch-walkie-talkie.)Miss Pleecassss!...MISS PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEECASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!...Miss Pleecas?

 

PLEECAS(off, through walkie-talkie: hearing her vomit, then suddenly orgasms.)

 

MORRIS MISS PLEECAS?

 

MISS PLEECAS enters, dressed as a Viking, carrying a huge dossier that she throws at MORRIS,    sending the papers everywhere. She laughs like Woody Woodpecker, the        jumps around the office, the table collapsing and a bluster of files going everywhere. MORRIS gets up and goes to slap MISS PLEECAS, but stops, he breaks down, crying,     tugging at LOVEDAY.

 

MORRIS You see what I have to deal with?

 

LOVEDAY Odd, isn't it?

 

MORRIS No, not at all - I just can't...Can't...

 

LOVEDAY You want to go mad?

 

MORRIS Yes, imagine all the things I'd get for free?

 

LOVEDAY You might as well lose it, I'll take over your job.

 

MORRIS This is a dream come true! Thank you Loveday!

 

MISS PLEECAS is howling like a wolf and has taken her furs off and has a khaki bikini     underneath; MORRIS rips off  part of his wetsuit; he, also, wears a bikini, but a            garish pastel coloured one usually worn by trannies. Over his fashion faux pas, we see his raw peeling flesh, blood pouring from old wounds. Both MORRIS and MISS PLEECAS howl like wolves.

 

LOVEDAY(smiles, sitting back, relishes MORRIS' collapse.) You know, I had a dream I would fool everyone in government and take over very powerful jobs.

 

MORRIS and MISS PLEECAS howl, trying to chase their imaginary tails.

 

LOVEDAY You didn't see this happening - did you?

 

LOVEDAY takes out a biro gun, and points it at MORRIS and PLEECAS. Sudden strobe, as we hear the sound of a computer key being hit too hard making a long drawn out beeping noise; darkness, as the sound fades.

 

Part five: DEATH-FEAR (a para)

The house, near the dingy toilet.

TINNY suddenly comes back to life; she's still gagged. We see CROWIE burst in, smashing the old wizened door. TINNY struggles to break free, but CROWIE clumsily, as he seems to have some problems co-ordinating, smashes the milkcrate cot and rips off her bounds, and gag. She coughs, looking at him. He hands her a plastic bottle of urine. She guzzles it, as CROWIE sways, caked in blood. We hear gunshots from outside; CROWIE smiles (or tries to.) TINNY kisses him gently on his decaying cheek, getting a mouthful of dried, charred,  flesh.

 

CROWIE URGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHERRRRRRRRRRRR

 

TINNY(wiping her mouth, chomping some flesh.) Thanks bro. You saved me, right?

 

CROWIE exits, we hear a blaze of machine gun fire. COLONEL PTERAS and DOCTOR TOSST enter, looking bloodied and haggard. PTERAS carries a huge cardboard gun, which is ridiculously large. TOSST examines TINNY, copping a feel; he smiles. So does TINNY.

 

TINNY  He had to help me. And himself. 

 

TOSST He'd gone mad - he was a government man, but he breathed too much, he was in decay, a zombie anyway.

 

PTERAS Killed most of us before we got him again. Bloody tough fuck.

 

TINNY He was my only friend. He could've saved Loveday, too.

 

PTERAS You know doctor Loveday?

 

TOSST(looking around.) This is doctor Loveday's lab?

 

TINNY Yes, I'm his research assistant. He created Oxygen seventy-five. It's not really real, it's more of a drug-weapon. It just makes people think they're mad, but they're not. He released a fraction of it into the atmosphere, but it's environmentally friendly and a bit of a cheap trick.

 

TOSST(morose.) That was a lot of info in one go. Need to sleep now. I could just SPARZZZ OUT! HAH! (Tries to swallow lots of TicTacs and capsules of an unknown origin; they fall everywhere.) I love these minty things, really sort me out, calm my frayed nerves! These other things aren't bad either!

 

PTERAS Yeah, I missed most of your science bit, doc. Sorry, I wasn't really listenin'. But we better catch up with this Loveday guy.

 

TOSST Yes, we better. I'd like some asparagus. Weird to say, but I'd settle for a cauliflower.

 

TINNY I know everything about his project.

 

TOSST Will you help us? I need good hard veg! And we need to make the world sane again. We have to come as one!

 

TINNY Yeah su -

 

PTERAS(reading them off a calculator; TINNY looks at them both weirdly.) New orders, sir.

 

TOSST What?

 

PTERAS From the new head of operations, Doctor Loveday.

 

TOSST Damn! He moves quick - what a smooth operator! I think I'm developing a crush.  I bet he's got a fragrance out.

 

PTERAS We better ignore this.

 

TOSST He'll want Crowie's remains - he's a genius!

 

PTERAS We've only got dust!

 

TOSST He won't believe us - he'll think we're mad! (Giggles.) I mean - what are we like?!

 

TINNY Crowie's tough, he'll be back.

 

TOSST He didn't get away though. Did he?

 

TINNY I kno'.

 

TOSST What's happened to him?

 

TINNY Loveday Mind-fixed him.

 

TOSST This is getting technical for me. You're fucking with my head. I think we better report back.

 

PTERAS But it's just me and you.

 

TOSST We might as well go AWOL then.

 

PTERAS No, they'll think we're mad and send a mad team after us.

 

TOSST We are the M.A.D. team, Godammit!

 

PTERAS  No! Another one! You drive me -

 

TOSST No don't - we better stop breathing for a bit.

 

PTERAS I can't.

 

            TOSST and PTERAS hold their breath, struggling not to breathe.

 

TINNY You shit heads, it doesn't exist - it's not here.

 

PTERAS(shocked, out of breath.) What?

 

TINNY It's a stunt.

 

TOSST Things have fallen apart quickly, I suppose.

 

TINNY Let me help you to destroy his reserve.

 

TOSST(to TINNY) We don't know where it is - do you?

 

PTERAS Hell no! I FUCKIN' (TOSST clamps his hand over PTERAS' mouth.) Ummmmshiiiiiii...

 

TINNY I do.

 

PTERAS(forcing TOSST'S hand away, biting his fingers)...Does anyone know?

 

TINNY Yeah, I -

 

PTERAS It's unreal! He's undefeated. He'll track us down.  I think we should turn the infidel in.

 

TINNY He listening to me?

 

PTERAS(solemnly) I think we've been on the road too long. (Giggles.) Oh my, I gotta head rush! Another dizzy spell.

 

TOSST I thought those kids were funny - what a strange language?

 

PTERAS They'd lost it, the gun was final. You got a knife, I'll getta gun!

 

TOSST It was fair, they had bottles. Made of glass. Ummmm. Naughty,very bad. Bad manners, init.

 

PTERAS(panics) SHIIIIIIT!! I'm running out of ammo. Thought I was gonna Buster Bloodvessel! (To his gun, licking it clean, licking it like bone. TOSST shakes his head, suddenly spasms into a Morris dance.) Crowie was tough.

 

TINNY Shit - he's the only one who can help me. You two are fucked.

 

TOSST(trying to get TINNY to dance with him, he talks to himself though.) Tired? Yes! Fucked? I dunno. Not for a while, luvvamon!

 

TINNY(gettings tressed, backing away and trying to prize TOSST'S hands off her) Shut up and sleep then.

 

PTERAS Who will keep watch?

 

TINNY(into PTERAS' ear) Give me your gun.

 

PTERAS But...But  -

 

TOSST(Austrian accent) Do it. COME ON! DO IT!

 

PTERAS Okay. (Hands TINNY a banana, giggling.) There.

 

TOSST(annoyed, very clearly to PTERAS.) The gun, Pteras.(Fake sneeze but says:) WANK-STAIN!

 

PTERAS(still giggly.) Oh, sorry - I gave me banana! - silly sod, aren't I?

 

TOSST No, you're not. The gun. We must sleep.

 

PTERAS(points the gun at TINNY and TOSST.) DUN'T YOO ZUCKAZ MO' - TINK I'M ZILLEEEE? OOH I FOOL YAHZ BIGTIME TINGZ, BLAPZYAHZ, OH YEEEEEEEH!

           

            PTERAS spits a huge phelgm-ball which he slips on, then looks around, as if some invisible person pushed him.

 

TOSST(to TINNY.) He's speaking like the gang of kids we slayed; must've been a thousand of them, getting lippy. He's probably scarred by it. They were all over twelve though, so it's a reasonable genocide. They would've been a lost generation anyway. And think of the benefits to population control. It's all fine, he's fine.

 

TINNY He's lost it.

 

TOSST Maybe your right, little one. He can't handle that Oxygen seventy-five is made up; he's devoted his life to its cause.

 

TINNY And you?

 

TOSST I wanted to find out more, as a scientist-explorer, of course. I masturbate when I watch Ray Mears. I said that out loud didn't I? Pretend you didn't hear me. But I will say this:  I think O-seventy-five is a cure more than a disease. People have always struggled with budgeting. It's all bollocks, isn't it?

 

TINNY Yeah, you're right.

 

PTERAS(foaming at the mouth, he takes out more whipped creams, squrting it into his mouth, spitting it over TINNY and TOSST) STOP TALKIN' 'BOUT ME! STOP IT! STOP IT! SHUDDAUPYERFACE! SHUDDUP!

 

TOSST Regression should get him now.

 

TINNY Why don't he shoot himself?

 

TOSST He thinks he's in his own reality TV show; it's all very sad.

 

PTERAS You think I'm scared of that, you think I'm scared of death?   

 

TINNY We gotta get outta here, doc!

 

PTERAS I'll eat my fuckin' gun. (Starts to chomp into his cardboard gun, trying to look tough; he flexes his muscles, then suddenly holds his stomach. ) OOH! ARRRGH, SHIT! You poisoned my gun...( His eyes well with tears, his lip quivers) You... you, nice people!

 

            PTERAS collapses, crying and then slivers around on the floor, writhing in pain, trying to bite them.   

 

TINNY(kicks PTERAS in the head, he passes out.) Fucker. Let's move, I'll show you where the rest of the Oxygen seventy-five is.

 

TOSST(smiling, drooling slightly, wipes his mouth with a used tissue.) Please do.

 

            TINNY and TOSST exit, leaving PTERAS. SURGEON-SOLDIERS enter in white bio-chemical suits, scanning the room with calculators. They drag PTERAS away.

 

Part six: FEAR OF FEAR.

PTERAS has been tied down in a patio chair, in the house. The SURGEON-SOLDIERS now wear kids’ Halloween masks: we see WEREWOLF, FOX, FROG, and GHOUL. LOVEDAY enters, we see PTERAS is mumbling to himself, laughing occasionally; but he snaps out of