How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #4) - DeYtH Banger (list of ebook readers TXT) 📗

the most productive way possible.

This requires empathy. You need to be able to distinguish what is meaningful to other people. You also have to recognize that “meaningful” is not static. It shifts over the course of the interaction.

So if I am out at a bar and I jokingly tell a girl that I am a renegade CIA agent, I don’t consider it a lie. But if I were to form a relationship with her and insist that I truly was a renegade CIA agent…I’d be a nuts and she’d be nuts for believing me.

More to the point, it would be a lie.

My work status isn’t meaningful in the first 15 minutes of interaction. It is something that would be important if we continued to have a relationship.

Similarly, I don’t need to tell someone I interact with for 30 seconds that they made a bad first impression. My opinion of our relationship is not yet meaningful. But if a close friend consistently does things that upset me, I should tell them. Because the way their actions impact our relationship is very meaningful.

It’s not a hard science. You constantly have to be on the lookout for what is meaningful in a given context. You have to empathize.

If you need a rule of thumb: move towards more transparent communication. Move away from lies of convenience. If you want people to perceive you differently, make a real change; don’t just manipulate their access to the truth.

How to start being practically honest today1) CUT OUT THE CONVENIENT WHITE LIES

That’s right. For the next 7 days don’t tell ANY white lies.

Don’t text, “I’m on the way,” when you’re running late and still getting dressed. Don’t tell the homeless person “I don’t have any change,” when you just don’t want to give Don’t say “I can’t make it,” to a party when the truth is you’d just rather not go (say, “I appreciate the invite, but I am not going to make it.”)

If it isn’t true, don’t say it! No matter how expedient it might be. You can even use a rubber band on the wrist as a reminder (like in the 21 day no-complaint challenge)

 

 

This will train you to screen your words for veracity before speaking. Easy lies will escape your lips less and less often.

And if they do by accident, no sweat. Just say something like, “Woops, that’s not true. I don’t know why I said that. What I should have said was……” and then say the truth.

1a) GET USED TO ELABORATING

How do you handle these questions when honesty is likely to hurt someone you care about?

Realize your only options aren’t “yes” or “no.” Real practical honesty requires more. It requires serious thought and explanation. Do not let anyone box you into yes/no responses.

So if your girlfriend asks you if think this dress looks good on her and it doesn’t: “I’m not the biggest fan of that dress. I like the other one better. You look great in that one” (Say so in a kind way that provides a solution.)

Or your friend asks if you like his artwork that isn’t so great: “It’s not my favorite, but I can tell you put a lot of work into it. You’ve improved a lot since the first one.” (Encourage his overall goal to improve while maintaining the value of your opinion for the next piece he creates.)

Or grandma asks if you like her cookies – which are no bueno: “These cookies were cooked more than I like them cooked. It’s super sweet of you though and always appreciate when you make food for me!” (Recognize her effort, express love, and give constructive feedback so you can be honest in your praise next time.)

If a yes/no answer would lead to hurt feelings, your job is to reframe your answer to be as considerate as possible. While still being honest, of course.

2) ELIMINATE LIES OF OMISSION

I was speaking to a close friend’s mother over dinner. She’s an awesome lady. She was telling me about a psychic experience she had. Apparently, her hairdresser (the psychic) had given critical information to a man that saved his daughter’s life.

I have no idea if the facts of the story were coincidentally true, but I know I don’t believe in psychics. If she had mentioned it in passing, I wouldn’t have told her I thought it sounded like baloney.

But she was speaking to me one on one. If I didn’t say anything it would be a tacit acceptance of the story. I didn’t want to upset her. But after several minutes of storytelling, I felt like it had crossed the line into meaningful omission.

So I told her:

“Yeah, to me it sounds too good to be true. I don’t believe in psychics and I don’t believe she is one. But it’s a good story.”

And we moved on.

You need to stop biting your tongue when you have unpopular opinions. You don’t need to be an evangelist. I don’t run around shouting people down every time I hear the word “psychic.” But if it becomes clear someone has a meaningful and mistaken interpretation of your beliefs….well, then you need to clear things up.

So as kindly as you can, speaking in “I statements,” let them know how you really feel. Remember: your goal here is not to persuade or bully. It is to avoid lying by omission.

Even though disagreeing can feel like it’s damaging the relationship, you actually build respect when people know they can trust you to speak up when you disagree.

3) CHANGE YOUR LIFE TO REMOVE THE BIG LIES

Ugh. These are the hardest. These lies can form the basis of some of our most important relationships. Revealing the truth could have serious consequences.

Maybe you’re parents think you’re religious and you’re not Maybe your friends think you like it when they tease you, but it really upsets you Maybe your work thinks you are management material and you’re secretly planning your escape Maybe you cheated on your partner and they don’t know

In all of these situations telling the truth could end relationships. It may threaten your livelihood.

I understand if you need to take your time in getting out of these. I felt the same way about my first and only real job.

My colleagues were thoughtful and smart. My bosses were great (and downright cool). I was “successful” by so many people’s standards. There were plenty of reasons I “should have” been content….but I felt like I was misrepresenting myself on a daily basis.

Like throughout the day I was pretending that I was fulfilled. That ate away at me.

Unfortunately, leaving wasn’t so easy. With $100,000 in student debt, I needed some sort of income.

I spent months saving and weeks planning before I left to become a writer and coach. And when I did, I had never felt so myself.

Sure, I was poor and sleeping on a twin-sized mattress on Ben’s bedroom floor. But my ledger was clear. No more pretending my future was moving up in consulting. I could be honest with everyone about everything

So I understand it might take some time to put the pieces in place before removing all the implicit lies from your life.

But please. For the sake of your self-esteem. You MUST start extricating yourself from these situations. Today. It’s going to suck and hurt. You may be worse off than before you told the truth.

The upside is that you never have to go into debt again. Once you clear the ledger, you can be totally honest without upsetting people’s expectations.

You can go into a job interview like I did and when they ask your 5 year plan, tell them:

“I’d like to be a literal rock star. Or Tony Robbins’ apprentice. I definitely don’t see myself in corporate America.”

And people will be cool with it! Because you’re setting expectations in line with your reality. You won’t get every single outcome you might desire (**cough** like that job **cough**).

But if you tell your truth loud enough and long enough, eventually you’ll arrive in a place where you’re rewarded for being your unadulterated self.

For me that place is Charisma on Command. Thanks for supporting me being me 

 

 

 

 

So don’t put it off. Clear the ledger. Tell the truth. To your partner, your parents, your boss. There is no better time and there will always be reasons to wait. But I promise, if you go through the pain period, when you come out the other side, your world will be a better place.

I know this has been a long, dense read. I appreciate you coming this far. So I’ll leave you with this kick in the butt.

It doesn’t matter if you are honest MOST of the time. Most of the time is easy.

It’s at the edges that your integrity is tested. When it hurts. All those times when you “can’t” tell the truth. Your boss would fire you or your girlfriend would get mad or you family would disown you. When the easy lie is on the tip of your tongue. Those are the times where you decide what kind of person you are.

Like so many things in life, you have a choice between the easy way and the right way.

So what’s it going to be?

 

 

 

6 Ways To Stop Overthinking Everything

 

 

 

P.S.: I don't suggest meditation...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We all do our best to stay positive, but occasionally we can slip into negative thinking patterns that can wreak havoc on our lives. We might worry about our past mistakes or current stresses, and how these could lead to negative outcomes in the future. We might obsess about or over-analyze regular experiences and interactions, reading into them things that aren’t actually there. We might find that as soon as one bad thing happens, we associate it with all the other bad things that have happened in our lives and begin to feel miserable. We might feel anxious in the present, having a hard time getting out of our own heads as we worry and obsess about the things that could go wrong.

These are 6 ways to stop overthinking everything and find inner peace:

 

1. Recognize you have a problem

 

Can’t stop overthinking everything? Recognizing you have a problem is the first step in solving a problem, right? Acknowledge that you have this problem and consider some of these tips.

 

2. Don’t hate yourself for it

 

The brain is actually hardwired to think out all the possible outcomes at any given moment. If you look at the brain of the frog, its frontal lobe isn’t particularly beefy like ours is. Its survival depends on snap fight or flight decisions. But for us, we’ve evolved to think about our problems. So overthinking is natural.

 

3. Breathe deeply

 

When you’re thinking a little too much, take some deep breaths and really break down what you’re thinking about. It’ll help center you. You can even jot down your thoughts in list form and see if that helps you make a choice.

 

4. Talk less

 

When we’re racked with too many thoughts, we tend to want to talk it out. This might not work out as well as you’d like. Some research shows that talking about things you’re overthinking releases cortisol, the stress hormone, that can get you even more worked up.

 

 

5. Practice meditation

 

Meditation is often misunderstood as a strict practice of clearing your mind completely. You can try it that way, there’s nothing wrong with that, but the best type of meditation for overthinking is meditation that allows your thoughts to roll pleasantly through your mind.

 

6. Get outside

 

Nothing makes you shut up and clear your thoughts like a hike through the forest or a bike ride through the city. Get out, get the heart pumping a little bit. Treat it like meditation. You’re not trying to clear your mind, but let your thoughts roll through your head at their own pace. Don’t force anything.

 

 

 

 

Why Face Everything Is The Only Skill You Really Need

 

 

 

 

 

 

Those who will face everything, in this article will gain incredible knowledge yet simple but effective. Are you ready?

 

I must admit, I’m flattered how almost all the people avoid to face everything challenging and just put it on the side for later times. We are machines for avoiding difficult things. Most