Where you belong - Samantha Thomas (i have read the book a hundred times .txt) 📗

believe it. But its true all true you are nothing but a disappointment.’ her voice broke on the last word and her breath came short like she had been hit in the chest she gulped or swallowed hard on it, and then continued. ’and if you think your going anywhere girly you are sadly, so sadly mistaken. Now go turn your sinful self around take that clown’s paint off and put on some respectable clothes, even though it will not change the person wearing them. Meet me downstairs in 5 minutes you have an appointment. And I mean it, 5 minutes, not a minute after.’

“My mother turned around on her heels and walked out of my room I thought she was gone but I heard her say just before she was completely out of hearing range, ‘Never in all my years did I think I’d be the mother of a whore.”

Ashley starting crying all over again, in response to reliving that -what must be a very painful memory to her- and then got a hold on her self.

“There is so much more. Just wait-” she shuddered pretty hard and a new onslaught of tears corrupted her blue eyes. She sniffled but it wasn’t enough, her hand came up and swiped away at her nose drippings. At a time like this it wasn’t disgusting, far from it, I felt with her so completely so, my heart was breaking with hers, I swiped at my nose too. And I waited for her to continue.

“We went to the appointment, I needed to get a test, confirm my mothers accusations, and sure enough I was officially pregnant at 16. My mother sucked in a disgusted breath as the doctor read aloud my results, and then proceeded to cry like a lunatic. The doctor asked my mother to leave the room so she could speak to me privately about this and I was in shock I couldn’t even speak. Eyes wide tears silently falling from my bulging eyes and mouth slightly agape I just stared almost unseeing on at her as she tried repeatedly to ask me questions like; Am I ok? How do I feel about this? Was this a planned pregnancy? Was the baby’s father involved? How long have I been sexually active? Have I ever contracted and STD or STI? What did I plan on doing? Did I know and understand my opinions? Did I sleep around and if I did how often? Was I safe or did I feel safe at home? BLAH, BLAH, FUCKING BLAH. It was all Charlie brown speech to me then.

“I was in total shock. I was pregnant. There was a person, a real baby growing inside of me. I didn’t even know it. And now it felt like everyone did. What was I going to do? What was I going to do? What could I do? I felt like I was drowning, but not the kind where you just cant swim anymore, or the waves are constantly crashing into and on you, no not that kind at all. It was the kind where you were being forced down held under by someone’s forceful, cold hard, cruel hands and they were laughing the entire time while you slowly died. While they slowly and happily took your life from you.

“And then suddenly it was time to leave and I wasn’t even aware of it. And then just like that I was home. The next morning my mom came into my room and told me to shower and get dressed that I had another appointment. I was still so very much in shock and it was very early in the morning. I did it, I got dressed and then we were there. It was really weird, because the place had a gate that the cars had to pass through and there were lots of people standing outside of the gate yelling and holding signs and stuff but I paid them no attention I just could not even think. Once we were inside the gate, we got out and we walked to the door but we couldn’t get in we had to be buzzed in. The one and only thought my head could process at the moment was how this seemed to me a lot like a prison.

“And then we were inside, my mother told me to sit down and I did. There was a lot of people here and they all looked…weird, I don’t know. She went up to the clerk, spoke very quietly and came back with a couple clipboards and handed one to me and said ‘fill this out.’ I did and it was all about health and a lot like the questions the doctor droned on about. Again I paid absolutely no mind to it at all, I was still in shock. I was like a robot just doing whatever I was told to do not a word or question about it, ever. When I was done my mom took it and awhile later we were called back. We spoke to a nurse, I peed in a cup and there was talking but I just couldn’t find myself to focus on what they were saying. It was all one sound. Like a cluster of bumble bee’s on and on. Some lady behind a desk was faced towards me and her mouth was moving she kept looking at me intently, I think she was trying to get my attention or ask me something but I guess she noticed I just wasn’t ‘there.’ Next thing I knew she turned away and I went back to space and then once again the hand clapping the desk and the lady turned towards me mouth moving.

“This time I think I really tried to hear or understand what she was saying but I-I just couldn’t do it. I turned my head to the right and noticed my mother was gone, not even in the same room anymore. Huh. The strange lady kept talking on clapping the desk and then something happened, she got out of her seat and came to where I was seated. She pulled my chair out and away from facing the desk and positioned it to right in front of her, she reached out towards me and placed her warm hands on my shoulders firmly but it didn’t hurt. And she just kept talking I just couldn’t hear what she was saying. I tried I watched her mouth flap open and close, I watched her lips curl on the words she spoke, but didn’t hear a damn thing until-until…

Until she said… “-abortion. I need to know that this is what you want, that this is your choice. Before you go back there with that nurse, please honey say something.” I blinked my eyes harshly, it was like the world appeared and the volume was turned on full blast. I felt a POP! In my ears and my eyes began blinking more and more gaining ferocious speed. My brain sputtered and my mouth opened but no sound came out. She said abortion. She needed to know that this was what I wanted before I left with a nurse, somewhere back there, wherever that was.

“My mind turned, my eyes hurt, my mouth was burning dry, and finally I spoke “Can I make a phone call?” she said something like ‘yes of course, I’ll give you 10 minutes and then I’ll be back alright? Press 9 before you dial the number if it’s a local number ok?” and she left.

“I- for a few moments I just sat there staring at the big black office phone that sat there on the looming desk before me. I waited like a minute more and with a shaky hand reached out picked up the phone and dialed. It rang four times before it picked up, ‘Matt?’ I whispered out with a scared shaky voice I couldn’t trust myself to say anything else, he quickly answered back ‘Yeah…who’s this?’ ‘It’s me Ashley, um d-do you g-got a minute t-to talk?’ I asked stuttering over each of my shaky words, it was horrible I was speaking as if I were possessed but I knew it had to be done-well that driving piece inside me thought that anyways. ‘Yeah I’m good to talk. Why what’s up? Are you alright Ash? You are you at school I didn’t see you-’ I couldn’t contain it any longer it shot straight from my gut, spilling out of my dry numb lips it hissed ‘I’m pregnant Matt’ I heard his breath release sharply and then it was silent. All was silent on the other side for a good 3 minutes and then…

“I didn’t blink nor did I take a single breath I just sat there frozen at the mercy of the possible sounds from the telephone connection to the guy who helped get me here this day. ‘What the fuck did you just say?’ he huffed out and automatically I repeated myself as if a song playing on repeat on an mp3 player, ’I’m pregnant Matt’ and the same actions followed I didn’t move, blink, breath, but waited. ’You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! And your calling me because?’ he asked in incredible disbelief. ’I-It’s y-yours Matt-’ I didn’t even get to finish before he cut me off seething through the phone. ’Listen closely slut, just because I call you for the fuck I aint getting from Marissa, means not a fucking thing when it comes to whatever the fuck your saying here and now. What you need to be doing is calling the fucking principal asking to suck his dick for the school records so you can acquire each and every fucking dudes number that goes here! Make sure you call the next school district over too! Fuck you! You lose nasty bitch! The only thing you’d ever get from me is an STD! Go fuck your self you lying ass bitch! Don’t fucking call me again, cuz the only thing you’ll get from that is ’sorry the number you’ve reached is no longer in service or has been disconnected’ and with that he hung up the phone.

“I hadn’t even realized I was crying, it was so strong the tears they fell so hard down that they actually made a sound as they splashed down. The phone was still held in my hand but held in front of my face and not to my ear. I blinked away the disgust slightly just enough to hang up the phone and as soon as I had done so, the lady walked back into the room. ’You all set now honey?’ she asked softly as she peered into the room but not quite entering it, just hanging in through the door holding onto it for support as she peeked in to ask. I couldn’t bear to speak so I gave a harsh nod and she entered the room and closed the door softly and took her seat behind the desk. ’So honey, is this your decision to be here today? No one is forcing you to do something you yourself did not come to terms with of your own accord? Meaning your here today seeking this medical procedure because you’d like to have it done and not for someone else right? I looked on at her my eyes barely working I could barely see this lady.

“But I nodded anyways even though I still had no idea where I was, or what technically for. She looked hard at me after my nod I guess looking for a sign but seeming comfortable nodded herself in agreement. ‘Do you understand that you have options? And you’ve gone over each and every option and have come to the conclusion that this is truly what you want? Because