Fairy Tales & Other Murders - Mike Marino (the false prince TXT) 📗

given the White House to Caucasians for centuries. and now our first African American President. Soon, we’ll one day have our first Native American (Imagine all the treaties that would be rectified) our first Asian American (They own Hawaii already) and our first Latino-American (Wow! Low Rider Limo’s bouncing up and down! How cool is that!) holding that office as well...and is a good thing. A little diversity goes a long way. No, I did not forget to mention our first Female President. I didn’t mention it as Eleanor Roosevelt already has that distinction.

 

I would also like to see our first Hemaphrodite president...that way the president can fuck him, her, itself while also screwing the American public at the same time.

 

What about our first Metrosexual president. They love to sport that 5 o’clock shadow look so popular today, although it didn’t work very well for Tricky Dicky Nixon when he appeared on television with a well coiffed JFK. He came across like as a gutter wino at the ball in Camelot.

Our first transgendered female Prez would be interesting too. That way we’d have the President and First Lady in one package and instead of getting bashed by the media all the time over policy she’d instead end up being criticized by Mr. Blackwell for fashion faux pas.

 

Our first Gay president would have that Oval Office redecorated in a jiffy in bright rainbow colors and go on massive shopping sprees instead of playing golf. I guess we wouldn’t have a First Lady but instead a First Partner which makes more sense anyway as the First Ladies do have their say in the sack when the Prez isn’t boinking an intern.

 

A Lesbian President. Hell yes. Guys get off on that kind of thing anyway and with all the Millennials having girl crushes today, voter turnout might exceed 99% making for a new record for the electoral process. The first overseas diplomatic visit won’t be to the Middle East or Russia to arm wrestle with Putin but instead would shuffle off to Amsterdam to see the dikes!

 

Lord help us if a Catholic priest makes it to the White House. I’d keep my kids away from the annual Easter Egg Hunt and the White House playground. It will be a papal version of Pop Goes Your Weasel

! If a Mormon gets in office, there will not only be a First Lady, but also a Second Lady, Third Lady etc...and all of them would not even be of voting age and would have a curfew of 9 ‘clock. Hell….no state dinners but a lot of proms at 1600 Penn Ave.

 

Vote for diversity in the upcoming election. Pee Wee Herman said it best…”My bird in my hand is worth more than a Jeb Bush or... Hillary’s bush!

 

 

Chapter 19 - The Day Santa Got Wacked

Who really pulled the trigger that wintry day? It’s hard for anyone who was alive that fateful December space in time to not know where they were, what they were doing and the impact of the day Santa Claus was assassinated while riding in a one horse open sleigh. (The Secret Santa Service wanted him to borrow the St. Nicholas Pope Mobile with bullet proof bubble but Santa wanted to work the crowd that day as he rode through downtown North Pole unaware of what lay ahead as shots rang out, some say from the Nanook of the North Book Suppository Building by a sharpshooter armed with a modified official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle by alleged lone assassin, Lee “Ralphie” Oswald.

 

The whole event was captured in glorious black and white on 8mm home movie film by Tiny Tim Zapruder who at the time put his crutches aside and was sitting in a shopping scooter with basket while filming from a handicapped parking space at the nearby Walmart. The film is still as disturbing today as it was then when supposedly a single bullet did the most amazing ballet moves that would dazzle Barishnikov by going to and fro, back and forth, in and out, up and down, sideways and backwards as Tiny Tim screamed as shots rang out, “Duck and Cover, Everyone!”

 

Santa and Mrs. Claus, had already been to the New York City Macy’s Day Parade on Thanksgiving where there was an attempt by a giant Felix the Cat balloon to smother the jolly old elf but the attempt was deflated, so to speak by a Macy’s cashier. Following that appearance, Santa arrived for the Detroit parade where he was sleigh jacked and during the fracas ended up in Henry Ford Hospital emergency room from gunshot wounds sustained in the parade attack. But that day at the North Pole…..will forever haunt us….

 

Some speculate that Ralphie was a Christmas Story patsy for the CIA and the purposely set him up to take the fall. He was arrested originally for distributing disturbing literature for an organization know as Fair Play For Cubans Living in the Yukon. (When arrested he was told by arresting cops “You’ll shoot your eye out kid!”) He was reluctant at first to accept their offer until J Edgar Hoover met him in a changing room at Victoria’s Secret during orientation and issued the dreaded J. Edgar Triple Dog Dare.. At first it was merely a standard double-dog-dare. What else was there, but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.

 

Some witnesses on the scene that day say shots also rang out from the Grassy Polar Bear Knoll by an unknown accomplice. Conspiracy theorists speculate there were actually two shooters and the Grinch was the gunman in place to make sure Santa went down faster than a bowl of jell-o down a chimney lubricated with WD-40.

 

There is so much written, produced, speculated, studied, that it is as blown as far out of proportion as a condom on a fat mans head. Lee “Ralpie” Oswald who was never actually convicted of the crime was himself killed in a police igloo station by Jack “Ruby Red Slippers” Frost owner of an Eskimo Strip, Laplander Lap Dance and North “Pole Dancing” Club. So how did he get into the back room of the igloo holding area with cops on either side of Ralphie? Ralphie then on live national TV is whacked by a pimp with a gun..or as Lenny Bruce described Jack “Ruby” Frost as "A Jewish Billy the Kid riding out of the west"

 

Strangely, the cops found Ralphie with in hours and knew to look in a movie theater where he was watching “Polar Express” and “Penguins” Let’s face it, cops today can find a donut shop without a GPS but an assassin? They’re are always on TV asking for "our" help in locating such and such, but those North Pole Polar cops ...right on the ball and case closed and suspect killed within days..now that is police work!

 

So who really whacked Santa? Was it a cartel of Cuban elves pissed off over the whole Cuban Mistletoe Crisis? Hoover’s FBI Sugar Plum Fairies? CIA Wet Works Leprechauns? Scrooge Mobsters from Chicago or a merely a lone gun man with an Daisy air rifle...The only one whoever really knew, Ralphie, was shot dead before he could speak.

 

There was an investigation into the murder and the eight tiny reindeer were brought before a Congressional Hearing as they were the closest to Santa over the years...hauling his fat ass around the globe. Some theories advanced claim it was an inside job orchestrated by Rudolph “The Red” who kept to himself and never played in any reindeer games. A loner by nature he did have a close relationship with Jingle Bells Hoffa, head of Reindeer Teamsters Local 509 who mysteriously disappeared. Many think his body is buried in the iceberg that sunk the Titanic. Others claim he was killed by disgruntled union elves over Santa’s plan to ship toy manufacturing overseas to Chernobyl so toys would glow in the dark. Things went well until the big bang Chernobyl boom and some deranged individual kept yelling, “It’s a wonderful life Mr. Potter...Mrs. Potter….Harry Potter..and all you little pothead Potters!”

 

One mystery that keeps surfacing is that Santa made a deal to subcontract with the Unabomber to mail out excess Christmas packages over the holiday season. He said it would be a real blast! Each package came with card, manifesto and detonator.

 

Investigators also looked at Santa’s family especially his brother Ted who once was involved in an accident when a woman was drowned after his snowmobile hit soft ice and went under water at Chappaquiddick. Police searched the murky waters but Mary Jo was never found. The good news though is that they found Amelia Earhart. Ted since has been trying to get a bill passed in Congress requiring all cars and other vehicles to come equipped with air bags and Life Preservers!

 

Many witnesses who may have had information died mysteriously.....Coincidence? I think not. There is a new Santa in town..Santa the serial killer..and he’ll be traveling with three "ho’s" named Ho, Ho and of course, Ho as accomplices …. so beware...he knows who’s been naughty or nice, leather and lace and this year when he comes down your chimney Christmas Eve...remember...this time … he’s armed and dangerous!

Chapter 20 - Tuba Nation Tuba Ligation

I have assaulted the world of music in the past discussing disgustedly about the blandness of Canadian music as mere elevator Muzak...the effect of folk music on felines addicted to catnip and the mass hysteria of fear caused by the accordion...a musical weapon of mass destruction that can turn any classic rock or classical music piece into a proletarian roll out the barrel polka fit only for consumption by bratwurst inhaling tailgaters wearing Ace Hardware retro bowling shirts making Milwaukee famous or making Green Bay Packer Backers ravenous for a meal of Chicago Bears while wearing triangular cheese hats.

 

Now it is time to discuss the terror wrought on the music loving population by the reign of TUBA TERROR!!! It has to be one of the most horrific musical instrument of all! It is time to perform a tuba tubal ligation or in symphonic parlance a TUBA ligation to stem the flow of tuba music from impregnating the world of music with Germanic oom pa pa spermatozoa.

 

A classical symphony is a garden of sound. A plethora of pleasing elements blended in a mix master compost created by a composer with orchestration brought to fruition by the maestro with baton