Fairy Tales & Other Murders - Mike Marino (the false prince TXT) 📗

Index

 

Fairy Tales & Other Murders (A little deranged reading by Arthur Burns, my unmedicated yet highly intoxicated Alter Ego. This is my newest experimental book project.
I believe in liberating literature from it;s constraints and straigh jackets. So I hope you will enjoy the musings, rants and rambles from the twisted mind of my alter ego - Mr. Arthur Burns profligate libertine and purveyor of promised promiscuity.
Just click and turn the pages to fanatasy, humorous horror and lots of pissed off fairy tale characters

 

CHAPTERS

One - When Fairy Tales Attack 

Two - Alice & The Milk Carton Kids 

Three - Howdy Doody: Killer Marionette 

Four - Rosemarys Baby Meets The Son of Sam 

Five - Murder on the Yellow Brick Road 

Six - The Peter Pan Syndrome 

Seven - Mickey Mouse Gets Stoned 

Eight - Elvis as Moses 

Nine - Who Killed Mr. Ed 

Ten - The Beaver Cleaver Murders

Eleven - Wonder Woman Bikini Waxed Super Hero

Twelve - Catwoman: Leather In the Morning

Thirteen - The Real Betty Boop

Fourteen - Feilx the Cat Meets Julie Newmar

Fifteen - Scarface Snow White

Sixteen - Vikings, Cajuns & Accordians

Seventeen - Extreme Dickens

Eighteen - Election Erection

Nineteen - The Day Got Whacked

Twenty - Tuba Nation Tuba Ligation

Twenty One - Bagpipes and Monica Lewinsky

Tweny Two - Show Us Your Tartan Nessie

Chapter One - When Fairy Tales Attack

 

In the lexicon of the Fairy Tale Utopian Kingdom all stories begin to begat a pregnant life lesson by seeding the garden of imagination with the obligatory “once upon a time” which is in reality, merely wordsmithing foreplay of things hit and juicy to come in the form of Humpty Dumptys and Jacks and Jills. Usually there is a happy start along the fairy tale journey, but in the end tragedy strikes where you least expect it. Hell, the first milk carton kids were Hansel and Gretel.

 

The purveyors of perversity and the “dark” world of the fairy tale had to be the Brothers Grimm, the Koch brothers of 19th Century gloom and doom or Grimm and Grimmer without a glimmer of redemptive respite from all the evils that evolve in their fairy tales as in the telling they weave a Miss Muffet spiderweb of deceit and in some cases downright deadly.

 

Not all was Grimm however, take Little Red Riding Hood, please!!! This one has it all. Pedophilia, cannibalism, beastiality and a romp with a transvestite not to mention the killing of a wolf that would bring tears to the eyes of animal rights activists. It was originally written by Charles Perrault in 1697 to entertain the royal pains in the ass of the French Court, probably the court of Louie, Louie, me gotta go..yeah yeah yeah yeah...Entertainment? For Christ sake in the original tale Red eds p in the sack with the wolf!!! Damn, I can’t wait for squeamish sequel.

 

The Grimms also wrote a version and there have been many other knockoffs. Hey a transvestite wolf is all the rage and was the Ru Paul of the fairy tale kingdom and I can see an updated version with feather boa’s and sexy pumps and fishnet stockings with a cast from any show on the Bravo Network. Flouncing, bouncing and prancing proudly and flamboyantly across the television screen brought to you by super absorbent Tampons. “We’re the absorbent sheep in wolf’s clothing”

 

The Old Lady in the Shoe is another lesson to be learned. Put a cork in it Lady!!!! All those kids, no food in the house obviously as the food stamps haven’t arrived yet and here is still plenty of meth on hand to not give a damn. Plenty of time to clean up before Child Welfare arrives for a spot check.

 

Jack and Jill. Trespassing on private property stealing water and he falls down and breaks his crown, and damn it..he’s not insured..and he’s a vet who had his bennies cut and now has to live on the streets collecting returnable cans and rooting through Humpty Dumpty dumpsters for some some black bird pies.

 

That brings us to the Milk Carton Kids, Hansel and Gretel the Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez of fairy tale land. They are lured into the wicked witch’s (notice they are always a “wicked” witch and no referred to as a “bad ass” bitch?) home to be tossed into a oven (in my updated version the bitch witch in actuality would be Alice B. Toklas a mixing them with liberal potent portions of Acapulco Gold for a party with The Grateful Dead backstage at the Fillmore.

 

Written by the Grimm’s in 1812, it has a domineering wife who wants to desert the kids because the family can’t afford to feed them. The submissive pussy whipped dad agrees and the kids left in the woods lost and alone...The story has had many incarnations including an opera in 1893 written by...get this...ENGELBERT HUMPERDINCK! I kid you not..if I were kidding I would have said Monte Rock the III!!!!

 

Let this all be lesson to you...always check Miss Muffet’s tuffet (it’s a cheap thrill like copping a quick feel) and beware of beanstalks that appear out of nowhere (this ain’t the Sixties so you don’t really see it) as for Little Red Riding Hood...she’s not just for breakfast anymore!!

 

 

Chapter Two - Alice in Wonderland Amber Alert

 

 

Unlike the film "Debbie Does Dallas," Lewis Carroll's 1865 children's classic fantasy about Cheshire Cats and Mad Hatters,Wonderland Does Alice! In this fantastic tale a young girl falls down the rabbit hole of puberty (euphemism for loosing her virginity according to Dr. Marino) and lands in a fantasia world that would have been Main Street USA to Timothy Leary. The imagery and characters have a certain psychedelic panache surrounding them and has been immortalized in Jefferson Airplanes, "White Rabbit" and has become part and parcel of the LSD counter culture of the tie-dyed Sixties and Haight Ashbury. Having lived there myself for years, I can attest to the fact that one pill does make you larger and one pill makes you small.

 

"Alice in Wonderland" is just one in a long line of storybook children that would end up as a missing child on a milk carton with a full Amber Alert going viral on the web. Other "fantasy" candidates who would be placed on the promiscuous pedestal hit parade of abduction along with the Elizabeth Smarts would be Little Red Riding Hood who is captured by a ravenous transvestite wolf but manages to escape by being saved by the John Walsh Woodsman of the woods, a real "America's Most Wanted" moment.

 

Then we have Dorothy of Kansas, whisked away to the land of Oz against her will and falls into the fast company as a street walking gingham clad prostitute on the famed Yellow Brick Road which in fantasy land is the Mustang Ranch of the Horse of a Different Color. She manages to kill her pimp, the wicked witch of the north, and begins to wear ruby red slippers and fishnet stockings as she entertains the troops with her Flying Monkey Act. Snow White, obviously a blonde, is held captive by a gang of gang banging dwarfs for whom she is forced to take turns turning tricks as a Hi Ho!

 

Peter Pan leads young boys to Never Never Land for a life in the rough trades. Hansel and Gretel would share a milk carton as missing in action and are almost eaten alive by Hannibal Lechter's lecherous aunt. She wanted to put them in the oven and bake them with the brownies she was heating up, in fact a whole troop of them as an appetizer after a dinner of Girl Scouts and their cookies!

 

Children always seem to go missing in fairy tales and fantasy stories like Alice in Wonderland and we insist of reading about them to scare the hell out of our own kids. "Don't talk to strangers" ...yeah Alice, that Mad Hatter is about as strange as they come..."Just Say NO to Drugs" and here is your DARE t-shirt Alice...so what does she do...spends time with a hookah smoking caterpillar. Promiscuous? Of course she was...she only got larger so those below could peek up her gingham and gander. Watch out...that rabbit is looking for a hole! So the next time you read one of this stories to your own children...don't be surprised if some of them want to wear lipstick and enter a beauty contest or wants to go to Bangkok to be a teenage pole dancer. So save those milk cartons...you never know when they might become part of your family album.

 

"Alice in Wonderland" was written by an Englishman named Charles Lutwidge Dodgson who adopted the pen name Lewis Carroll. If you think Alice's adventures where tripped out, the story of Lewis Carroll himself who wrote the book for ten year old Alice Lidell, daughter of a friend of Carroll's. He not only wrote it for her but named the lead character after her. Soon Carroll fell down his own personal emotionally disturbed rabbit hole and spent his time photographing young Alice Liddell and some of her other 10 year old friends in the nude frolicking with one another (yes full frontal photos exist as proof in his letters and memorabilia) He soon developed a crush on young Alice and went so far as proposing marriage when he turned 33 to her when she turned 11. It was his way of having her chase his mad hatter hard on so he could put a rabbit into a different kind of hole... Alice! We'll get back to Carroll's obsession with young Alice and his burning desire to experience carnal fire in the hole later, but for now..drop a hit of acid or mescaline and turn on and tune into Wonderland...don't forget to bring the hookah and the condoms Amigos, along with Alice's training bra!

 

Carroll told the tale to young Alice as a bedtime story, and as a little girl she was so enamored with the story of a bored little girl who goes off in search of adventure that she asked him to write it down for her so she could read it over and over to herself. I guess even she noticed his preoccupation with her. "Is that a mad hatter in your pants, or are you happy to see me?" He wrote it down, took Alice for