Fairy Tales & Other Murders - Mike Marino (the false prince TXT) 📗

opium field of dreams where they were greeted by a wizend old Chinese wizard dressed in a colorful hanfu with embroidred dragons and yes, Flying Monkeys!!! As the old Kong Fuzi confused them with more Confusion confusion handed them of them each an intricately carved pipe of curious dreams and vivid visions Dorothy realized she had come up against the gatekeeper of the Flying Monkey Dildos.

 

Fully loaded and Orientally disoriented they hit the road for Oz that lay just over yonder, ast least according to the magic talking Chinese Tao dog kown as Wild Blue pointing with his blue point tail to an obscenely beautiful twin towered structure glowing a brilliant pulsating emerald green, it was either OZ or Humboldt County in California, same thing Dorothy had managed to lift one of the flying monkey dildos for research purposes only. Gratifying self gratification or Newton’s Law of Self-Gratifying Gravity, what goes in must come out!

 

As they enered OZ they were taken to the Wizard himself who promised to grant them their wishes in exchange for the Ruby Red Pumps in Dorothy’s possession, aht being 9/10ths of the law. The Tin Man Steely Dan Dildo got perpetual lubrication, (batteries not included..he was a solar self charging unit, environmentally and vaginally friendly!) The Scarecrow Schizoid was given a lifetime supply of medication for not only him but all those others locked up inside his chaotic psychotic imagination. As for the Queen of the Forest, the Wizard gave a free sex change and a contract for a gig as a drag queen at the Peonie and Pansy Nightclub, the hot spot for female lionesse impersonators, in the nearby town of Long Wang on the Penis Peninsula. As for Dorothy?

 

She was granted a Greyhound bus ticket to Wichita and got to keep one of the Flying Monkey Electro Dildos. In the opium field in a haze she admitted later in Playgirl, “I had made it with the Tin Man Dildo all night long, both of su stoned to the bone and I must say, he was cocked and locked and loaded. A flying Money is fine for beginners but once you’ve had a Tin Man you never go back!”

 

So she said her goodbyes before hitting the highway..”I love you strawman, stay on your meds or you’ll end up with hypodermic needles of full tranqs in you, and if they lose one, well they’ll have to tear you apart as it’s hard to find a hypodermic needle in a haystack!” To Lionesse now going by the name of Roar Paul, “I know you will look even better with boobs than I do! So knock ‘em dead Babe!” and as she boarded the bus she remembered her night of erotic pleasure with the tin man dildo...she smile and said, “I’ll miss you MOIST of all!”

 

 

Chapter Six - Peter Pan Syndrome

 

The Pan legacy of angst laden juveniles who fend for themselves has all the makings of James Dean and Rebel Without a Cause. Dean was Pan and Sal Mineo was Tinkerbell in retrospect and yes, Natalie Wood was Wendy Darling and Buzz and the chicky run gang were Hook and Company. A leather jacketed pirates crew if ever there were Matey. The pan-demonium generated from this once a book, then Disneyfied film resulted in some classic cinema studies of psychotics from Lord of the Flies to the Lost Boys to Alex and his violence prone Droogies in A Clockwork Orange. In all cases, these are examples of a classic Pan Syndrome, just add pixie dust, mental illness, vampires and someone singin' in the rain, and you have all the ingredients.

 

Pan never grew up, nor had reason to. He had it made in Never Land wearing tights that showed off a lost boys lost bulge in a region we now know as the Sansa Belt Action Zone. Is that a Peter Pan in your pants or are you just playing with your tinkerbell? Pan never made it with the prom queen to my knowledge and life was more like the film "Boys in the Band" than "Boys That Were Banned" It was hilarious hermaphrodite homage at the very least and a gay bar in paradise at the most. Hey, it's 5 O'Clock Somewhere and happy hour is about to begin.

 

Peter Pan. Not a Bogart type by any stretch of the noir imagination. Not a tough Sam Spade character but more of a cross between a young Leo Dicaprio and Ru Paul type. He has been portrayed on screen in animated form as a boy, and in a movie version is portrayed by Mary Martin. Sort of a Mary Goes Lesbo portrayal which I never quite understood. It's like having Mickey Rourke play Barbarella (now that could be interesting!) In the ongoing story ine Pan fights a never ending battle against his arch foe Hook, and of course in the end prevails as good whips evils ass. Unlike most happy Disney films where animated characters die before our very eyes, Pan remains not only victorious and androgynous, but manages to live despite Disneys penchant for necrophiliac hijinx.

 

Then there is the classic Lord of the Flies based on a 1954 book by William Golding. A group of young kids end up on an uninhabited and uninhibited island following a nuclear disaster. Most of the young boys start off as gentle and socialized as River Phoenix in "Stand By Me" but soon degenerate into wild animals like denizens from the Ninth Gate of Hell, by the way, dig the title, Lord of the Flies, same thing those that know him refer to Satan himself so please let me introduce myself..sorry, the song just ran rampant through me head. The boys factionalize and the battle is on between conformity and individualism. One of those Red Scare things no doubt of Commies vs. Us paranoia scenarios of the early cold war 1950's. Soon they see begin to imagine an imaginary beast which turns out to be a pig and eventually gets beheaded by one of the juvies and it's head stuck on a stick into the ground so that tribute might be offered to it similar to giving King Kong a nubile white babe with pink nipples to fondle in his fortress of solitude, turning Fay Raye into a finger puppet, yes, use your own imagination, mine is busy right now with my own visual.

 

Cue the vampires Ah yes, Kiefer Sutherland and company ramp up the vamps and romp through the night sucking blood and racing motorcycles. Sounds like an evening in Detroit. The lead punk vamp, Kiefer, is called David. Now pay attention, his girlfriend was named Star. Star of David? All of a sudden the vampires are from Miami Beach! Then there is Michael. The archangel for all you Catholics? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, or writing too much into it is more like it, but couldn't resist. So stop writing and eat your maggots Michael.

 

We now turn our attention to "Clockwork Orange" a masterpiece of violence that takes violence for the sake of violence and violates all our precepts of what violence is all about. It's Kubrick after all and not Peckinpah, but gratuitous sex and violence permeate this fest of fetish as though it were the Fulton Fish Market in NYC on a hot windless August day. Now if it were a tuna odor, thats another story of Leave it to Beavers Estros. IN the end Alex gets his. All in all it's Peter Pan as Charles Manson. Love the eye make-p though and damned if I can find a pair of white pants to show off my Peter Pan in all its glory. Maybe if I start singing in the rain it will be noticed. If not then I'll become a lost boy vampire and feed only during menstruation periods..a lost boys breakfast of champions!

Chapter Seven - Mickey Mouse in Ganja Land

 

Ganjaland Jamaica: The Hap, Hap, Happiest Place on Earth!

 

Where else can you rock and roll on the worlds slowest but most intoxicating theme park ride. That's right, we're talking the Roach Clip Roller Coaster where it rocks you while you roll your own! It's all a part of the far out fun and like wow excitment of the New Ganjaland Themepark in Jamaica where ganja and good times are as normal as inhaling and exhaling.

 

Disney characters spring to life in this wonderland of weed including Reggae Mouse Mickey, Ganja Duck Donald and Voodoo Goofy! If you're looking for angel dust, don't be surprised if Whacked Out Tinkerbell doesn't divebomb you with a dimebag of hallucinogens as you begin your journey through a real three dimensional dementia of Fantastic Fantasia Fantasy in the tunnel of love with your plastic fantasic lover. The Bob Marley Mad Hatter Mansion is full of voodoo and magic as you step through the looking glass and bang a gong and hit a bong with the animated automatonic rasta singers.."oooo mon....oooo mon..." be sure to sing along as the gods must be crazy afterall!!!

 

Maryjane and Peter "Waterpipe" Pan take you on a journey where somebody speaks and you go into a dream as you float down the river on a ride that includes stoned pirates and alligators with carnivorous munchies in the fabled realm of Opiumland! Hap, hap, happy hopheads pop up out of the jungle on either side as the world famous Jim "Hempy" Hensons Marijuana Puppets do a real Jamaican jump up ceremony amidst the driving beat of drums and "oooo mon...oooo mon" punctuating the smoke filled air with enough cloud cover to give even a DEA agent a contact high. Speaking of DEA agents, don't forget to visit one of the areas favorite sections ...Marleyland where real live DEA agents try to bust you and plant evidence. It's a laugh a minute so be sure you use the live ammo you were issued with your admission tickets and as Ganja Mickey would say..."Ha Ha boys and girls...Go For the Head Shots!"

 

Another highlight of your visit will be the stage show put on by the Marleyteers. No mouse ears here gang, but rasta locks piled as high as that Led Zeppelin Stairway to Heaven. Whose the leader of the band...as plain as you can see....Marley Mon, Marley Mon, with a big ol' bag of weed! Eveybody sing along! Before you leave don't forget to pick up your very own custom made voodoo doll ..curse not included but guaranteed to work on that school bully