Fairy Tales & Other Murders - Mike Marino (the false prince TXT) 📗

who is driving you to suicide because you are as week and mentally unbalanced as they come. Stick a pin in it...toss it in the fire you just set in the gym, or put a bullet in it when you waste the rest of the kids in the cafeteria...it's fun..it's thrilling...it's deadly!

 

So tell mom and dad, "Hey Mom Mon, I wants to go to Disney Jamaica, you know, to get me head right and get down wit some voodoo and shrunken heads..." Remember..Walt Loves You...Walt Loves Weed....and you'll love stepping through the looking glass at Disneyland Jamaica where Rasta and Reggae Meet Cartoons and Weed!

 

 

Chapter Eight - Elvis as Moses

 

 

CB DeMille produced two versions of the “Ten Commandments” ...one in 1956 and the first on the pre-talkie silent era as well. We found a third version of the film, called the Top Ten Hits by Hal Wallis featuring Elvis Presley as Moses Presley and featured a boffo performance by a young sexy Ann Margret as a red hot Burning Bush! Elvis as Moses asks the Pharoah played by Ernest Borgnine to release his people from Betty Page bondage...at least those that wanted to. Different strokes of the whip for different folks.

 

He leads his people to the River Jordanaires after the Red Sea escapade where Elvis runs into a bevy of bikini wearing sheperd girls (“GIrls, Girls, Girls!” and “All Shook Up”) lwhen he runs into Noah’s Water Taxi Service. Noah played by Wilford Brimley, who looked old at birth, asks Elvis Moses if he needs a lift. Elvis Moses waves him on as David Copperfield parts the Red Sea.

Eventually he comes across Ann Margarets burning bush...use your own imagination on this one and spends an hour serenading it with songs like “Love Me Tender” She eventually gets a restraining order on him and he can’t approach her land o’ Goshen within 100 yards.

 

The film is full of special Elvis songs to make you swoon!!!! As he breaks into song while hitting on Ann Margarets burning bush he also breaks into a rousing rendition of “Hunka, Hunka, Burning Love”

 

As he leaves the palace banished to the wilderness of the desert, he does a fantastic choreographed version of “Walk Like an Egyptian” and “Hey, Judaism” (made popular later by the Beatles as “Hey Jude” to avoid a lawsuit) after approaching the pharaoh with “You Ain’t Nothing but a Hound Dog”

 

Soon they arrive at their destination and the Elvis Moses we know and love kicks butt with a dance filled “Viva Mt. Sinai” as he is given a stone engraved with Elvis’ Top Ten Hits.On top of charts and on top of the Mount. Elvis Moses leads his people to the promised land...Memphis and they all start recording at Sun Studios...free at last!!

 

This is an Elvis Moses Film every collection should have.

Chapter 9 - Who Killed Mr. Ed?

 

The Killing of Mr. Ed is right up there in the conspiracy hit parade of who killed Cock Robin and JFK! Was a simple drug overdose as in the case of Elvis and Lenny Bruce? Was it suicide or did an unscupulou...s veterinian administer the lethal dose as in the case of Michael Jackson? Was he killed by a jealous equine competitor? Many feel after reading the autopsy reports that it was a conspiracy involving everyone from Mr Friend Flicka to Trigger the Wonder Horse.

All the facts have become muddled over the years and one name keeps cropping up...Francis the Talking Mule who did have a grudge against Ed for decades. Was Mr. Ed killed by multiple tranquilizer shots...or as popular myth would have you believe by a single shot from a marksman with a syringe. The lone killer is thought to have been Francis but the mule never made it trial. Other equine witnesses have also died mysteriously just as they were supoened to testify to a Congressional Committee. Many think Francis was also killed by lethal injection before he could talk and spill the oats.

 

Mister Ed (real name Bamboo Harvester) you know Hollywood types...gotta have a catchy name, first appeared on television in 1961 and retired from show biz in 1966. Mr. Ed was all male..a real stallion, Francis the Talking Mule however was from Missouri and was a female mule named Molly. As a transvestite animal she was chastised by the rednecks and fled to Hollywood and there found a home in movies. Being able to talk was a blessing but also curse at the same time. Francis the Mules popularity waned and Mr. Ed rose to fame on television creating animosity between the two. They never spoke to each other again. In an interview with Trigger after Mr. Ed's mysterious death he is quoted as saying on Equine Entertainment Tonight..."Ed was a pal of mine and a true friend. I never got along with that crossdressin Francis as her voice was frightening to me..so deep she sounded more like Chill Wills than a woman!"

 

Then there is the Mysterious Mare who shared more than a stable with Mr. Ed during filming. Her name was Pumpkin and was Mr. Eds stand in and stunt double for those times when Mr. Ed was drying out from alcohol abuse or checked into the Betty Ford Horse Clinic for treatment of tranquilizer addiction. Pumpkin later appeared as a regular on Green Acres. Pumpkin is now dead too so the mystery went to the grave with her. Notice the correlation between her death and that of Marilyn Monroe. Flicka, Silver and Trigger all rushed to her side when they were notified of her overdose in the stable and authorities were not notified until the morning when she died peacefully in her sleep. Francis was not implicated in this death either but there were rumors that they had romantic rendevous in Nevada after checking into the Mustang Ranch Frequently seen with them on nights on the town were close friends Trigger and Buttermilk, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans horse. The Lone Ranger and Tonto would not give interviews, as Silver and Scout were also close associates. When the Equine Rat Pack would party hearty on oats and hay until all hours of the morning. There are also rumors of a menage a trois between Mr. Ed, Pumpkin and Mustang Sally. Ride Sally Ride...Giddy up you gelding you...you go girl....

 

Mr Ed died in 1970 in California. Allan Young, who played Wilber Post on the TV series was a close human companion of Ed and visited him frequently after the show ended. Mr. Ed (Bamboo Harvester) died from a tranquilizer administered in his stable in California while living with his trainer Lester Hilton. Hilton had an alibi as he claims he was out of town and a temporary care giver saw Mr. Ed rolling on the ground and adminsitered the tranquilizer for unknown reasons. Mr Ed died within hours. He was immediately cremated. Was Mr. Ed euthanized maliciously? An accident? A conspiracy? What about other mysterious deaths? such as Jimmie Hoffa, Martin Luther King, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie?

 

There have been as many Mr. Ed sightings as there have been of Elvis. Mr. Ed has been reported to be living in disguise in a rodeo as a horse clown. The truth may never be known as one by one..the participants have all died mysteriously before they could testify.

 

Francis never talked..too stubborn! Pumpkin never married, and Roy Rogers had Trigger stuffed. If we ever needed the truth we have to hear it from the horses mouth..Mr. Eds mouth to be exact...but now we can only speculate on who the horses ass it was that killed Mr. Ed.

Chapter 10 - The Beaver Cleaver Murders

 

They have finally solved the mystery of the disappearance of the entire Cleaver clan from TV Land. One minute Ward Cleaver was cleverly firing off thuderous rounds of inane wisdom faster than a semi-automatice Pez dispenser. Once regarded as the epitome of the perfect TV family, they just disappeared without a trace! Alien Abduction? Raped by the ratings? Speculation has been running rampant and rampaging as to the mystery behind the demise of this lovable nuclear family. Did Larry Mondello with his unending appetite eat the Cleavers in a feeding frenzy that would make a school of Amazon river pirhanas look like amateurs? Did the Charles Manson of polyester, Mike Brady and his Brady gang secretly destroy their competition?

 

Some schools of conspiracy thought blame Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver himself for the disappearance of his parents along with help from his brother Wally, teen age sex symbol who could never figure out women, who finally snapped after semesters of football brain injuries. Neither has been seen in years. The brothers had a falling out over a transsexual lover and it turned out to be Danny Bonaduce!

 

. June Cleaver's cleavage is also highly suspect as she was eventually caught entertaining Eddie Haskell and Lumpy Rutherford with lewd tassle dancing in a Billingsly thong and holding court in the Cleaver home with a riding crop and handcuffs. "Gosh Mrs Cleaver, what lovely cleavage you have" Eddie was heard to say on more than one ocassion.

 

Our reporters have tracked down this nefarious family. Ward is now a born-again preacher who talks in tongues in Tennessee and a practicing polygamist married to all the Brady Bunch Daughters who are all pregnant with his spawn, while June Cleaver ran a bordello using aging tv moms as hookers from Donna "Do Me" Reed to "Blow Job Mama Brady" and "Pussy Partridge" Eddie Haskell? What can you expect, he is a gay street hustler in Pomona while Lumpy Rutherford is a junkie living on borrowed time. A side note, when June Cleaver passed away, Beaver had her body taxidermied after seeing Psycho for the