Fairy Tales & Other Murders - Mike Marino (the false prince TXT) 📗

factor adn you have Hannah Montana Does Dallas. You see, the Betty character was officially always and only 16 years old in cartoon years and could qualify as Roman Polanski's girlfriend.

 

Betty has remained iconic for decades and is hotter than ever today. Her "film" career heyday was the the 1930's and 1940's but she also had a cameo appearance in "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" which launched the cartoon sex career of Jessica Rabbit! Who knows...in the future we could see a film of Jessica Rabbit seducing a 16 year old Betty Boop in an amimated lesbian love affair with one hell of a Boop Boop de Boop climax! If so, I will be first in line for tickets!

Chapter Fourteen - The Catnip Connection

 

From Felix to Fritz, felines have been making a beeline for the pop culture catbox since Prohibition! The silver screen exploded with animated animals including Steamboat Willie, the early incarnation of Mickey Mouse, a tribute to rodentia and canines were not left out of the mix, along with ducks and cwazy wabbits, but, when it came to the pop culture needs of Americans, it was no contest, they wanted Pussy Galore!

Cat idolatry has it's feline claws deep into the flesh of ancient Egyptian culture. Pharohs and felines seemed to have ruled the royal roost in those madcap days of Cleopatra cruisin' down the Nile. Egypt has survived the ages like a well preserved Imhotep and have permeated pop culture in art and cinema. Universal studios horrified the audience with horrific tales of mummies and curses, but, it was the cat cult that has turned ordinary pet lovers into virtual slaves!

The original cat cult was referred to as Mau, very smilar to "meow'. Cats were revered for their abilities to vanquish vermin and to conquer cobras in battle. Any warrior of this stature reserves the right to have it's own goddess, and one was given to them whose name was Bast. The frisky felines were so well respected that they were often given royal burial and mummifed, a practice usually reserved for only the Big Cahuna of the pharoh dynasties. One tomb unearthed revealed the mummified remains of over 80,000 mummy wrapped mousers. Felix was one of the founding cat fathers that paved the way for other pop culture celebs of the feline persuasion, that include Garfield, Sylvester and of course that feline hipster of the urban night, Fritz the Cat and his street gang of pimps and prostitutes. Felix made his cinematic debut in 1919 in short called Feline Follies. The name Felix was chosen for it's Latin roots, "felis" which means "feline"

Along with his "bag of tricks" Felix was the toast of the animated town. "Felix in Hollywood" released in 1923 had Felix on the big screen with an animated Charlie Chaplin. His fame soared and it was the equivilent of Beatlemania. Felix merchandising exploded with lunch boxes and anything else they could put his likeness on. He was also the first giant balloon designed for use in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. In 1928, Felix was the first image shown on a fledgling television experimental station in NYC and every newspaper in America it seemed carried the Felix comic strip which in turn was followed by Felix comic books. His fan base included Charles Lindberg who when he flew solo across the Atlantic carried a Felix doll with him to France! During WWII, a bomber squadron adopted Felix as their mascot and had his logo on the nose of the bombers which was a Felix holding a bomb with lit fuse. The voice of Felix over the decades was that of Walter Tetley, who is also best remembered as the voice of Mr. Peabody on the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.

As for subject matter, Felix cartoons tackeled the Russion Civil War, prohibition and drugs including one titled, "Felix Dopes it Out" Rising poverty among Americans was also tackled and in one cartoon, Felix becomes a feline union organizer and gets the Meow Vote to revolt against the establishment. See, even Felix was a socialist revolutionary.

Like all great agents of social change for Upton Sinclair to Martin Luther King, Felix paved the way for Feline Freedom. Without Felix there would be no Garfield..there would be no Cat From Outer Space or even that Darned Cat, and especially, no Fritz the Cat! Brian Setzer may not have founded the Stray Cats for rockabilly feline lovers, and the punk band The Queers would have to use another logo for their mascot.

Fritz the Cat, was a street wise Lenny Bruce punk who knew every feline junkie, pimp and prostitute in the ghetto. Let's face it he knew hot pussy when it presented itself. Garfield on the other hand was the caustic and sarcastic cat wit that every mother loved and whether it was a soft, stuffed plush toy or stuck to the rear window, legs akimbo on the rear window of every soccer moms van, he was a national hit. sylvester the Cat had a speech impediment that included a spit and a limp lisp and was for the most part all talk and bluff, and a damned canary could pull the cat fur over his eyes with the greatest of easy. Sufferin' Succatash! One of the stranger cats was the cat purchased in the film Mouse Hunt. The large cat was to rid the old mansion of a troublesome mouse. The cat itself resembled Cujo more than Morris, and was aptly name Catzilla!

There was the sci-fi Cat from Outer Space and the ring-a-ding-ding That Darned Cat complete with Bobby Darin finger popping sound track. Brian Setzer set the stage for rockabilly cats everywhere with the back beat group the Stray Cats, and then...there was Alf..the cat's natural enemy. Alf was the terror of terrified felines, and being from another world, ate cats and regarded them as nothing more than a feline smorgasbord!

Even cats have a drug problem. It's not just confined to humanity. Catnip..the heroin of the jazz cat ghetto. The catnip connection is alive and well and many a stoner cat will consider this the drug of choice among their social circle. After a few hits, the feline in question will start acting bizarre like a crazed patron in a Chinese opium den. Catnip is legal for now, but prohibition can't be far down the road. If and when it is ever classified as a narcotic, you can bet there will be a rise in violent catnip cartels popping up like feral felines on a rampage.

Ok, not a cat per se, but we can't omit the sexual side of catology. The Human Cat Factor. Catwoman. Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt brought a sense of sexual immortality to the pussy cult. Newmar in tight fitting leather pants and ears just makes a cat lover out of any self respecting male, or female who also wants to engage in a bit of a girl on cat romp in the hay. Leather works for me! So the next time you're enjoying a bowl of your favorite catnip and have to make a mad dash to the catbox or a visit to a cat house or Julie Newmar gives yo an erection or makes your nipples stand at full attention...thank Felix..the wonderful, wonderful cat and his hipster bag of tricks! Felix Rocks!

Chapter 15 - Scarface Snow White & Seven Dwarf Junkies

 

Now the truth can be told! It was one of those dark rainy nights, the kind where you find the lifeless bodies of spurned suicidal lovers lying in a cold gutter in a back alley. I was investigating the disappearance of an undercover dwarf who was off the grid and lost on some yellow brick road to nowhere. He hadn’t checked into headquarters for 48 hours at this point and there was reason for concern.

 

His mission was to infiltrate the Snow White gang of dope smuggling dwarves led by the Ma Barker of the Fairy Tale Kingdom..Snow White! She earned that media moniker by some overzealous journalists due to her insatiable appetite for cocaine nose candy. Candy is dandy...but liquor is quicker. There was cause for concern as he may have been found out and whacked gangland style by one of her hitmen henchmen.

 

Snow’s tale of crime began when it was discovered by a stoolie mirror who talked too much that she was the fairest of all. This didn’t sit well with her boss who was already one of the biggest cocaine dealers in the grimm land of fairy tales. Snow White was the underboss of the operation and she knew something was wrong and made plans to branch off on her own with her own gang of undersized underground lollipop guild and take over as Boss Bitch.

 

She formed a gang of wiseguy midgets who were loyal...Sneezy whose coke habit was enough to make Tony Montana and his little friends..wealthy beyond imagination. Doc who was the consiglieri and chemist who could whip up a batch of powerful powder to keep Harlem happy until Kwanza arrived. Sleepy was a heroin addict and kept nodding off. Grumpy who was one pissed off little dude who amped it up with amphetamines and Happy who unlike the others kept flying high on LSD. Bashful who was just that ever since the night he couldn’t get it up and the hooker Sleeping Beauty excused herself by saying “I don’t have all night. If you get it up..start without me..” and of course there was Dopey...need I say more?

 

We had sent in our own little person, Sleezy, our own Donnie Brassballs Brasco who earned his name in the rough trade according to the credentials we had manufactured. He was in and reporting on a growing drug trade to pixies and fairies such as the cross dressing Tinkerbell who was working the streets as a prostitute with every Tom Thumb and Little John who had cash and a Cadillac.

 

Her old boss, the Wicked Queen put out a contract on her and hired a gang of Irish Leprechaun thugs known as the Westies to carry out the hit but Snow’s gang caught wind of the impending war and struck first. Snow was to meet the Witch at Peter Pans Steakhouse that night for a sit down but it was a set up...Snow White dispatched John Gotti Gitchigumee to whack her as she stepped out of her limo...that night...all went as planned and Snow White was now in the black.

 

But Sleezy was now missing. Foul play?