Colonel Chuckles - Scorpio *** (best classic romance novels .TXT) 📗

nodded in negative. But his friend was more encouraging. He said “ why not Col Sab   this is the advantage you Army chaps have over us . Anyway Black Label shouldn’t be kept waiting”

 

He took both the glasses and gave one to the doctor. The Royal Stag in the flask suddenly attained promotion to SCOTCH stataus. The bulky guy said to me “long time I didn’t have any real Scotch. The stuff you get in Bheemapalli you cant trust most of the times. This is really good”

 

“Hi why don’t you pour one more large” .I happily poured one more each.

After gulping the disguised Black Label he asked me

 

“ Hi Col Saab You don’t have one yourself ? Or is it over your flask seems to be empty? “

 

“ Sure! I have another bottle in the dash board. But I will have it later as soon as the Polic leave. They might be here any moment”

 

Doctor and his friend became pale like white paper?”  

 

Col’s Tweet

 

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that considered a hostage crisis?

 

77 : Golden Urinal

 

Hi! this was narrated to me by Col’s wife herself ! So no discount granted Ok!

 

“ Last Saturday your ‘Boss’ came home completely drunk, left his car parked with lights on. He lurched through the door and was met by me, definitely was not a pleasant sight.

 

“Where in the hell have you been all night?" I couldn’t resist asking him

  "At this fantastic new bar," he said "The Golden Rocks   near the Palace Cinema. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the art works every thing in gold - heck, even the urinal's gold!"

 

I couldn’t believe his story . I removed his shoes and straightaway led him to bed.

 

The next day I checked the yellow pages and found the No of this damned joint called the Golden Rock. I rang up the No.

 

"Is this the Golden Rock ?" I asked

 

“Yes you are right, what can I do Madam?” A male voice ansrerd . Could   you get ur manager please ?

 

“Spaeking madam? How can I help you ?”

  "Do you have huge golden doors?"

  "Sure we   do!" 

  "Do you have golden floors too ?"

  "Most certainly , we do "

   "What about golden art works?" 

   “Yes Mdam”

 

    Your urinals are also Gold painted? ?”

 

There was a long pause ......... 

 

Then I overheard Manager yelling, "Hey, Thomas, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night”

 

Col Tweets

 

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

 

78   Good Bargain

 

1972 March. Just after the Indo- Pak war.  It was a dark, stormy night in the desert in Alwar, Rajasthan. Young captain xxxx ( our Col) newly posted to the Unit was on his first assignment as the Duty officer of the day. As part of the duty given by the Adjutant he had to patrol around whole area between 1030 &1130 PM and check the sentries whether all were vigilant and alert.

 

He heard the dongs of quarter guard sounding 10 pm. As he was pedaling his old Raleigh cycle along the officers quarters area as earnestly as he could checking the sentries the Commanding Officer (CO), old and lanky Sardar, Lt Col Shamsher Singh stepped out his palatial bungalow taking his dog out for a routine walk. The nervous young Captin dismounted from his cycle, threw the cycle to the left of the road as if he had learnt the art from Jagathy Sreekumar, snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out  “Good Evening, Sir!"

 

The CO, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening Son how are you? Very pleasant night, isn't it?” probably he was much impressed with the young captain.

 

Well, it wasn't a pleasant night! lightening & thunders around . But Col wasn’t going to dare to disagree with the CO, so he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

 

The CO continued, "You know there's something special about a stormy night in desert that I find it is soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

 

Of course Col would not agree, but then Col was just a Captain and he couldn’t but respond " Yes Sir!"

 

The CO then pointing at the dog on leash told him ” This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.” Col glanced at the dog; he didn’t see any gold there but saluted again and said “ Yes Sir!"

 

The CO continued "you know , I got this dog for my wife yesterday!"

 

Without blinking an eyelid Col   simply replied, “ Yes Sir! a good exchange Sir”

 

You must ask col in private what he got in the office next day!

 

 

Col Tweets

 

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

 

79 Trip to Australia

 

Col and his wife  were flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to Celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Col turns to his wife and asks, " Did we pay our last month instalment for that 5 lakh loan from HDFC?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Col still shaken from the crash landing, asks again "Hi, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?" "Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

 

"One last thing, Dear. Did you remember to send cheques for the car loan to  the SBI  this month?" Col asks.

 

"Oh, forgive me, dear," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either."

 

Col grabs her so warmly and gives her the biggest kiss in 35 years. The puzzled lady pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

The exuberant Col" God is great!   You have done a wonderful job! One of those idiots will rescue us!"

 

 

Col  Tweets

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone

 

80  Costly Affair

 

Col had a nice black Afso whih brought from Siliguri once he was posted there. It was so dear To Col’s wife that she was in tears when Rocky the dog fell ill. She was more or less dead when they took her to a famous Vet in the city.

 

After a short look at the dog the Vet pronounced it as dead, Grief stricken Col was not satisfiwd with the diagnosis of the Vet.

“ Doc Can we please have a second opinion?”

“ NO need Col I can understand ur grief Col but the fact is that the poor thing is dead” Vet replied. Col’s wife won’t agree She said “Lets try please”

The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges   Rocky around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.

"There" says the vet,” Your Rocky is dead".

 

Still not happy Col asked for a third opinion hoping for the best. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the dog up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking it's head.

 

"It's definitely dead sir", says the vet. Sad and resigning to the fate Col an enquires how much he owes.

 

"That will be Rs 5000 Sir “ the Vet replied

 

Col’s wife was furious , " A 5000 just to tell me my doggie is dead"   She fumed.

 

Col Said “ Cool down darling! Let me ask, Why 5000 Doc?

 

"Well", says the vet, "There's my diagnosis, Rs 1000,   the LAB report Rs 20000 and Rs for the CAT Scan”

 

 

Col Tweets

 

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

 

 

81  We are on  patch!

 

Col and I were driving down the highway to Kovalam after having polished off four bottles of Kingfisher beer. Col was on the wheel and as usual the car was swerving left and right at will. I prayed to all 33.3 crores of Hindu deities and only one Jesus and Allah whom I could think off !

All of a sudden I noticed that light flashing continuously on our driving mirror. I knew the Flying Patrol was on our heels.

“Hi Boss what are we going to do? These idiots will ask us to blow in to that breath analyzer”

Col not perturbed at all told me “ Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

I complied his instructions truthfully. The police van pulled over and got out a solidly built inspector, walked up to the car. He looked at us with a grim face and asked to see Col’s license. Looking at the licence he said ” Good afernoon Sir, But have you been drinking?

"Oh, no, Inspector" Col replied confidently.

“But you see I noticed you were going back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asked

"Oh, no, Inspector Don’t you believe a Col of Indian Army?

“ ok Sir But what on earth are those labels on your forehead ?”

"That's easy, as simple Inspector " said Col "You see, I agree we are bit alcoholic but we are on the patch”

It seemed the Inspector did not follow the vocabulary of Col, gave a dirty look and said “ ok Sir carry on “

 

 

Col’ Tweets

 

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”  

 

 

 

82  Give a Caption !

 

 A recently appointed civilian clerk, of course a smart looking young lady,   was leaving the office in a huff to catch her 5.10 bus to home. Then she found our Col Sab standing in front of the shredder machine, totally lost, with a piece of paper in his hand.

Though in hurry She couldn’t ignore him for he is the boss. She gave him a polite but inquiring look.

"Listen, Shalini " said the Col "this is an important, very urgent and ‘Secret’  document and that idiot of my PA has left without telling me. . Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly, Sir " said the young girl with a subtle smile in her face. She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Col as the paper disappeared inside the machine. "It is a ‘secret’ one so I just needed   only one copy !"

 

Shalini stood dumbfounded!

 

Col Tweets

 

“He who laughs last; thinks slowest.”

 

 

 

83   Col’s brain ticks!

 

One evening when Col landed home from office he found his wife was busy frying eggs. , H straight away walked into kitchen and immediately starts yelling:

"CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!! MORE OIL!!! TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM NOW!!! WE  NEED MORE OIL!!! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!! CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL!!!  TURN THEM!!! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP!!! ARE YOU CRAZY!!!! THE OIL IS  GOING TO SPILL!!! USE MORE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!!"  The wife was so upset . She shouted back at him “ What the hell is wrong with you Hon? Why are you  yelling like this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg ?"

 

The Col calmly replied "This is to just show you what it feels  like ,when I am driving and you sit next to me..." 

 

Col’s brain ticks some times!

 

Col’s Tweet

 

“What happens if you get scared half