The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Counselor Rudd, of the Irish bar, was equally remarkable for his love of whist, and the dingy color of his linen. "My dear Dick," said Curran to him one day, "you can't think how puzzled we are to know where you buy all your dirty shirts."
DCCCLIII.—NOT INSURED AGAINST FIRE.Foote went to spend his Christmas with Mr. B——, when, the weather being very cold, and but bad fires, occasioned by a scarcity of wood in the house, Foote, on the third day after he went there, ordered his chaise, and was preparing to depart. Mr. B—— pressed him to stay. "No, no," says Foote; "was I to stay any longer, you would not let me have a leg to stand on; for there is so little wood in your house, that I am afraid one of your servants may light the fire with my right leg," which was his wooden one.
DCCCLIV.—NATURAL GRIEF.One hiring a lodging said to the landlady, "I assure you, madam, I am so much liked that I never left a lodging but my landlady shed tears."—"Perhaps," said she, "you always went away without paying."
DCCCLV.—A PROVERB REVERSED.With our parson the maxim should run t'other way;
[Pg 187] For so badly he acts, and so wisely he teaches,
We should shun what he does, and should do what he preaches.
DCCCLVI.—A CLOSE ESCAPE.
One of James Smith's favorite anecdotes related to Colonel Greville. The Colonel requested young James to call at his lodgings, and in the course of their first interview related the particulars of the most curious circumstance in his life. He was taken prisoner during the American war, along with three other officers of the same rank: one evening they were summoned into the presence of Washington, who announced to them that the conduct of their Government, in condemning one of his officers to death, as a rebel, compelled him to make reprisals; and that, much to his regret, he was under the necessity of requiring them to cast lots, without delay, to decide which of them should be hanged. They were then bowed out, and returned to their quarters. Four slips of paper were put into a hat, and the shortest was drawn by Captain Asgill, who exclaimed, "I knew how it would be; I never won so much as a hit at backgammon in my life." As Greville was selected to sit up with Captain Asgill, "And what," inquired Smith, "did you say to comfort him?"—"Why, I remember saying to him, when they left us, 'D—— it, old fellow, never mind!'" But it may be doubted (added Smith) whether he drew much comfort from the exhortation. Lady Asgill persuaded the French Minister to interpose, and the Captain was permitted to escape.
DCCCLVII.—A HARD HIT.Major B——, a great gambler, said to Foote, "Since I last saw you, I have lost an eye."—"I am sorry for it," said Foote, "pray at what game?"
DCCCLVIII.—THE TIME OUT OF JOINT.Some one who had been down in Lord Kenyon's kitchen, remarked that he saw the spit shining as bright as if it had never been used. "Why do you mention his spit?"[Pg 188] said Jekyll; "you must know that nothing turns upon that." In reference to the same noble lord, Jekyll observed, "It was Lent all the year round in the kitchen, and Passion week in the parlor."
DCCCLIX.—MONEY'S WORTH.A soldier, having retired from service, thought to raise a few pounds by writing his adventures. Having completed the manuscript, he offered it to a bookseller for forty pounds. It was a very small volume, and the bookseller was much surprised at his demand. "My good sir," replied the author, "as a soldier I have always resolved to sell my life as dearly as possible."
DCCCLX.—HIS WAY—OUT.Sir Richard Jebb, the famous physician, who was very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, it is my way."—"Then," returned his indignant patient, pointing to the door, "I beg you will make that your way!"
DCCCLXI.—A GROWL.Pardoned his infirmity.
He that marries twice is mad:
But, if you can find a fool
Marrying thrice, don't spare the lad,—
Flog him, flog him back to school.
DCCCLXII.—A MODERN SCULPTOR.
Brown and Smith were met by an overdressed individual, "Do you know that chap, Smith?" said Brown. "Yes, I know him; that is, I know of him,—he's a sculptor."—"Such a fellow as that a sculptor! surely you must be mistaken."—"He may not be the kind of one you mean, but I know that he chiselled a tailor—out of a suit of clothes last week."
DCCCLXIII.—A DIFFICULT TASK."You have only yourself to please," said a married[Pg 189] friend to an old bachelor. "True," replied he, "but you cannot tell what a difficult task I find it."
DCCCLXIV.—THE GOUTY SHOE.James Smith used to tell, with great glee, a story showing the general conviction of his dislike to ruralities. He was sitting in the library at a country-house, when a gentleman proposed a quiet stroll in the pleasure-grounds:—
"Stroll! why, don't you see my gouty shoe?"
"Yes, I see that plain enough, and I wish I'd brought one too; but they are all out now."
"Well, and what then?"
"What then? why, my dear fellow, you don't mean to say that you have really got the gout? I thought you had only put on that shoe to get off being shown over the improvements."
DCCCLXV.—A LUSUS NATURÆ.An agricultural society offered premiums to farmers' daughters, "girls under twenty-one years of age," who should exhibit the best lots of butter, not less than 10 lbs. "That is all right," said an old maid, "save the insinuation that some girls are over twenty-one years of age."
DCCCLXVI.—A CASE OF NECESSITY.A shopkeeper, who had stuck up a notice in glaring capitals, "Selling off! Must close on Saturday!" was asked by a friend, "What! are you selling off?"—"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, ain't they?"—"But you say, 'Must close on Saturday.'"—"To be sure; would you have me keep open on Sunday!"
DCCCLXVII.—SPECIES AND SPECIE.In preaching a charity sermon, Sydney Smith frequently repeated the assertion that, of all nations, Englishmen were most distinguished for their generosity, and the love of their species. The collection happened to be inferior to his expectation, and he said that he had evidently made a great mistake; for that his expression should have been, that they were distinguished for the love of their specie.[Pg 190]
DCCCLXVIII.—DR. JOHNSON.When Dr. Johnson courted Mrs. Potter, whom he afterwards married, he told her that he was of mean extraction; that he had no money; and that he had had an uncle hanged! The lady, by way of reducing herself to an equality with the Doctor, replied, that she had no more money than himself; and that, though she had not had a relation hanged, she had fifty who deserved hanging.
DCCCLXIX.—THE POET FOILED.And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes,
She likes a verse, but, cruel whim,
She still appears a-verse to him.
DCCCLXX.—A COMEDIAN AND A LAWYER.
A few years ago, when Billy Burton, the American actor, was in his "trouble," a young lawyer was examining him as to how he had spent his money. There was about three thousand pounds unaccounted for, when the attorney put on a severe scrutinizing face, and exclaimed, with much self-complacency,—"Now, sir, I want you to tell this court and jury how you used those three thousand pounds." Burton put on one of his serio-comic faces, winked at the audience, and exclaimed, "The lawyers got that!" The judge and audience were convulsed with laughter. The counsellor was glad to let the comedian go.
DCCCLXXI.—VICE VERSA.It is asserted that the bad Ministers have contracted the National Debt. This cannot be; for instead of contracting it at all, bad Ministers have most materially extended it.
DCCCLXXII.—NOTHING PERSONAL.At a dinner-party one day a certain knight, whose character was considered to be not altogether unexceptionable, said he would give them a toast; and looking hard in the face of Mrs. M——, who was more celebrated for wit than beauty, gave "Honest men an' bonny lasses!"—"With[Pg 191] all my heart, Sir John," said Mrs. M——, "for it neither applies to you nor me."
DCCCLXXIII.—A HINT FOR GENEALOGISTS.Mr. Moore, who derived his pedigree from Noah, explained it in this manner: "Noah had three sons, Shem, Ham, and one more."
DCCCLXXIV.—A MISTAKE.Old Dick Baldwin stoutly maintained that no man ever died of drinking. "Some puny things," he said, "have died of learning to drink, but no man ever died of drinking." Mr. Baldwin was no mean authority; for he spoke from great practical experience, and was, moreover, many years treasurer of St. Bartholomew's Hospital.
DCCCLXXV.—AN IMPOSSIBLE RENUNCIATION.The late Dr. Risk, of Dalserf, being one of the moderators, did not satisfy, by his preaching, the Calvinistic portion of his flock. "Why, sir," said they, "we think you dinna tell us enough about renouncing our ain righteousness."—"Renouncing your ain righteousness!" vociferated the astonished doctor, "I never saw any ye had to renounce!"
DCCCLXXVI.—THE HUMANE SOCIETY AT AN EVENING PARTY.At an evening party, a very elderly lady was dancing with a young partner. A stranger approached Jerrold, who was looking on, and said,—
"Pray, sir, can you tell me who is the young gentleman dancing with that very elderly lady!"
"One of the Humane Society, I should think," replied Jerrold.
DCCCLXXVII.—A PROUD HEART.Mathews, whose powers in conversation and whose flow of anecdote in private life transcended even his public efforts, told a variety of tales of the Kingswood colliers (Kingswood is near Bristol), in one of which he represented[Pg 192] an old collier, looking for some of the implements of his trade, exclaiming, "Jan, what's the mother done with the new coal-sacks?"—"Made pillows on 'em," replied the son. "Confound her proud heart!" rejoins the collier, "why could she not take th' ould ones?"
DCCCLXXVIII.—SENT HOME FREE.A very considerate hotel-keeper, advertising his "Burton XXXX," concludes the advertisement: "N.B. Parties drinking more than four glasses of this potent beverage at one sitting, carefully sent home gratis in a wheelbarrow, if required."
DCCCLXXIX.—CHARLES II. AND MILTON.Charles II. and his brother James went to see Milton, to reproach him, and finished a profusion of insults with saying, "You old villain! your blindness is the visitation of Providence for your sins."—"If Providence," replied the venerable bard, "has punished my sins with blindness, what must have been the crimes of your father which it punished with death!"
DCCCLXXX.—WHOSE?Sydney Smith being ill, his physician advised him to "take a walk upon an empty stomach."—"Upon whose?" said he.
DCCCLXXXI.—"PUPPIES NEVER SEE TILL THEY ARE NINE DAYS OLD."It is related, that when a former Bishop of Bristol held the office of Vice-Chancellor of the University of Cambridge, he one day met a couple of undergraduates, who neglected to pay the accustomed compliment of capping. The bishop inquired the reason of the neglect. The two men begged his lordship's pardon, observing they were freshmen, and did not know him. "How long have you been in Cambridge?" asked his lordship. "Only eight days," was the reply. "Very good," said the bishop, "puppies never see till they are nine days old."[Pg 193]
DCCCLXXXII.—EPIGRAM.(On Lord W——'s saying the independence of the House of Lords is gone.)
Says W——, to truth for once inclined;
And to believe his lordship I am prone,
Seeing that he himself is left behind.
DCCCLXXXIII.—CONFIDENCE—TAKEN FROM THE FRENCH.
On the first night of the representation of one of Jerrold's pieces, a successful adaptator from the French rallied him on his nervousness. "I," said the adaptator, "never feel nervous on the first night of my pieces."—"Ah, my boy," Jerrold replied, "you are always certain of success. Your pieces have all been tried before."
DCCCLXXXIV.—BETTER KNOWN THAN TRUSTED.A well-known borrower stopped a gentleman whom he did not know, and requested the loan of a sovereign. "Sir," said the gentleman, "I am surprised that you should ask me such a favor, who do not know you."—"O, dear sir," replied the borrower, "that's the very reason; for those who do, will not lend me a farthing."
DCCCLXXXV.—WILL AND THE WAY.At a provincial Law Society's dinner the president
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