The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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A person lamented the difficulty he found in persuading his friends to return the volumes which he had lent them. "Sir," replied a friend, "your acquaintances find it is much more easy to retain the books themselves, than what is contained in them."[Pg 194]
DCCCLXXXVII.—BEWICK, THE ENGRAVER.When the Duke of Northumberland first called to see Mr. Bewick's workshops at Newcastle, he was not personally known to the engraver. On discovering the high rank of his visitor, Bewick exclaimed, "I beg pardon, my lord, I did not know your grace, and was unaware I had the honor of talking to so great a man." To which the Duke good humoredly replied, "You are a much greater man than I am, Mr. Bewick." To this Bewick answered, "No, my lord: but were I Duke of Northumberland, perhaps I could be."
DCCCLXXXVIII.—SUMMARY DECISION.Mr. Brougham, when at the bar, opened before Lord Chief Justice Tenterden an action for the amount of a wager laid upon the event of a dog-fight, which, through some unwillingness of dogs or men, had not been brought to an issue. "We, my lord," said the advocate, "were minded that the dogs should fight."—"Then I," replied the Judge, "am minded to hear no more of it:" and he called another cause.
DCCCLXXXIX.—A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.To all letters soliciting "subscriptions," Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely: "Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me, and beg to subscribe" (here the reader had to turn over leaf) "Myself, your very obedient servant," etc.
DCCCXC.—HABEAS CORPUS ACT.Bishop Burnet relates a curious circumstance respecting the origin of that important statute, the Habeas Corpus Act. "It was carried," says he, "by an odd artifice in the House of Lords. Lord Grey and Lord Norris were named to be the tellers. Lord Norris was not at all times attentive to what he was doing; so a very fat lord coming in, Lord Grey counted him for ten, as a jest at first; but seeing Lord Norris had not observed it, he went on with this misreckoning of ten; so it was reported to the House,[Pg 195] and declared that they who were for the bill were the majority, and by this means the bill passed."
DCCCXCI.—A RUNAWAY KNOCK.Douglas Jerrold describing a very dangerous illness from which he had just recovered, said—"Ay, sir, it was a runaway knock at Death's door, I can assure you."
DCCCXCII.—COMMON POLITENESS.Two gentlemen having a difference, one went to the other's door and wrote "Scoundrel!" upon it. The other called upon his neighbor, and was answered by a servant that his master was not at home. "No matter," was the reply; "I only wished to return his visit, as he left his name at my door in the morning."
DCCCXCIII.—THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE.Jekyll saw in Colman's chambers a squirrel in the usual round cage. "Ah! poor devil," said Jekyll, "he's going the Home Circuit."
DCCCXCIV.—A SOPORIFIC.A spendthrift being sold up, Foote, who attended every day, bought nothing but a pillow; on which a gentleman asked him, "What particular use he could have for a single pillow?"—"Why," said Foote, "I do not sleep very well at night, and I am sure this must give me many a good nap, when the proprietor of it (though he owed so much) could sleep upon it."
DCCCXCV.—CHARITABLE WIT.Wit in an influential form was displayed by the Quaker gentleman soliciting subscription for a distressed widow, for whom everybody expressed the greatest sympathy. "Well," said he, "everybody declares he is sorry for her; I am truly sorry—I am sorry five pounds. How much art thou sorry, friend? and thou? and thou?" He was very successful, as may be supposed. One of those to whom the case was described said he felt very much, indeed,[Pg 196] for the poor widow. "But hast thou felt in thy pocket?" inquired the "Friend."
DCCCXCVI.—USE IS SECOND NATURE.A tailor that was ever accustomed to steal some of the cloth his customer brought, when he came one day to make himself a suit, stole half-a-yard. His wife perceiving it, asked the reason; "Oh," said he, "it is to keep my hands in use, lest at any time I should forget it."
DCCCXCVII.—EPIGRAM.(On a certain M.P.'s indisposition.)
Dissect an ass before you try your skill.
DCCCXCVIII.—LIQUID REMEDY FOR BALDNESS.
Use brandy externally until the hair grows, and then take it internally to clinch the roots.
DCCCXCIX.—AN INGENIOUS DEVICE.The Irish girl told her forbidden lover she was longing to possess his portrait, and intended to obtain it. "But how if your friends see it?" inquired he. "Ah, but I'll tell the artist not to make it like you, so they won't know it."
CM.—THE REBEL LORDS.At the trial of the rebel lords, George Selwyn, seeing Bethel's sharp visage looking wistfully at the prisoners, said, "What a shame it is to turn her face to the prisoners, until they are condemned!"
Some women were scolding Selwyn for going to see the execution, and asked him how he could be such a barbarian to see the head cut off? "Nay," replied he, "if that was such a crime, I am sure I have made amends; for I went to see it sewed on again."
Walpole relates: "You know Selwyn never thinks but à la tête tranchée." On having a tooth drawn, he told the man that he would drop his handkerchief for the signal.[Pg 197]
CMI.—A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER."How are you this morning?" said Fawcett to Cooke.
"Not at all myself," says the tragedian. "Then I congratulate you," replied Fawcett; "for, be whoever else you will, you will be a gainer by the bargain."
CMII.—THE DIRECT ROAD.Walking to his club one evening with a friend, some intoxicated young gentleman reeled up to Douglas Jerrold, and said: "Can you tell us the way to the 'Judge and Jury?'" (a place of low entertainment). "Keep on as you are, young gentleman," was the reply, "you're sure to overtake them."
CMIII.—A SUGGESTIVE PAIR OF GRAYS.Jerrold was enjoying a drive one day with a well-known,—a jovial spendthrift.
"Well, Jerrold," said the driver of a very fine pair of grays, "what do you think of my grays?"
"To tell you the truth," Jerrold replied, "I was just thinking of your duns!"
CMIV.—DR. JOHNSON'S OPINION OF MRS. SIDDONS.When Dr. Johnson visited Mrs. Siddons, he paid her two or three very elegant compliments. When she retired, he said to Dr. Glover, "Sir, she is a prodigiously fine woman."—"Yes," replied Dr. Glover; "but don't you think she is much finer upon the stage, when she is adorned by art?"—"Sir," said Dr. Johnson, "on the stage art does not adorn her: nature adorns her there, and art glorifies her."
CMV.—A GOOD NEIGHBOR.The Duke of L.'s reply, when it was observed to him, that the gentlemen bordering on his estates were continually hunting upon them, and that he ought not to suffer it, is worthy of imitation: "I had much rather," said he, "have friends than hares."[Pg 198]
CMVI.—AN EQUIVOCATION.A diminutive attorney, named Else, once asked Jekyll: "Sir, I hear you have called me a pettifogging scoundrel. Have you done so, sir?"—"No, sir," said Jekyll, with a look of contempt. "I never said you were a pettifogger, or a scoundrel; but I did say you were little Else."
CMVII.—A WISE FOOL.A person wishing to test whether a daft individual, about whom a variety of opinions were entertained,—some people thinking him not so foolish as he seemed,—knew the value of money, held out a sixpence and a penny, and offered him his choice. "I'll tak' the wee ane," he says, giving as his modest reason, "I'se no' be greedy." At another time, a miller, laughing at him for his witlessness, he said, "Some things I ken, and some I dinna ken." On being asked what he knew, he said, "I ken a miller has aye a gey fat sou."—"An' what d'ye no ken?" said the miller. "Ou," he returned, "I dinna ken at wha's expense she's fed."
CMVIII.—ON A BALD HEAD.I first cut him, he now cuts me.
CMIX.—LIE FOR LIE.
Two gentlemen standing together, as a young lady passed by them, one said, "There goes the handsomest woman you ever saw." She turned back, and, seeing him very ugly, said, "I wish I could, in return, say as much of you."—"So you may, madam," said he, "and lie as I did."
CMX.—A MAN WITHOUT A RIVAL.General Lee one day found Dr. Cutting, the army surgeon, who was a handsome and dressy man, arranging his cravat complacently before a glass. "Cutting," said Lee, "you must be the happiest man in creation."—"Why, general?"—"Because," replied Lee, "you[Pg 199] are in love with yourself, and you have not a rival upon earth."
CMXI.—ADVICE TO A DRAMATIST.And like the half you've pilfered best;
But, sure, the Drama you might mend;
Take courage, man, and steal the rest!
CMXII.—GARRICK AND FOOTE.
"The Lying Valet" being one hot night annexed as an afterpiece to the comedy of "The Devil upon Two Sticks," Garrick, coming into the Green Room, with exultation called out to Foote, "Well, Sam, I see, after all, you are glad to take up with one of my farces."—"Why, yes, David," rejoined the wit; "what could I do better? I must have some ventilator for this hot weather."
CMXIII.—NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.When Lord Lauderdale intimated his intentions to repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him, "Pray, don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a joke in your mouth is no laughing matter!"
CMXIV.—QUITE AGROUND.It is said that poor H—— T—— has been living on his wits. He certainly must be content with very limited premises.
CMXV.—A JUDGE IN A FOG.One of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argument on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life-interest in the estate to himself."—"Very true, my lord," said Curran gravely; "but in this case I rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed."
CMXVI.—THE LETTER H.In a dispute, whether the letter H was really a letter or a simple aspiration, Rowland Hill contended that it was[Pg 200] the former; adding that, if it were not a letter, it must have been a very serious affair to him, by making him ill (Hill without H) all the days of his life.
CMXVII.—ONLY ENOUGH FOR ONE.Sheridan was once staying at the house of an elderly maiden lady in the country, who wanted more of his company than he was willing to give. Proposing one day to take a stroll with him, he excused himself on account of the badness of the weather. Shortly afterwards she met him sneaking out alone. "So, Mr. Sheridan," said she, "it has cleared up."—"Just a little, ma'am—enough for one, but not enough for two."
CMXVIII.—"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."Curran's ruling passion was his joke. In his last illness, his physician observing in the morning that he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered, "That is rather surprising, as I have been practising all night."
CMXIX.—EPIGRAM.(On the charge of illegally pawning brought against Captain B——, M.P.)
Has coolly pawned his landlord's property,
As the said landlord certainly alleges,
No more will Radicals and Whigs divide
Upon one point, which thus we may decide,
"Some members are too much disposed for pledges."
CMXX.—CUP AND SAUCER.
A gentleman, who was remarkable at once for Bacchanalian devotion and remarkably large and starting eyes, was one evening the subject of conversation. The question appeared to be, whether the gentleman in question wore upon his face any signs of his excesses. "I think so," said Jerrold; "I always know when he has been in his cups by the state of his saucers."[Pg 201]
CMXXI.—A NEW READING.Kemble playing Hamlet in the country, the gentleman who acted Guildenstern was, or imagined himself to be, a capital musician. Hamlet asks him, "Will you play upon this pipe?"—"My lord, I cannot."—"I pray you."—"Believe me, I cannot."—"I do beseech you."—"Well, if your lordship insists on it, I shall do as well as I can"; and to the confusion of Hamlet, and the great amusement of the audience, he
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