The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Several ex-members are announced as about to stand at the ensuing elections, and indeed it is probable many will have to do so after them, for there are very few who can reasonably expect to sit.—G. A'B.
CMXXIII.—STRANGE VESPERS.A man who had a brother, a priest, was asked, "Has your brother a living?"—"No."—"How does he employ himself?"—"He says mass in the morning."—"And in the evening?"—"In the evening he don't know what he says."
CMXXIV.—A TRANSFORMATION SCENE.Sir B—— R——, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favor of it, which he concluded by saying, "That it would change the barren hills into fruitful valleys."
CMXXV.—AN ACCEPTABLE DEPRIVATION.The Duke of C—mb—l—d has taken from this country a thing which not one person in it will grudge: of course we are understood at once to mean his departure.—G. A'B.
CMXXVI.—ACCURATE DESCRIPTION.A certain lawyer received a severe injury from something in the shape of a horsewhip. "Where were you hurt?" said a medical friend. "Was it near the vertebra?"—"No,[Pg 202] no," said the other; "it was near the racecourse."
CMXXVII.—SOLOMON'S TEMPLE.When Reginald Heber read his prize poem of "Palestine" to Sir Walter Scott, the latter observed that, in the verses on Solomon's Temple, one striking circumstance had escaped him; namely, that no tools were used in its erection. Reginald retired for a few minutes to the corner of the room, and returned with the beautiful lines:—
Like some tall palm, the mystic fabric sprung.
Majestic silence," &c.
CMXXVIII.—THE STAFFORDSHIRE COLLIERIES.
Many anecdotes might be collected to show the great difficulty of discovering a person in the collieries without being in possession of his nickname. The following was received from a respectable attorney. During his clerkship he was sent to serve some legal process on a man whose name and address were given to him with legacy accuracy. He traversed the village to which he had been directed from end to end without success; and after spending many hours in the search was about to abandon it in despair, when a young woman who had witnessed his labors kindly undertook to make inquiries for him, and began to hail her friends for that purpose. "Oi say, Bullyed, does thee know a man named Adam Green?" The bull-head was shaken in sign of ignorance. "Loy-a-bed, does thee?" Lie-a-bed's opportunities of making acquaintance had been rather limited, and she could not resolve the difficulty. Stumpy (a man with a wooden leg), Cowskin, Spindleshanks, Corkeye, Pigtail, and Yellowbelly were severally invoked, but in vain; and the querist fell into a brown study, in which she remained for some time. At length, however, her eyes suddenly brightened, and, slapping one of her companions on the shoulder, she exclaimed, triumphantly, "Dash my wig! whoy he means my feyther!" and then, turning to the gentleman, she added, "You should ha' ax'd for Ould Blackbird!"[Pg 203]
CMXXIX.—A POSER.Foote was once met by a friend in town with a young man who was flashing away very brilliantly, while Foote seemed grave: "Why, Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day; you don't seem to relish a joke!"—"You have not tried me yet, sir," said Foote.
CMXXX.—MINDING HIS CUE.Mr. Elliston was enacting the part of Richmond; and having, during the evening, disobeyed the injunction which the King of Denmark lays down to the Queen, "Gertrude, do not drink," he accosted Mr. Powell, who was personating Lord Stanley (for the safety of whose son Richmond is naturally anxious), thus, on his entry, after the issue of the battle:—
Elliston (as Richmond). Your son, George Stanley, is he dead?
Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!
Elliston (as Richmond). I mean—ah!—is he missing?
Powell (as Lord Stanley). He is, my Lord, and safe in Leicester town!!
And it is but justice to the memory of this punctilious veteran, to say that he would have made the same reply to any question which could, at that particular moment, have been put to him.
CMXXXI.—EPIGRAM.(On a little member's versatility.)
To rat, there is a reason strong,
He needs be everything by turns,
Who is by nature nothing long.
CMXXXII.—LATE AND EARLY.
The regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb. Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, "I have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to the[Pg 204] office."—"Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must remember that I go away early." The oddness of the excuse silenced the reprover.
CMXXXIII.—FAIR PLAY.Curran, who was a very small man, having a dispute with a brother counsel (who was a very stout man), in which words ran high on both sides, called him out. The other, however, objected. "You are so little," said he, "that I might fire at you a dozen times without hitting, whereas, the chance is that you may shoot me at the first fire."—"To convince you," cried Curran, "I don't wish to take any advantage, you shall chalk my size upon your body, and all hits out of the ring shall go for nothing."
CMXXXIV.—SOMETHING LACKING.Hook was walking one day with a friend, when the latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete inscription, running, "Warren's B——," was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context. "'Tis lacking that should follow," observed Hook, in explanation.
CMXXXV.—THE HONEST MAN'S LITANY.Who values herself on her family's blood:
Who seldom talks sense, but for ever is loud,
Libera me!
Where the parson would rule like a Jew or a Turk,
And keep a poor curate to do all his work,
Libera me!
But construes the law in its most rigid sense,
And still to bind over will find some pretence,
Libera me!
From waiting whole mornings to speak with my lord,
Who puts off his payments, and puts on his sword,
Libera me!
[Pg 205]
From Red-coats, who never a battle yet fought,
From Turn-coats, whose inside and outside are naught,
Libera me!
CMXXXVI.—THREE DEGREES OF COMPARISON.
A lady, proud of her rank and title, once compared the three classes of people, nobility, gentry, and commonalty, to china, delf, and crockery. A few minutes elapsed, when one of the company expressed a wish to see the lady's little girl, who, it was mentioned, was in the nursery. "John," said she to the footman, "tell the maid to bring the little dear." The footman, wishing to expose his mistress's ridiculous pride, cried, loud enough to be heard by every one,—"Crockery! bring down little China."
CMXXXVII.—MEN OF LETTERS.Transmitting, signed himself X.Q.
The editor his letter read,
And begged he might be X.Q.Z.
CMXXXVIII.—ELEGANT RETORT.
It is a common occurrence in the University of Cambridge for the undergraduates to express their approbation or disapprobation of the Vice-Chancellor, on the resignation of his office. Upon an occasion of this kind, a certain gentleman had enacted some regulations which had given great offence; and, when the senate had assembled in order that he might resign his office to another, a great hissing was raised in disapprobation of his conduct; upon which, bowing courteously, he made the following elegant retort:—
CMXXXIX.—SNUG LYING.
A visitor at Churchtown, North Meols, thought people must like to be buried in the churchyard there, because it was so healthy.[Pg 206]
CMXL.—A PROPER ANSWER.A knavish attorney asking a very worthy gentleman what was honesty, "What is that to you?" said he; "meddle with those things that concern you."
CMXLI.—GOOD HEARING.I'm very glad to hear it, too, cries Ned.
CMXLII.—AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
George Selwyn once affirmed, in company, that no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G——. Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where, after her signature, stood: "P.S. Who was right; you or I?"
CMXLIII.—HOAXING AN AUDIENCE.Cooke was announced one evening to play the Stranger at the Dublin Theatre. When he made his appearance, evident marks of agitation were visible in his countenance and gestures: this, by the generality of the audience, was called fine acting; but those who were acquainted with his failing, classed it very properly under the head of intoxication. When the applause had ceased, with difficulty he pronounced, "Yonder hut—yonder hut," pointing to the cottage; then beating his breast, and striking his forehead, he paced the stage in much apparent agitation of mind. Still this was taken as the chef-d'œuvre of fine acting, and was followed by loud plaudits, and "Bravo! bravo!" At length, having cast many a menacing look at the prompter, who repeatedly, though in vain, gave him the word, he came forward, and, with overacted feeling, thus addressed the audience: "You are a mercantile people—you know the value of money—a thousand pounds, my all, lent to serve a friend, is lost for ever. My son, too—pardon the feelings of a parent—my only son—as brave a youth as ever fought his country's battles, is slain—not many hours ago I received the intelligence; but he died in the defence of his King!" Here his feelings became[Pg 207] so powerful that they choked his utterance, and, with his handkerchief to his eyes, he staggered off the stage, amidst the applause of those who, not knowing the man, pitied his situation. Now, the fact is, Cooke never possessed £1,000 in his life, nor had he ever the honor of being a father; but, too much intoxicated to recollect his part, he invented this story, as the only way by which he could decently retire; and the sequel of the business was, that he was sent home in a chair, whilst another actor played the part.
CMXLIV.—THE SEASON-INGS."Come here, Johnny, and tell me what the four seasons are." Young Prodigy: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar."
CMXLV.—NOT AT HOME.A weaver, after enjoying his potations, pursued his way home through the churchyard, his vision and walking somewhat impaired. As he proceeded, he diverged from the path, and unexpectedly stumbled into a partially made grave. Stunned for a while, he lay in wonder at his descent, and after some time he got out, but he had not proceeded much further when a similar calamity befell him. At this second fall, he was heard, in a tone of wonder and surprise, to utter the following exclamation, referring to what he considered the untenanted graves, "Ay! ir ye a' up an' awa?"
CMXLVI.—LINCOLN'S-INN DINNERS.On the evening of the coronation-day of our gracious Queen, the Benchers of Lincoln's Inn gave the students a feed; when a certain profane wag, in giving out a verse of the National Anthem, which he was solicited to lead in a solo, took that opportunity of stating a grievance as to the modicum of port allowed, in manner and form following:—
Three half-pints 'mong four of us,
Heaven send no more of us,
God save the Queen!
which ridiculous perversion of the author's meaning was[Pg 208] received with a full chorus, amid tremendous shouts of laughter and applause.
CMXLVII.—WHY ARE WOMEN BEARDLESS?Forbade a beard on woman's chin to grow,
For how could she be shaved (whate'er the skill)
Whose tongue would never let her chin be still!
CMXLVIII.—COOL RETORT.
Henderson, the actor, was seldom known to be in a passion. When at Oxford, he was one day debating with a fellow-student, who, not keeping his temper, threw a glass of wine in the actor's face; when Henderson took out his handkerchief, wiped his face, and cooly said, "That, sir, was a digression: now for the argument."
CMXLIX.—LYING.Don't give your mind to lying. A lie may do very well for a time, but, like a bad shilling, it's found out at last.—D.J.
CML.—PERTINENT INQUIRY.A person addicted to lying, relating a story to another, which made
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