The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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That there are none in Heaven?"
[Pg 171]
She quick returns the jest,—
"Women there are, but I'm afraid
They cannot find a priest."
DCCLXXXI.—AN ARTISTIC TOUCH.
When Moore was getting his portrait painted by Newton, Sydney Smith, who accompanied the poet, said to the artist, "Couldn't you contrive to throw into his face somewhat of a stronger expression of hostility to the Church Establishment?"
DCCLXXXII.—VALUE OF APPLAUSE.Some one remarked to Mrs. Siddons that applause was necessary to actors, as it gave them confidence. "More," replied the actress; "it gives us breath."
DCCLXXXIII.—LITTLE TO GIVE.A stingy husband threw off the blame of the rudeness of his children in company, by saying that his wife always "Gives them their own way."—"Poor things!" was the prompt response, "it's all I have to give them."
DCCLXXXIV.—A GOOD SWIMMER.A foolish scholar having almost been drowned in his first attempt at swimming, vowed that he would never enter the water again until he was a complete master of the art.
[A similar story is told of a pedant by Hierocles.]
DCCLXXXV.—NO PRIDE.A denizen of the good city of St. Andrews, long desirous of being elected deacon of his craft, after many years of scheming and bowing, at last attained the acme of his ambition, and while the oaths of office were being administered to him, a number of waggish friends waited outside to "trot him out," but the sequel convinced them this was unnecessary. On emerging from the City Hall, with thumbs stuck in the armlets of his vest, with head erect, and solemn step, he approached his friends, lifting[Pg 172] up his voice and saying, "Now, billies, supposing I'm a deacon, mind, I can be spoken to at ony time."
DCCLXXXVI.—LORD CLONMEL.The late Lord Clonmel, who never thought of demanding more than a shilling for an affidavit, used to be well satisfied, provided it was a good one. In his time the Birmingham shillings were current, and he used the following extraordinary precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one: "You shall true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching this affidavit, so help you, &c. Is this a good shilling? Are the contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
DCCLXXXVII.—QUEER PARTNERS.Jerrold, at a party, noticed a doctor in solemn black waltzing with a young lady who was dressed in a silk of brilliant blue. "As I live! there's a blue pill dancing with a black draught!" said Jerrold.
DCCLXXXVIII.—CORRUPTLY INCORRUPTIBLE.Charles the Second once said to Sidney, "Look me out a man that can't be corrupted: I have sent three treasurers to the North, and they have all turned thieves."—"Well, sire, I will recommend Mivert."—"Mivert!" exclaimed the king, "why, Mivert is a thief already."—"Therefore he cannot be corrupted, your majesty," answered Sidney.
DCCLXXXIX.—EPIGRAM ON THE MARRIAGE OF A VERY THIN COUPLE.Are in wedlock united, one flesh they remain.
But had he been by, when, like Pharaoh's kine pairing,
Dr. Douglas, of Benet, espoused Miss Mainwaring,
St. Peter, no doubt, would have altered his tone,
And have said, "These two splinters shall now make one bone."
[Pg 173] DCCXC.—GOOD AUTHORITY.
Horne Tooke, during his contest for Westminster, was thus addressed by a partisan of his opponent, of not a very reputable character. "Well, Mr. Tooke, you will have all the blackguards with you to-day."—"I am delighted to hear it, sir, and from such good authority."
DCCXCI.—LUXURIOUS SMOKING."The most luxurious smoker I ever knew," says Mr. Paget, "was a young Transylvanian, who told me that his servant always inserted a lighted pipe into his mouth the first thing in the morning, and that he smoked it out before he awoke. 'It is so pleasant,' he observed, 'to have the proper taste restored to one's mouth before one is sensible even of its wants.'"
DCCXCII.—NO JUDGE.A certain Judge having somewhat hastily delivered judgment in a particular case, a King's Counsel observed, in a tone loud enough to reach the bench, "Good heavens! every judgment of this court is a mere toss-up." "But heads seldom win," observed a learned barrister, sitting behind him.
DCCXCIII.—RELATIONS OF MANKIND.By what curious links, and fantastical relations, are mankind connected together! At the distance of half the globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to decorate the throat of a London alderman's wife.—S.S.
DCCXCIV.—VERY TRUE.Serjeant Maynard, a famous lawyer in the days of the Stuarts, called law an "ars bablativa."
DCCXCV.—EPIGRAM.(Accounting for the apostacy of ministers.)
To Toryism, all must spurn;
[Pg 174] Yet in the fact there's nothing strange,
That Wigs should twist, or curl, or turn.
DCCXCVI.—DRINKING ALONE.
The author of the "Parson's Daughter," when surprised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours after dinner, is reported to have apologized, by saying, "When one is alone, the bottle does come round so often." On a similar occasion, Sir Hercules Langreish, on being asked, "Have you finished all that port (three bottles) without assistance?" answered, "No—not quite that—I had the assistance of a bottle of Madeira."
DCCXCVII.—A MUSICAL BLOW-UP.The Rev. Mr. B——, when residing at Canterbury some years ago, was reckoned a good violoncello-player. His sight being dim obliged him very often to snuff the candles, and in lieu of snuffers he generally employed his fingers in that office, thrusting the spoils into the sound-holes of his violoncello. A waggish friend of his popped a quantity of gunpowder into B——'s instrument. The tea equipage being removed, music became the order of the evening, and B—— dashed away at Vanhall's 47th. B—— came to a bar's rest, the candles were snuffed, and he thrust the ignited wick into the usual place—fit fragor, and bang went the fiddle to pieces.
DCCXCVIII.—READY-MADE WOOD PAVEMENT.When the Marylebone vestrymen were discussing the propriety of laying down wood pavement within their parish, and were raising difficulties on the subject, Jerrold, as he read the report of the discussion, said:—
"Difficulties in the way! Absurd. They have only to put their heads together, and there is the wood pavement."
This joke has been erroneously given to Sydney Smith.
DCCXCIX.—PROPER DISTINCTION.An undergraduate had unconsciously strayed into the garden of a certain D.D., then master of the college adjoining.[Pg 175] He had not been there many minutes, when Dr. —— entered himself, and, perceiving the student, in no very courteous manner desired the young gentleman to walk out; which the undergraduate not doing (in the opinion of the doctor) in sufficient haste, Domine demanded, rather peremptorily, "whether he knew who he was?" at the same time informing the intruder he was Dr. ——. "That," replied the undergraduate, "is impossible; for Dr. —— is a gentleman, and you are a blackguard!"
DCCC.—GRACEFUL EXCUSE.William IV. seemed in a momentary dilemma one day, when, at table with several officers, he ordered one of the waiters to "take away that marine there," pointing to an empty bottle. "Your majesty!" inquired a colonel of marines, "do you compare an empty bottle to a member of our branch of the service?"—"Yes," replied the monarch, as if a sudden thought had struck him; "I mean to say it has done its duty once, and is ready to do it again."
DCCCI.—SLACK PAYMENT.Examining a country squire who disputed a collier's bill, Curran asked, "Did he not give you the coals, friend?"—"He did, sir, but—"—"But what? On your oath, witness, wasn't your payment slack?"
DCCCII.—WAY OF USING BOOKS.Sterne used to say, "The most accomplished way of using books is to serve them as some people do lords, learn their titles and then brag of their acquaintance."
DCCCIII.—PATRICK HENRY.When Patrick Henry, who gave the first impulse to the ball of the American Revolution, introduced his celebrated resolution on the Stamp Act into the House of Burgesses of Virginia (May, 1765), he exclaimed, when descanting on the tyranny of the obnoxious Act, "Cæsar had his Brutus; Charles I. his Cromwell; and George[Pg 176] III...."—"Treason!" cried the speaker; "treason, treason!" echoed from every part of the house. It was one of those trying moments which are decisive of character. Henry faltered not for an instant; but rising to a loftier attitude, and fixing on the speaker an eye flashing with fire, continued, "may profit by their example. If this be treason, make the most of it."
DCCCIV.—ROGERS—POET AND SKIPPER.Rogers used to say that a man who attempts to read all the new publications must often do as the flea does—skip.
DCCCV.—OUR ENGLISH LOVE OF DINNERS."If an earthquake were to engulf England to-morrow," said Jerrold, "the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubbish, just to celebrate the event."
DCCCVI.—EPIGRAM.Twelve of his equals are implied;
Then W—— might attempt in vain,
This sacred privilege to obtain.
Since human nature ne'er on earth
Gave to twelve equal scoundrels birth.
DCCCVII.—REFORMATION.
Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the Bishop in a very serious humor, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?"—"A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the Bishop. "The reformation of myself, my lord," answered the son.
DCCCVIII.—THE JEST OF ANCESTRY.Lord Chesterfield placed among the portraits of his ancestors two old heads, inscribed Adam de Stanhope,[Pg 177] and Eve de Stanhope: the ridicule is admirable.
Old Peter Leneve, the herald, who thought ridicule consisted in not being of an old family, made this epitaph for young Craggs, whose father had been a footman: Here lies the last who died before the first of his family! Old Craggs was one day getting into a coach with Arthur Moore, who had worn a livery too, when he turned about, and said, "Why, Arthur, I am always going to get up behind; are not you?"
The Gordons trace their name no farther back than the days of Alexander the Great, from Gordonia, a city of Macedon, which, they say, once formed part of Alexander's dominions, and, from thence, no doubt, the clan must have come!
DCCCIX.—EQUAL TO NOTHING.On being informed that the judges in the Court of Common Pleas had little or nothing to do, Bushe remarked, "Well, well, they're equal to it!"
DCCCX.—FAMILIARITY.A waiter named Samuel Spring having occasion to write to his late Majesty, George IV., when Prince of Wales, commenced his letter as follows: "Sam, the waiter at the Cocoa-Tree, presents his compliments to the Prince of Wales," &c. His Royal Highness next day saw Sam, and after noticing the receiving of his note, and the freedom of the style, said, "Sam, this may be very well between you and me, but it will not do with the Norfolks and Arundels."
DCCCXI.—EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE.At Durham assize a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbor, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's ear. "I thank his lordship[Pg 178] kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no ill-convenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"
DCCCXII.—MAC READY TO CALL.In the time of Sir John Macpherson's Indian government, most of his staff consisted of Scotch gentlemen, whose names began with Mac. One of the aides-de-camp used to call the government-house Almack's, "For," said he, "if you stand in the middle of the court, and call Mac, you will have a head popped out of every window."
DCCCXIII.—EPIGRAM.(On the oiled and perfumed ringlets of a certain Lord.)
I ever perceived, heard reported, or read;
A man with abundance of scents in his hair,
Without the least atom of sense in his head.
DCCCXIV.—LOOK-A-HEAD.
A Tory member declared the extent of the Reform Bill positively made the hair of members on his side the house to stand on end. On the ensuing elections, they will find the Bill to have a still greater effect on the state of the poll.
G. A'B.
DCCCXV.—THE BIRTH OF A
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