The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Lord Clare, who was much opposed to Curran, one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the bench, and during Curran's speech turned himself aside and caressed the animal. Curran stopped. "Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said Lord Clare. "O, I beg a thousand pardons," was the rejoinder; "I really thought your lordship was employed in consultation."[Pg 232]
MLXVI.—A PRESSING REASON.A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer for money; the lawyer bid the boy tell his master that he was not running away, but very busy at that time. The boy comes again, and tells him he must have the money. "Did you tell your master," said the lawyer, "that I was not running away?"—"Yes, sir," answered the boy; "but he bade me tell you that he was."
MLXVII.—SMALL WIT.Sir George Beaumont once met Quin at a small dinner-party. There was a delicious pudding, which the master of the house, pushing the dish towards Quin, begged him to taste. A gentleman had just before helped himself to an immense piece of it. "Pray," said Quin, looking first at the gentleman's plate and then at the dish, "which is the pudding?"
MLXVIII.—EPIGRAM ON A STUDENT BEING PUT OUT OF COMMONS FOR MISSING CHAPEL.Oh could I do but either as I ought!
In both, alas! I err; my frailty such,—
I pray too little, and I fast too much.
MLXIX.—MAKING PROGRESS.
A student, being asked what progress he had made in the study of medicine, modestly replied: "I hope I shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I am now able to cure a child."
MLXX.—THE WOOLSACK.Colman and Banister dining one day with Lord Erskine, the ex-Chancellor, amongst other things, observed that he had then about three thousand head of sheep. "I perceive," interrupted Colman, "your lordship has still an eye to the woolsack."
MLXXI.—SIR THOMAS COULSON.Sir Thomas Coulson being present with a friend at[Pg 233] the burning of Drury Lane Theatre, and observing several engines hastening to the spot where the fire had been extinguished, remarked that they were "ingens cui lumen adeptum."
MLXXII.—THROW PHYSIC TO THE DOGS!When the celebrated Beau Nash was ill, Dr. Cheyne wrote a prescription for him. The next day the doctor, coming to see his patient, inquired if he had followed his prescription: "No, truly, doctor," said Nash; "if I had I should have broken my neck for I threw it out of a two-pair-of-stairs window."
MLXXIII.—MOTHERLY REMARK.Sir David Baird, with great gallantry and humanity, had a queer temper. When news came to England that he was one of those poor prisoners in India who were tied back to back to fetter them, his mother exclaimed, "Heaven pity the man that's tied to my Davy!"
MLXXIV.—TOO GOOD.A physician, much attached to his profession, during his attendance on a man of letters, observing that the patient was very punctual in taking all his medicines, exclaimed in the pride of his heart: "Ah! my dear sir, you deserve to be ill."
MLXXV.—A BALANCE."Pay me that six-and-eightpence you owe me, Mr. Malrooney," said a village attorney. "For what?"—"For the opinion you had of me."—"Faith, I never had any opinion of you in all my life."
MLXXVI.—MONEY'S WORTH.Whilst inspecting a farm in a pauperized district, an enterprising agriculturist could not help noticing the slow, drawling motions of one of the laborers there, and said, "My man, you do not sweat at that work."—"Why, no, master," was the reply, "seven shillings a week isn't sweating wages."[Pg 234]
MLXXVII.—ON MR. GULLY BEING RETURNED M.P. FOR PONTEFRACT.Its fame by returning to parliament Gully.
The etymological cause, I suppose, is
His breaking the bridges of so many noses.
MLXXVIII.—WRITING FOR THE STAGE.
People would be astonished if they were aware of the cart-loads of trash which are annually offered to the director of a London theatre. The very first manuscript (says George Colman) which was proposed to me for representation, on my undertaking theatrical management, was from a nautical gentleman, on a nautical subject; the piece was of a tragic description, and in five acts; during the principal scenes of which the hero of the drama declaimed from the main-mast of a man-of-war, without once descending from his position!
A tragedy was offered to Mr. Macready, or Mr. Webster, in thirty acts. The subject was the history of Poland, and the author proposed to have five acts played a night, so that the whole could be gone through in a week.
MLXXIX.—A COMPARISON."An attorney," says Sterne, "is the same thing to a barrister that an apothecary is to a physician, with this difference, that your lawyer does not deal in scruples."
MLXXX.—GAMBLING.I never by chance hear the rattling of dice that it doesn't sound to me like the funeral bell of a whole family.—D.J.
MLXXXI.—SWEEPS.We feel for climbing boys as much as anybody can do; but what is a climbing boy in a chimney to a full-grown suitor in the Master's office![Pg 235]
MLXXXII.—SELF-CONCEIT.For none are slaves in thy dominion;
Secure in thee, the mind's at ease,
The vain have only one to please.
MLXXXIII.—JAMES SMITH AND JUSTICE HOLROYD.
Formerly, it was customary, on emergencies, for the Judges to swear affidavits at their dwelling-houses. Smith was desired by his father to attend a Judge's chambers for that purpose; but being engaged to dine in Russell Square, at the next house to Mr. Justice Holroyd's, he thought he might as well save himself the disagreeable necessity of leaving the party at eight, by despatching his business at once, so, a few minutes before six, he boldly knocked at the Judge's and requested to speak to him on particular business. The Judge was at dinner, but came down without delay, swore the affidavit, and then gravely asked what was the pressing necessity that induced our friend to disturb him at that hour. As Smith told his story, he raked his invention for a lie, but finding none fit for the purpose, he blurted out the truth: "The fact is, my Lord, I am engaged to dine at the next house—and—and——"—"And, sir, you thought you might as well save your own dinner by spoiling mine?"—"Exactly so, my Lord; but——"—"Sir, I wish you a good evening." Though Smith brazened the matter out, he said he never was more frightened.
MLXXXIV.—A GOOD INVESTMENT.An English journal lately contained the following announcement: "To be sold, one hundred and thirty lawsuits, the property of an attorney retiring from business. N.B. The clients are rich and obstinate."
MLXXXV.—THE AGED YOUNG LADY.An old lady, being desirous to be thought younger than she was, said that she was but forty years old. A student who sat near observed, that it must be quite true, for he had heard her repeat the same for the last ten years.[Pg 236]
MLXXXVI—KEEPING TIME.A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, "How he should stir the fire without interrupting the music."—"Between the bars," replied the friend.
MLXXXVII.—ENTERING THE LISTS.The Duke of B——, who was to have been one of the knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"—"It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, "if your grace goes in your list shoes."
MLXXXVIII.—NOT IMPORTUNATE.Mrs. Robison (widow of the eminent professor of natural philosophy) having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared."—"Weel, weel," said Mrs. Robison, "if ye're dead I'll no' expect ye."
MLXXXIX.—WITTY COWARD.A French marquis having received several blows with a stick, which he never thought of resenting, a friend asked him, "How he could reconcile it with his honor to suffer them to pass without notice?"—"Pooh!" replied the marquis, "I never trouble my head with anything that passes behind my back."
MXC.—PRIORITY.An old Scotch domestic gave a capital reason to his young master for his being allowed to do as he liked: "Ye need na find faut wi' me, Maister Jeems, I hae been langer about the place than yersel'."
MXCI.—SHOULD NOT SILENCE GIVE CONSENT?A laird of Logan was at a meeting of the heritors of Cumnock, where a proposal was made to erect a new[Pg 237] churchyard wall. He met the proposition with the dry remark, "I never big dykes till the tenants complain."
MXCII.—CHARACTERISTICS.The late Dr. Brand was remarkable for his spirit of contradiction. One extremely cold morning, in the month of January, he was addressed by a friend with,—"It is a very cold morning, doctor."—"I don't know that," was the doctor's observation, though he was at the instant covered with snow. At another time he happened to dine with some gentlemen. The doctor engrossed the conversation almost entirely to himself, and interlarded his observations with Greek and Latin quotations, to the annoyance of the company. A gentleman of no slight erudition, seated next the doctor, remarked to him, "that he ought not to quote so much, as many of the party did not understand it."—"And you are one of them," observed the learned bear.
MXCIII.—AN ERROR CORRECTED.Jerrold was seriously disappointed with a certain book written by one of his friends. This friend heard that Jerrold had expressed his disappointment.
Friend (to Jerrold).—I hear you said —— was the worst book I ever wrote.
Jerrold.—No, I didn't. I said it was the worst book anybody ever wrote.
MXCIV.—A MYSTERY CLEARED UP.The fact you vainly in St. Stephen's sit.
But hold! Extremes will meet: the marvel's over;
His very dulness is the extreme of wit.
MXCV.—BRAHAM AND KENNEY.
The pride of some people differs from that of others. Mr. Bunn was passing through Jermyn Street, late one evening, and seeing Kenney at the corner of St. James's Church, swinging about in a nervous sort of manner, he inquired the cause of his being there at such an hour. He[Pg 238] replied, "I have been to the St. James's Theatre, and, do you know, I really thought Braham was a much prouder man than I find him to be." On asking why, he answered, "I was in the green-room, and hearing Braham say, as he entered, 'I am really proud of my pit to-night,' I went and counted it, and there were but seventeen people in it."
MXCVI.—HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.That shall not fall on me."
"Then tax receipts," Lord North replies,
"For those you never see."
MXCVII.—A BED OF—WHERE?
A Scotch country minister had been invited, with his wife, to dine and spend the night at the house of one of his lairds. Their host was very proud of one of the very large beds which had just come into fashion, and in the morning asked the lady how she had slept in it. "O very well, sir; but, indeed, I thought I'd lost the minister a' thegither."
MXCVIII.—ENVY.A drunken man was found in the suburbs of Dublin, lying on his face, by the roadside, apparently in a state of physical unconsciousness. "He is dead," said a countryman of his, who was looking at him. "Dead!" replied another, who had turned him with his face uppermost; "by the powers, I wish I had just half his disease!"—in other words, a moiety of the whiskey he had drunk.
MXCIX.—A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE."I keep an excellent table," said a lady, disputing with one of her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," says he, "but you put very little upon it."
MC.—MORE HONORED IN THE BREACH.A laird of Logan sold a horse to an Englishman, saying, "You buy him as you see him; but he's an honest[Pg 239] beast." The purchaser took him home. In a few days he stumbled and fell, to the damage of his own knees and his rider's head. On this the angry purchaser remonstrated with the laird, whose reply was, "Well, sir, I told you he was an honest beast; many a time has he threatened to come down with me, and I kenned he would keep his word some day."
MCI.—"YOU'LL GET THERE BEFORE I CAN TELL YOU."Mr. Neville, formerly
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