The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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The cleverer Milton 'tis clear we have got;
Though the other had talents the world to adorn,
This lives by his mews, which the other could not!
MCIII.—A LONG RESIDENCE.
The following complacent Scottish remark upon Bannockburn was made to a splenetic Englishman, who had said to a Scottish countryman that no man of taste would think of remaining any time in such a country as Scotland. To which the canny Scot replied, "Tastes differ; I'se tak' ye to a place no far frae Stirling, whaur thretty thousand o' yer countrymen ha' been for five hunder years, an' they've nae thocht o' leavin' yet."
MCIV.—SPARE THE ROD.A schoolboy being asked by the teacher how he should flog him, replied, "If you please, sir, I should like to have it upon the Italian system—the heavy strokes up-wards, and the down ones light."[Pg 240]
MCV.—POLITICAL SINECURE.Curran, after a debate which gave rise to high words, put his hand to his heart, and declared that he was the trusty guardian of his own honor. Upon which Sir Boyle Roche congratulated his honorable friend on the snug little sinecure he had discovered for himself.
MCVI.—EPIGRAM ON A PETIT-MAÎTRE PHYSICIAN.Studying alone not what, but how he writes,
The ladies, as his graceful form they scan,
Cry, with ill-omened rapture,—"Killing man!"
MCVII.—DAMPED ARDOR.
Jerrold and Laman Blanchard were strolling together about London, discussing passionately a plan for joining Byron in Greece, when a heavy shower of rain wetted them through. Jerrold, telling the story many years after, said, "That shower of rain washed all the Greece out of us."
MCVIII.—ELLISTON AND GEORGE IV.In 1824, when the question of erecting a monument to Shakespeare, in his native town, was agitated by Mr. Mathews and Mr. Bunn, the King (George IV.) took a lively interest in the matter, and, considering that the leading people of both the patent theatres should be consulted, directed Sir Charles Long, Sir George Beaumont, and Sir Francis Freeling to ascertain Mr. Elliston's sentiments on the subject. As soon as these distinguished individuals (who had come direct from, and were going direct back to, the Palace) had delivered themselves of their mission, Elliston replied, "Very well, gentlemen, leave the papers with me, and I will talk over the business with his Majesty."
MCIX.—TRUTH AND FICTION.A traveller relating his adventures, told the company that he and his servants had made fifty wild Arabs run; which startling them, he observed, that there was no great[Pg 241] matter in it,—"For," says he, "we ran, and they ran after us."
MCX.—A REASONABLE REFUSAL.At the time of expected invasion at the beginning of the century, some of the town magistrates called upon an old maiden lady of Montrose, and solicited her subscription to raise men for the service of the King. "Indeed," she answered right sturdily, "I'll do nae sic thing; I never could raise a man for mysel, and I'm no gaun to raise men for King George."
MCXI.—LORD NORTH'S DROLLERY.A vehement political declaimer, calling aloud for the head of Lord North, turned round and perceived his victim unconsciously indulging in a quiet slumber, and, becoming still more exasperated, denounced the Minister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his country; the latter only complained how cruel it was to be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed, that of having a night's rest before their fate. On Mr. Martin's proposal to have a starling placed near the chair, and taught to repeat the cry of "Infamous coalition!" Lord North coolly suggested, that, as long as the worthy member was preserved to them, it would be a needless waste of the public money, since the starling might well perform his office by deputy.
MCXII.—INCAPACITY.A young ecclesiastic asked his bishop permission to preach. "I would permit you," answered the prelate; "but nature will not."
MCXIII.—EPIGRAM.(Suggested by hearing a debate in the House of Commons.)
Is there a night that asses do not speak?
MCXIV.—VALUE OF NOTHING.
Porson one day sent his gyp with a note to a certain[Pg 242] Cantab, requesting him to find the value of nothing. Next day he met his friend walking, and stopping him, desired to know, "Whether he had succeeded?" His friend answered, "Yes!"—"And what may it be?" asked Porson. "Sixpence!" replied the Cantab, "which I gave the man for bringing the note."
MCXV.—THE RIGHT ORGAN.Spurzheim was lecturing on phrenology. "What is to be conceived the organ of drunkenness?" said the professor. "The barrel-organ," interrupted an auditor.
MCXVI.—MIND YOUR POINTS.A writer, in describing the last scene of "Othello," had this exquisite passage: "Upon which the Moor, seizing a bolster full of rage and jealousy, smothers her."
MCXVII.—REASONS FOR DRINKING.Dr. Aldrich, of convivial memory, said there were five reasons for drinking:—
Or lest you should be by and by,
Or any other reason why."
MCXVIII.—NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
An eminent Scottish divine met two of his own parishioners at the house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a practitioner. The lawyer ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon them as white sheep or as black sheep?"—"I don't know," answered the divine dryly, "whether they are black or white sheep; but I know, if they are long here, they are pretty sure to be fleeced."
MCXIX.—AN ODD OCCURRENCE.At a wedding the other day one of the guests, who often is a little absent-minded, observed gravely, "I have often remarked that there have been more women than men married this year."[Pg 243]
MCXX.—A DANGEROUS GENERALIZATION.A tutor bidding one of his pupils, whose name was Charles Howl, to make some English verses, and seeing he put teeth to rhyme with feet, told him he was wrong there, as that was no proper rhyme. Charles answered, "You have often told me that H was no letter, and therefore this is good rhyme." His tutor said, "Take heed, Charles, of that evasion, for that will make you an owl."
MCXXI.—NOSCE TE IPSUM.Sheridan was one day much annoyed by a fellow-member of the House of Commons, who kept crying out every few minutes, "Hear! hear!" During the debate he took occasion to describe a political contemporary that wished to play rogue, but had only sense enough to act fool. "Where," exclaimed he, with great emphasis—"where shall we find a more foolish knave or a more knavish fool than he?"—"Hear! hear!" was shouted by the troublesome member. Sheridan turned round, and, thanking him for the prompt information, sat down amid a general roar of laughter.
MCXXII.—VERA CANNIE.A young lady, pressed by friends to marry a decent, but poor man, on the plea, "Marry for love, and work for siller," replied, "It's a' vera true, but a kiss and a tinniefu[C] o' cauld water maks a gey wersh[D] breakfast."
[C] Tinnie, the small porringer of children.
[D] Insipid.
MCXXIII.—TIMELY AID.A lady was followed by a beggar, who very importunately asked her for alms. She refused him; when he quitted her, saying, with a profound sigh, "Yet the alms I asked you for would have prevented me executing my present resolution!" The lady was alarmed lest the man should commit some rash attempt on his own life. She called him back, and gave him a shilling, and asked him the meaning of what he had just said. "Madam," said the fellow, laying hold of the money, "I have been[Pg 244] begging all day in vain, and but for this shilling I should have been obliged to work!"
MCXXIV.—WHIST.Mrs. Bray relates the following of a Devonshire physician, happily named Vial, who was a desperate lover of whist. One evening in the midst of a deal, the doctor fell off his chair in a fit. Consternation seized on the company. Was he alive or dead? At length he showed signs of life, and, retaining the last fond idea which had possessed him at the moment he fell into the fit, exclaimed, "What is trumps?"
MCXXV.—HENRY ERSKINE.The late Hon. Henry Erskine met his acquaintance Jemmy Ba—four, a barrister, who dealt in hard words and circumlocutious sentences. Perceiving that his ankle was tied up with a silk handkerchief, the former asked the cause. "Why, my dear sir," answered the wordy lawyer, "I was taking a romantic ramble in my brother's grounds, when, coming to a gate, I had to climb over it, by which I came in contact with the first bar, and have grazed the epidermis on my skin, attended with a slight extravasation of blood."—"You may thank your lucky stars," replied Mr. Erskine, "that your brother's gate was not as lofty as your style, or you must have broken your neck."
MCXXVI.—THE ABBEY CHURCH AT BATH.Show how Bath waters serve to lay the dust.
MCXXVII.—TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE.
Two friends meeting after an absence of some years, during which time the one had increased considerably in bulk, and the other still resembled only the "effigy of a man,"—said the stout gentleman, "Why, Dick, you look as if you had not had a dinner since I saw you last."—"And you," replied the other, "look as if you had been at dinner ever since."[Pg 245]
MCXXVIII.—SHARP, IF NOT PLEASANT.An arch boy was feeding a magpie when a gentleman in the neighborhood, who had an impediment in his speech, coming up, said, "T-T-T-Tom, can your mag t-t-talk yet?"—"Ay, sir," says the boy, "better than you, or I'd wring his head off."
MCXXIX.—AN EAST INDIAN CHAPLAINCY.The best history of a serpent we ever remember to have read, was of one killed near one of our settlements in the East Indies; in whose body they found the chaplain of the garrison, all in black, the Rev. Mr. ——, and who, after having been missing for above a week, was discovered in this very inconvenient situation.
MCXXX.—CONSTANCY.Curran, hearing that a stingy and slovenly barrister had started for the Continent with a shirt and a guinea, observed, "He'll not change either till he comes back."
MCXXXI.—EPIGRAM.(On hearing a prosing harangue from a certain Bishop.)
So lengthily his subject to pursue,
That listeners (out of patience) often fear
He has indeed eternity in view.
MCXXXII.—SPEAKING OF SAUSAGES.
Mr. Smith passed a pork-shop the other day,—Mr. Smith whistled. The moment he did this, every sausage "wagged its tail." As a note to this, we would mention that the day before he lost a Newfoundland dog, that weighed sixty-eight pounds.
MCXXXIII.—BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.Rogers used to relate this story: An Englishman and a Frenchman fought a duel in a darkened room. The Englishman, unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously[Pg 246] fired up the chimney, and—brought down the Frenchman. "When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added the relator, "I make the Englishman go up the chimney."
MCXXXIV.—A PERFECT BORE.Some one being asked if a certain authoress, whom he had long known, was not "a little tiresome?"—"Not at all," said he, "she was perfectly tiresome."
MCXXXV.—TOO CIVIL BY HALF.An Irish judge had a habit of begging pardon on every occasion. At the close of the assize, as he was about to leave the bench, the officer of the Court reminded him that he had not passed sentence of death on one of the criminals, as he had intended. "Dear me!" said his lordship, "I really beg his pardon,—bring him in."
MCXXXVI.—"OUR LANDLADY."A landlady, who exhibited an inordinate love for the vulgar fluid gin, would order her servant to get the supplies after the following fashion: "Betty, go and get a quartern loaf, and half a quartern of gin." Off started Betty. She was speedily recalled: "Betty, make it half a quartern loaf, and a quartern of gin." But Betty had never fairly got across the threshold on the mission
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