The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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MXXIX.—EPIGRAM.(On Alderman Wood's being afraid to pledge himself even to the principles he has always professed.)
Who lets "I dare not, wait upon I Wood (I would)."
MXXX.—WILKES'S READY REPLY.
Luttrel and Wilkes were standing on the Brentford hustings, when Wilkes asked his adversary, privately, whether he thought there were more fools or rogues among the multitude of Wilkites spread out before them. "I'll tell them what you say, and put an end to you," said the Colonel. But, perceiving the threat gave Wilkes no alarm, he added, "Surely you don't mean to say you could stand here one hour after I did so?"—"Why (the answer was), you would not be alive one instant after."—"How so?"—"I should merely say it was a fabrication, and they would destroy you in the twinkling of an eye!"
MXXXI.—TOO GRATEFUL.After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out,[Pg 225] "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish,—wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
MXXXII.—THE POETS TO CERTAIN CRITICS.Your censure, friends, will raise us;
If you do wish to damn us quite,
Only begin to praise us!
MXXXIII.—ODD HOUSEKEEPING.
Mrs. Montgomery was the only—the motherless—daughter of the stern General Campbell, who early installed her into the duties of housekeeper, and it sometimes happened that, in setting down the articles purchased, and their prices, she put the "cart before the horse." Her gruff papa never lectured her verbally, but wrote his remarks on the margin of the paper, and returned it for correction. One such instance was as follows: "General Campbell thinks five-and-six-pence exceedingly dear for parsley." Henrietta instantly saw her mistake; but, instead of formally rectifying it, wrote against the next item,—"Miss Campbell thinks twopence-halfpenny excessively cheap for fowls"; and sent it back to her father.
MXXXIV.—TELLING ONE'S AGE.A lady, complaining how rapidly time stole away, said: "Alas! I am near thirty." A doctor, who was present, and knew her age, said: "Do not fret at it, madam; for you will get further from that frightful epoch every day."
MXXXV.—POT VALIANT.Provisions have a greater influence on the valor of troops than is generally supposed; and there is great truth in the remark of an English physician, who said, that with a six weeks' diet he could make a man a coward. A distinguished general was so convinced of this principle, that he said he always employed his troops before their dinner had digested.[Pg 226]
MXXXVI.—CAUSE AND EFFECT.Sir William Dawes, Archbishop of York, was very fond of a pun. His clergy dining with him, for the first time, after he had lost his lady, he told them he feared they did not find things in so good order as they used to be in the time of poor Mary; and, looking extremely sorrowful, added, with a deep sigh, "She was, indeed, Mare Pacificum." A curate, who pretty well knew what she had been, said, "Ay, my lord, but she was Mare Mortuum first."
MXXXVII.—A BAD PREACHER.A clergyman, meeting a particular friend, asked him why he never came to hear him preach. He answered, "I am afraid of disturbing your solitude."
MXXXVIII.—ON ROGERS THE POET, WHO WAS EGOTISTICAL.That friends, who hear him most, advise
The egotist to change his name
To "Argus," with his hundred I's!
MXXXIX.—A POSER.
In a Chancery suit one of the counsel, describing the boundaries of his client's land, said, in showing the plan of it, "We lie on this side, my lord." The opposite counsel then said, "And we lie on that side." The Chancellor, with a good-humored grin, observed, "If you lie on both sides, whom will you have me believe?"
MXL.—A QUIET DOSE.A mean fellow, thinking to get an opinion of his health gratis, asked a medical acquaintance what he should take for such a complaint? "I'll tell you," said the doctor, sarcastically; "You should take advice."
MXLI.—THE DANCING PRELATES.The early bishops used to join the dance,
[Pg 227] And winding, turning ——s shows us yet,
That Bishops still know how to pirouette.
MXLII.—AURICULAR CONFESSION.
A cunning juryman addressed the clerk of the court when administering the oath, saying, "Speak up; I cannot hear what you say."—"Stop; are you deaf?" asked Baron Alderson.—"Yes, of one ear."—"Then you may leave the box, for it is necessary that jurymen should hear both sides."
MXLIII.—A DRY FELLOW."Well, Will," said an Earl one day to Will Speir, seeing the latter finishing his dinner, "have you had a good dinner to-day?" (Will had been grumbling some time before.) "Ou, vera gude," answered Will; "but gin anybody asks if I got a dram after 't, what will I say?"
MAXILLA.—GOOD EVIDENCE."Did you ever see Mr. Murdock return oats?" inquired the counsel.
"Yes, your honor," was the reply.
"On what ground did he refuse them?" was next asked by the learned counsel.
"In the back-yard," said Teddy, amidst the laughter of the court.
AXLE.—EPITAPH UPON PETER STAGGS.Who loved his joke, his pipe, and mug of ale;
For twenty years he did the duties well,
Of ostler, boots, and waiter at the Bell.
But death stepped in, and ordered Peter Staggs
To feed the worms, and leave the farmers' nags.
The church clock struck one—alas! 'twas Peter's knell,
Who sighed, "I'm coming—that's the ostler's bell!"
MXLVI.—QUIN AND THE PARSON.
A well-beneficed old parson having a large company to dinner, entertained them with nothing else but the situation[Pg 228] and profits of his parochial livings, which he said he kept entirely to himself. Quin, being one of the party, and observing that the parson displayed a pair of very dirty yellow hands, immediately called out,—"So, so, doctor, I think you do keep your glebe in your own hands with a witness!"
MXLVII.—NATURAL ANTIPATHY.Foote having satirized the Scotch pretty severely, a gentleman asked, "Why he hated that nation so much."—"You are mistaken," said Foote, "I don't hate the Scotch, neither do I hate frogs, but I would have everything keep to its native element."
MXLVIII.—NOT NECESSARY."You flatter me," said a thin exquisite the other day to a young lady who was praising the beauties of his moustache. "For heaven's sake, ma'am," interposed an old skipper, "don't make that monkey any flatter than he is!"
MXLIX.—ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.Sterne, the author of the "Sentimental Journey," who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The husband," said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head."—"If you think so," replied Garrick, "I hope your house is insured."
ML.—CROMWELL.One being asked whom it was that he judged to be the chiefest actor in the murder of the king, he answered in this short enigma or riddle:—
Is the name of the man that murdered the king."
MLI.—BILL PAID IN FULL.
At Wimpole there was to be seen a portrait of Mr. Harley, the speaker, in his robes of office. The active[Pg 229] part he took to forward the bill to settle the crown on the house of Hanover induced him to have a scroll painted in his hand, bearing the title of that bill. Soon after George the First arrived in England, Harley was sent to the Tower, and this circumstance being told to Prior whilst he was viewing the portrait, he wrote on the white part of the scroll the date of the day on which Harley was committed to the Tower, and under it: "this bill paid in full."
MLII.—WOMEN.At no time of life should a man give up the thoughts of enjoying the society of women. "In youth," says Lord Bacon, "women are our mistresses, at a riper age our companions, in old age our nurses, and in all ages our friends."
A gentleman being asked what difference there was between a clock and a woman, instantly replied, "A clock serves to point out the hours, and a woman to make us forget them."
MLIII.—THE DEVIL'S OWN.At a review of the volunteers, when the half-drowned heroes were defiling by all the best ways, the Devil's Own walked straight through. This being reported to Lord B——, he remarked, "that the lawyers always went through thick and thin."
MLIV.—WHIST-PLAYING.Charles Lamb said once to a brother whist-player, who was a hand more clever than clean, and who had enough in him to afford the joke: "M., if dirt were trumps, what hands you would hold!"
MLV.—A CRUEL CASE.Pope the actor, well known for his devotion to the culinary art, received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an apology for the simplicity of the intended fare—a small turbot and a boiled edgebone of beef. "The very thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I will come with the greatest pleasure": and come he did, and[Pg 230] eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer; when the word was given, and a haunch of venison was brought in. Poor Pope, after a puny effort at trifling with a slice of fat, laid down his knife and fork, and gave way to a hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming, "A friend of twenty years' standing, and to be served in this manner!"
MLVI.—ON SHELLEY'S POEM, "PROMETHEUS UNBOUND."And 'tis like to remain so while time circles round;
For surely an age would be spent in the finding
A reader so weak as to pay for the binding.
MLVII.—WRITING TREASON.
Horne Tooke, on being asked by a foreigner of distinction how much treason an Englishman might venture to write without being hanged, replied, that "he could not inform him just yet, but that he was trying."
MLVIII.—A GRACEFUL ILLUSTRATION.The resemblance between the sandal tree, imparting (while it falls) its aromatic flavor to the edge of the axe, and the benevolent man rewarding evil with good, would be witty, did it not excite virtuous emotions.—S.S.
MLIX.—IMPROMPTU.On an apple being thrown at Mr. Cooke, whilst playing Sir Pertinax Mac Sycophant.
Because the character was drawn too true;
It can't be so, for all must know "right weel"
That a true Scot had only thrown the peel.
MLX.—IN THE BACKGROUND.
An Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree.[Pg 231]
MLXI.—IN WANT OF A HUSBAND.A young lady was told by a married lady, that she had better precipitate herself from off the rocks of the Passaic falls into the basin beneath than marry. The young lady replied, "I would, if I thought I should find a husband at the bottom."
MLXII.—THREE ENDS TO A ROPE.A lad applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth; the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a piece of rope, and said, "If you want to make a good sailor, you must make three ends to the rope."—"I can do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is another,—that makes two. Now, here's the third," and he threw it overboard.
MLXIII.—THE REASON WHY.Foote was once asked, why learned men are to be found in rich men's houses, and rich men never to be seen in those of the learned. "Why," said he, "the first know what they want, but the latter do not."
MLXIV.—PERSONALITIES OF GARRICK AND QUIN.When Quin and Garrick performed at the same theatre, and in the same play, one night, being very stormy, each ordered a chair. To the mortification of Quin, Garrick's chair came up first. "Let me get into the chair," cried the surly veteran, "let
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