The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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One night, Sheridan was found in the street by a watchman, bereft of that "divine particle of air" called reason, and fuddled, and bewildered, and almost insensible.[Pg 269] The watchman asked, "Who are you, sir?" No answer. "What's your name?" A hiccup. "What's your name?" Answer, in a slow, deliberate, and impassive tone, "Wilberforce!" Byron notes: "Is not that Sherry all over?—and, to my mind, excellent. Poor fellow! his very dregs are better than the first sprightly runnings of others."
MCCXXXVII.—THE WORST OF TWO EVILS.Villiers, Duke of Buckingham, in King Charles II.'s time, was saying one day to Sir Robert Viner, in a melancholy humor: "I am afraid, Sir Robert, I shall die a beggar at last, which is the most terrible thing in the world."—"Upon my word, my lord," said Sir Robert, "there is another thing more terrible which you have to apprehend, and that is that you will live a beggar, at the rate you go on."
MCCXXXVIII.—QUID PRO QUO.A worthy Roman Catholic clergyman, well known as "Priest Matheson," and universally respected in the district, had charge of a mission in Aberdeenshire, and for a long time made his journeys on a piebald pony, the priest and his "Pyet Shelty" sharing an affectionate recognition wherever they came. On one occasion, however, he made his appearance on a steed of a different description, and passing near a Seceding meeting-house, he forgathered with the minister, who, after the usual kindly greetings, missing the familiar pony, said, "Ou, priest! fat's come o' the auld Pyet?"—"He's deid, minister."—"Weel, he was an auld faithfu' servant, and ye wad nae doot gie him the offices o' the Church?"—"Na, minister," said his friend, not quite liking this allusion to his priestly offices, "I didna dee that, for ye see he turned Seceder afore he deed, an' I buried him like a beast." He then rode quietly away.
MCCXXXIX.—CREDIT.Among the witty aphorisms upon this unsafe topic, are Lord Alvanley's description of a man who "muddled away his fortune in paying his tradesmen's bills"; Lord Orford's[Pg 270] definition of timber, "an excrescence on the face of the earth, placed there by Providence for the payment of debts"; and Pelham's argument, that it is respectable to be arrested, because it shows that the party once had credit.
MCCXL.—SEEING NOT BELIEVING.A lady's-maid told her mistress that she once swallowed several pins together. "Dear me!" said the lady, "didn't they kill you?"
MCCXLI.—SPIRIT OF A GAMBLER.A bon-vivant, brought to his death-bed by an immoderate use of wine, after having been told that he could not in all human probability survive many hours, and would die by eight o clock next morning, exerted the small remains of his strength to call the doctor back, and said, with the true spirit of a gambler, "doctor, I'll bet you a bottle I live till nine!"
MCCXLII.—BURKE'S TEDIOUSNESS.Though upon great occasions Burke was one of the most eloquent of men that ever sat in the British senate, he had in ordinary matters as much as any man the faculty of tiring his auditors. During the latter years of his life the failing gained so much upon him, that he more than once dispersed the house, a circumstance which procured him the nickname of the Dinner-bell. A gentleman was one day going into the House, when he was surprised to meet a great number of people coming out in a body. "Is the House up?" said he: "No," answered one of the fugitives, "but Mr. Burke is up."
MCCXLIII.—VERY LIKE EACH OTHER.It appears that there were two persons of the name of Dr. John Thomas, not easily to be distinguished; for somebody (says Bishop Newton) was speaking of Dr. Thomas, when it was asked, "which Dr. Thomas do you mean?"—"Dr. John Thomas."—"They are both named John."—"Dr. Thomas who has a living in the city."—"They have both livings in the city."—"Dr.[Pg 271] Thomas who is chaplain to the king."—"They are both chaplains to the king."—"Dr. Thomas who is a very good preacher."—"They are both good preachers."—"Dr. Thomas who squints."—"They both squint." They were afterwards both Bishops.
MCCXLIV.—FORTUNATE STARS."What homage we nobles command in the world!"
"True, my lord," said a wag, "though the world has its jars,
Some people owe much to their fortunate stars!"
MCCXLV.—A NEW READING.
Towards the close of the administration of Sir Robert Walpole, he was talking very freely to some of his friends of the vanity and vexations of office, and, alluding to his intended retirement, quoted from Horace the following passage:—
Tempus abire tibi est."
"Pray, Sir Robert," said one of his friends, "is that good Latin?"—"I think so," answered Sir. Robert; "what objection have you to it?"—"Why," said the other dryly, "I did not know but the word might be bribe-isti in your Horace."
MCCXLVI.—QUITE AT EASE.Foote, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club-House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Lord Carmarthen approached to speak to him; but feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr. Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your pocket." Foote, looking suspiciously round, and hurriedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket, replied, "Thank you, my lord: you know the company better than I do."
MCCXLVII.—CHARLES, DUKE OF NORFOLK.In cleanliness, the Duke was negligent to so great a degree,[Pg 272] that he rarely made use of water for purposes of bodily refreshment and comfort. Nor did he change his linen more frequently than he washed himself. Complaining, one day, to Dudley North, that he was a martyr to rheumatism, and had ineffectually tried every remedy for its relief, "Pray, my lord," said he, "did you ever try a clean shirt?"
MCCXLVIII.—CLEARING EMIGRANTS.An Irish gentleman, resident in Canada, was desirous to persuade his sons to work as backwoodsmen, instead of drinking champagne at something more than a dollar a bottle. Whenever this old gentleman saw his sons so engaged he used to exclaim, "Ah, my boys! there goes an acre of land, trees and all."
MCCXLIX.—PARLIAMENTARY CASE.Bishop Andrews, who was master and a great benefactor of Pembroke Hall, was one day at court with Waller the poet, and others. While King James was at dinner, attended by Andrews, Bishop of Winchester, and Neale, Bishop of Durham, his Majesty said to the prelates: "My lords, cannot I take my subjects' money when I want it, without all this formality in Parliament?" Bishop Neale quickly replied, "God forbid, sir, but you should: you are the breath of our nostrils." On which the king said to the Bishop of Winchester, "Well, my lord, and what say you?"—"Sir," replied Andrews, "I have no skill to judge of Parliamentary cases."—"Come, come," answered his Majesty, "no put-offs, my lord; answer me presently."—"Then, sir," said Andrews, "I think it lawful for you to take my brother Neale's money, for he offers it."
MCCL.—OUTLINE OF AN AMBASSADOR.When the Duke de Choiseul, who was a remarkably meagre-looking man, came to London to negotiate a peace, Charles Townsend, being asked whether the French government had sent the preliminaries of a treaty, answered, "he did not know, but they had sent the outline of an ambassador."[Pg 273]
MCCLI.—NATURE AND ART.A worthy English agriculturist visited the great dinner-table of the Astor House Hotel, in New York, and took up the bill of fare. His eye caught up the names of its—to him—unknown dishes: "Soupe à la flamande"—"Soupe à la Creci"—"Langue de Bœuf piquée"—"Pieds de Cochon à la Ste. Ménéhould"—"Patés de sanglier"—"Patés à la gelée de volailles"—"Les cannelons de crème glacée." It was too much for his simple heart. Laying down the scarlet-bound volume in disgust, he cried to the waiter, "Here, my good man, I shall go back to first principles! Give us some beans and bacon!"
MCCLII.—A COMPARISON.It is with narrow-souled people as with narrow-necked bottles,—the less they have in them, the more noise they make in pouring it out.
MCCLIII.—THE SNUFF-BOX.At a party in Portman Square, Brummell's snuff-box was particularly admired: it was handed round, and a gentleman, finding it rather difficult to open, incautiously applied a dessert-knife to the lid. Poor Brummell was on thorns; at last he could not contain himself any longer, and, addressing the host, said, with his characteristic quaintness, "Will you be good enough to tell your friend that my snuff-box is not an oyster."
MCCLIV.—NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.Lord Plunket is said to have acutely felt his forced resignation of the Irish Chancellorship, and his supersedeas by Lord Campbell. A violent tempest arose on the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the passage must have made the new comer; "Yes," replied the ex-chancellor, ruefully, "but it won't make him throw up the seals."
MCCLV.—A SEASONABLE JOKE.Admiral Duncan's address to the officers who came on board his ship for instructions previous to the engagement[Pg 274] with Admiral de Winter, was both laconic and humorous: "Gentlemen, you see a severe winter approaching; I have only to advise you to keep up a good fire."
MCCLVI.—GETTING A LIVING.The late Duke of Grafton, when hunting, was thrown into a ditch; at the same time a young curate, calling out "Lie still, your Grace"; leaped over him, and pursued his sport. On being assisted to remount by his attendants, the duke said, "That young man shall have the first good living that falls to my disposal; had he stopped to have taken care of me, I never would have patronized him," being delighted with an ardor similar to his own, or with a spirit that would not stoop to flatter.
MCCLVII.—GOOD EYES.A man of wit being asked what pleasure he could have in the company of a pretty woman who was a loquacious simpleton, replied, "I love to see her talk."
MCCLVIII.—INDIFFERENCE TO LIFE.A soldier, who was being led to the gallows, saw a crowd of people running on before. "Don't be in such a hurry," said he to them. "I can assure you nothing will be done without me."
MCCLIX.—A LAST RESOURCE.Villiers, Duke of Buckingham, was making his complaint to Sir John Cutler, a rich miser, of the disorder of his affairs, and asked him what he should do to avoid the ruin. "Live as I do, my lord," said Sir John. "That I can do," answered the duke, "when I am ruined."
MCCLX.—A DULL MAN.Lord Byron knew a dull man who lived on a bon mot of Moore's for a week; and his lordship once offered a wager of a considerable sum that the reciter was guiltless of understanding its point; but he could get no one to accept the bet.[Pg 275]
MCCLXI.—WHITE TEETH.Professor Saunderson, who occupied so distinguished a situation in the University of Cambridge as that of Lucasian Professor of Mathematics, was quite blind. Happening to make one in a large party, he remarked of a lady, who had just left the room, that she had very white teeth. The company were anxious to learn how he had discovered this, which was very true. "I have reason," observed the professor, "to believe that the lady is not a fool, and I can think of no other motive for her laughing incessantly, as she did for a whole hour together."
MCCLXII.—A PLEASANT PARTNER.A farmer having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbor who neglected to make use of it, plentifully stored his own part with corn, and expostulated with his partner on having laid out his money in so useless a way, adding, "You had better do something with it, as you see I have done."—"As to that, neighbor," replied the other, "every man has a right to do what he will with his own, and you have done so; but I have made up my mind about my part of the property,—I shall set it on fire."
MCCLXIII.—TWO CARRIAGES.Two ladies disputed for precedency, one the daughter of a wealthy brewer, the other the daughter of a gentleman of small fortune. "You are to consider, miss," said the brewer's daughter, "that my papa keeps a coach."—"Very true, miss," said the other, "and you are to consider that he likewise keeps a dray."
MCCLXIV.—EXCUSABLE FEAR.A husband, who only opposed his wife's ill humor by silence, was told by a friend that he "was afraid of his wife."—"It is not she I am afraid of," replied the husband, "it is the noise."
MCCLXV.—COLERIDGE AND THELWALL.Thelwall and Coleridge were
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