The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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His purple garments came from Tyre,
His arguments go to it.
MDLXXXVII.—A SMALL JOKE.
Mr. Dale, who it would appear was a short stout man, had a person in his employment named Matthew, who was permitted that familiarity with his master which was so characteristic of the former generation. One winter day, Mr. Dale came into the counting-house, and complained that he had fallen on the ice. Matthew, who saw that his master was not much hurt, grinned a sarcastic smile. "I fell all my length," said Mr. Dale. "Nae great length, sir," said Matthew. "Indeed, Matthew, ye need not laugh," said Mr. Dale, "I have hurt the sma' of my back."—"I wunner whaur that is," said Matthew.
MDLXXXVIII.—A VAIN THREAT."Mr. Brown, I owe you a grudge, remember that!"—"I shall not be frightened then, for I never knew you to pay anything that you owe."
MDLXXXIX.—POOR LAW."Pray, my lord," asked a fashionable lady of Lord[Pg 344] Kenyon, "what do you think my son had better do in order to succeed in the law?"—"Let him spend all his money: marry a rich wife, and spend all hers: and when he has not got a shilling in the world, let him attack the law." Such was the advice of an old Chief Justice.
MDXC.—CAUSE AND EFFECT.It is too true that there are many patriots, who, while they bleat about the "cause of liberty," act in so interested a manner that they are evidently looking more after the effects.
MDXCI.—A FAIR DISTRIBUTION.When the British ships under Lord Nelson were bearing down to attack the combined fleet off Trafalgar, the first lieutenant of the "Revenge," on going round to see that all hands were at quarters, observed one of the men,—an Irishman,—devoutly kneeling at the side of his gun. So very unusual an attitude exciting his surprise and curiosity he asked the man if he was afraid. "Afraid," answered the tar, "no, your honor; I was only praying that the enemy's shot may be distributed in the same proportion as the prize-money,—the greatest part among the officers."
MDXCII.—SOMETHING SHARP.When we heard —— say a thing of some acidity the other night in the House of Commons, the honorable member reminded us of a calf's head with a lemon in it.—G. A'B.
MDXCIII.—AN AFFECTIONATE HINT.A namesake of Charles Fox having been hung at Tyburn, the latter inquired of George Selwyn whether he had attended the execution? "No," was his reply, "I make a point of never attending rehearsals!"
MDXCIV.—A SIMILE.Do some resemblance show;
Because the longer time they run,
The shallower they grow!
[Pg 345] MDXCV.—A WIDE DIFFERENCE.
Rowland Hill rode a great deal, and exercise preserved him in vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physician has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass!"
MDXCVI.—ASPIRING POVERTY.A Roman Catholic prelate requested Pugin, the architect, to furnish designs, etc., for a new church. It was to be "very large, very handsome, and very cheap"; the parties purposing to erect being "very poor; in fact, having only £——."—"Say thirty shillings more," replied the astonished architect, "and have a tower and spire at once!"
MDXCVII.—A TENDER SUGGESTION.A beggar in Dublin had been long besieging an old, gouty, testy gentleman, who roughly refused to relieve him. The mendicant civilly replied, "I wish your honor's heart was as tender as your toes."
MDXCVIII.—SUDDEN FREEDOM.A nation grown free in a single day is a child born with the limbs and the vigor of a man, who would take a drawn sword for his rattle, and set the house in a blaze, that he might chuckle over the splendor.—S.S.
MDXCIX.—EPIGRAM.Only in this, that you both painted be.
MDC.—ANSWERING HER ACCORDING TO HER FOLLY.
A lady having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow?" he replied, "O, ma'am, because such very fat people used to go through" (a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that "the person who does not relish it can have no perception of real wit").[Pg 346]
MDCI.—THE SUN IN HIS EYE.Lord Plunkett had a son in the Church at the time the Tithe Corporation Act was passed, and warmly supported the measure. Some one observed, "I wonder how it is that so sensible a man as Plunkett cannot see the imperfections in the Tithe Corporation Act!"—"Pooh! pooh!" said Norbury, "the reason's plain enough; he has the sun (son) in his eye."
MDCII.—A BRIGHT REJOINDER.An Englishman paying an Irish shoeblack with rudeness, the "dirty urchin" said, "My honey, all the polish you have is upon your boots and I gave you that."
MDCIII.—WELL TURNED.On the formation of the Grenville administration, Bushe, who had the reputation of a waverer, apologized one day for his absence from court, on the ground that he was cabinet-making. The chancellor maliciously disclosed the excuse on his return. "O, indeed, my lord, that is an occupation in which my friend would distance me, as I was never a turner or a joiner."
MDCIV.—A QUICK LIE.A conceited coxcomb, with a very patronizing air, called out to an Irish laborer, "Here, you bogtrotter, come and tell me the greatest lie you can, and I'll treat you to a jug of whiskey-punch."—"By my word," said Pat, "an' yer honor's a gintleman!"
MDCV.—A MERRY THOUGHT.Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.
MDCVI.—AN IMPUDENT WIT.
Hook one day walking in the Strand with a friend, had his attention directed to a very pompous gentleman, who[Pg 347] strutted along as if the street were his own. Instantly leaving his companion, Hook went up to the stranger and said, "I beg your pardon sir, but pray may I ask,—are you anybody in particular?" Before the astonished magnifico could collect himself so as to reply practically or otherwise to the query, Hook had passed on.
MDCVII.—WEARING AWAY.A schoolmaster said of himself: "I am like a hone, I sharpen a number of blades, but I wear myself in doing it."
MDCVIII.—A PERTINENT QUESTION.Judge Jeffreys, of notorious memory (pointing with his cane to a man who was about to be tried), said, "There is a great rogue at the end of my cane." The man pointed at, inquired, "At which end, my lord?"
MDCIX.—A BASE JOKE.A gentleman one day observed to Henry Erskine, that punning was the lowest of wit. "It is," answered Erskine, "and therefore the foundation of all wit."
MDCX.—A WIDE-AWAKE MINISTER.Lord North's good humor and readiness were of admirable service to him when the invectives of his opponents would have discomforted a graver minister. He frequently indulged in a real or seeming slumber. On one occasion, an opposition debater, supposing him to be napping, exclaimed, "Even now, in these perils, the noble lord is asleep!"—"I wish I was," suddenly interposed the weary minister.
MDCXI.—ON CARDINAL WOLSEY.How high his honor holds his haughty head!
MDCXII.—NOT FINDING HIMSELF.
"How do you find yourself to-day," said an old friend to Jack Reeve, as he met him going in dinner costume to[Pg 348] the city. "Thank you," he replied, "the Lord Mayor finds me to-day."
MDCXIII.—A WITTY PROPOSITION.Sheridan, being on a parliamentary committee, one day entered the room as all the members were seated and ready to commence business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed, and looking round the table with a droll expression of countenance, said: "Will any gentleman move that I may take the chair?"
MDCXIV.—A WARM MAN.A man with a scolding wife, being asked what his occupation was, replied that he kept a hot-house.
MDCXV.—LONG AGO.A lady, who was very submissive and modest before marriage, was observed by a friend to use her tongue pretty freely after. "There was a time," he remarked, "when I almost imagined she had no tongue."—"Yes," said the husband, with a sigh, "but it's very very long since!"
MDCXVI.—AN UNLIKELY RESULT.When Sir Thomas More was brought a prisoner to the Tower, the lieutenant, who had formerly received many favors from him, offered him "suche poore cheere" as he had; to which the ex-chancellor replied, "Assure yourself, master lieutenant, I do not mislike my cheer; but whensoever so I do, then thrust me out of your doors."
MDCXVII.—POLITICAL LOGIC.Together one affirmative, let's take
P——t's and L——t's, each a rogue per se,
Who by this rule an honest pair will be.
MDCXVIII.—A WISE DECISION.
A gentleman going to take water at Whitehall stairs,[Pg 349] cried out, as he came near the place, "Who can swim?"—"I, master," said forty bawling mouths; when the gentleman observing one slinking away, called after him; but the fellow turning about, said, "Sir, I cannot swim,"—"Then you are my man," said the gentleman, "for you will at least take care of me for your own sake."
MDCXIX.—A POINT NEEDING TO BE SETTLED.A Scottish minister being one day engaged in visiting some members of his flock, came to the door of a house where his gentle tapping could not be heard for the noise of contention within. After waiting a little he opened the door and walked in, saying, with an authoritative voice, "I should like to know who is the head of this house?"—"Weel, sir," said the husband and father, "if ye sit doon a wee, we'll maybe be able to tell ye, for we're just trying to settle that point."
MDCXX.—A POOR LAUGH.Curran was just rising to cross-examine a witness before a judge who was familiar with the dry-as-dust black-letter law books, but could never comprehend a jest, when the witness began to laugh before the learned counsel had asked him a question. "What are you laughing at, friend," said Curran, "what are you laughing at? Let me tell you that a laugh without a joke is like—is like—"—"Like what, Mr. Curran," asked the judge, imagining he was at fault. "Just exactly, my lord, like a contingent remainder without any particular estate to support it."
MDCXXI.—AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.On the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese, New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of him, said: "Good by, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will not disagree with the man who eats you!"
MDCXXII.—MATRIMONY.The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
[Pg 350] "Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are one, you know;
And when alone I'm weary!"
MDCXXIII.—DRY, BUT NOT THIRSTY.
Curran, conversing with Sir Thomas Turton, happened to remark that he could never speak in public for a quarter of an hour without moistening his lips; to which Sir Thomas replied that, in that respect, he had the advantage of him: "I spoke," said he, "the other night in the House of Commons for five hours, on the Nabob of Oude, and never felt in the least thirsty."—"It is very remarkable indeed" rejoined Curran, "for every one agrees that was the driest speech of the session."
MDCXXIV.—SHAKESPEARIAN GROG.As for the brandy, "nothing extenuate,"—and the water, "put naught in, in malice."
MDCXXV.—A JURY CASE.Curran, speaking of his loss of business in the Court of Chancery caused by Lord Clare's hostility to him, and of the consequent necessity of resuming nisi prius business, said: "I had been under full sail to fortune; but the tempest came, and nearly wrecked me, and ever since I have been only bearing up under jury-masts."
MDCXXVI.—SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR.Lord Alvanley, after his duel with young O'Connell, gave a guinea to the hackney-coachman who had driven him to and from the scene of the encounter. The man, surprised at the largeness of the sum, said, "My Lord, I only took you to—" Alvanley interrupted him with, "My friend, the guinea is for bringing me back, not for taking me out."
MDCXXVII.—"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH."A dying miser sent for his solicitor, and said, "Now begin, and I will dictate particulars."—"I give and I bequeath,"[Pg 351] commenced the man of law. "No, no," interrupted the testator; "I do nothing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything: I cannot do it."—"Well, then," suggested the attorney, after some consideration,
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