The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

When Julia was asked, if to church she would go,
The fair one replied to me, "No, Richard, no."
At her meaning I ventured a pretty good guess,
For from grammar I learned No and No stood for Yes.
MDCCVI.—THE RULING PASSION.

A lady's beauty is dear to her at all times. A very lovely woman, worn out with a long and painful sickness, begged her attendants to desist rubbing her temples with Hungary water, as it would make her hair gray!

MDCCVII.—INDIFFERENCE TO DEATH.

A prisoner, who had received notice that he was to die the next morning, was asked by some of his unfortunate companions to share their repast with them. He answered, "I never eat anything that I expect will not digest."

MDCCVIII.—SELF-INTEREST.

Those who wish to tax anything containing intelligence, must be actuated by selfish views, seeing that it is an imposition of which they are not likely to feel the burden.

MDCCIX.—ALL THE DIFFERENCE.

A Glasgow professor met a poor student passing along one of the courts, and remarked to him that his gown was very short. "It will be long enough before I get another," answered the student. The reply tickled the professor's fancy so much that he continued in a state of suppressed laughter after passing on. Meeting a brother professor, who asked him what was amusing him so much, he told the story with a slightly varied reading. "I asked that fellow why he had so short a gown, and he answered, it will be a long time before I get another."—"Well, there's nothing very funny in that."—"Neither there is," said[Pg 368] the professor, "I don't understand how it amused me so much. It must have been something in the way he said it."

MDCCX.—FOOTE'S LAST JOKE.

When Foote was on his way to France, for change of air, he went into the kitchen at the inn at Dover, to order a particular dish for dinner. The true English cook boasted that she had never set foot out of her country. On this, the invalid gravely observed, "Why, cookey, that's very extraordinary, as they tell me up stairs that you have been several times all over grease!"—"They may tell you what they please above or below stairs," replied the cook, "but I was never ten miles from Dover in my life!"—"Nay, now, that must be a fib," says Foote, "for I have myself seen you at Spithead!" The next day (October 21, 1777) the exhausted wit "shuffled off this mortal coil."

MDCCXI.—L'Envoy.

There is so much genuine humor in the following jocular dinner code, that we cannot do better than close our little volume with it.

DINNER CODE.

Of the Amphitryon.—His Rights.

Art. 1.—The Amphitryon is the king of the table: his empire lasts as long as the meal, and ends with it.

Art. 2.—It is lawful for his glass to exceed in capacity those of his guests.

Art. 3.—He may be lively with his male guests, and gallant towards the females; to such of them as are pretty he may risk a compliment or two, which is sure to be received from him with an approving smile.

His Duties.

Art. 1.—Fulfilling to the utmost the laws of hospitality, he watches with paternal solicitude over the welfare of the stomachs committed to his care; reassures the timid, encourages the modest, and incites the vigorous appetite.[Pg 369]

Art. 2.—He must abstain from praising either his dishes or his wines.

Art. 3.—He is not to take advantage of his situation to utter stale jests or vulgar puns. A careful perusal of "The Jest Book" will be his best security against a violation of this article.

Art. 4.—The police of the table belongs of right to him; he should never permit a plate or a glass to be either full or empty.

Art. 5.—On rising from table, he should cast a scrutinizing glance over the glasses. If he sees them not quite emptied, let him take warning by it to choose either his guests or his wine better for the future.

Of the Guests.

Art. 1.—The first duty of a guest is to arrive at the time named, at whatever inconvenience to himself.

Art. 2.—When the Amphitryon offers any dish to a guest, his only civil way of declining it is by requesting to be helped a second time to that of which he has just partaken.

Art. 3.—A guest who is a man of the world will never begin a conversation until the first course is over; up to that point, dinner is a serious affair, from which the attention of the party ought not to be inconsiderately distracted.

Art. 4.—Whatever conversation is going on ought to be suspended, even in the middle of a sentence, upon the entrance of a dinde aux truffes.

Art. 5.—An applauding laugh is indispensable to every joke of the Amphitryon.

Art. 6.—A guest is culpable who speaks ill of his entertainer during the first three hours after dinner. Gratitude should last at least as long as digestion.

Art. 7.—To leave anything on your plate is to insult your host in the person of his cook.

Art. 8.—A guest who leaves the table deserves the fate of a soldier who deserts.[Pg 370]

On Vicinity to Ladies.

Art. 1.—He who sits next to a lady becomes at once her cavaliere servente. He is bound to watch over her glass with as much interest as over his own.

Art. 2.—The gentleman owes aid and protection to his fair neighbor in the selection of food; the lady on her part is bound to respect and obey the recommendations of her knight on this subject.

Art. 3.—It is bad taste for the gentleman to advance beyond politeness during the first course; in the second, however, he is bound to be complimentary; and he is at liberty to glide into tenderness with the dessert.

On Vicinity to Men.

Art. 1.—When two gentlemen sit together, they owe no duties to each other beyond politeness and reciprocal offers of wine and water,—the last offer becomes an error after one refusal.

Art. 2.—On being helped to a dish, you should at once accept any precedence offered you by your neighbor; ceremony serves only to cool the plate in question for both parties.

Art. 3.—If you sit near the Amphitryon, your criticisms on the repast must be conveyed in a whisper; aloud you can do nothing but approve.

Art. 4.—Under no pretext can two neighbors at table be permitted to converse together on their private affairs, unless, indeed, one of them is inviting the other to dinner.

Art. 5.—Two neighbors who understand each other may always get more wine than the rest of the guests; they have only to say by turns to each other, with an air of courtesy, "Shall we take some wine?"

On Vicinity to Children.

Single Article.—The only course to be pursued, if you have the misfortune to be placed next a child at table, is[Pg 371] to make him tipsy as quick as you can, that he may be sent out of the room by Mamma.

On the Means of reconciling Politeness with Egotism.

Art. 1.—The epicure's serious attention should be fixed upon the articles on the table; he may lavish his politeness, his wit, and his gayety upon the people who sit round it.

Art. 2.—By helping the dish next yourself (should you not dine à la Russe) you acquire a right to be helped to any other dish on the table.

Art. 3.—A carver must be very unskilful who cannot, by a little sleight-of-hand, smuggle aside the best morsel of a dish, and thus, when serving himself last, serve himself also the best.

Art. 4.—Your host's offers are sometimes insincere when they refer to some magnificent dish yet uncut. In such cases you should refuse feebly for yourself, but accept on behalf of the lady next you,—merely out of politeness to her.

Art. 5.—The thigh of all birds, boiled, is preferable to the wing: never lose sight of this in helping ignoramuses or ladies.[Pg 373]

[Pg 372]

INDEX. A. I, 33 Abbey Church at Bath, The, 244 Bed of—Where?, 238 Abernethy, Mr., 77 Above Proof, 297 Absent Man, An, 116 Absurdly Logical, 319 Acceptable Deprivation, An, 201 Accommodating, 213 Accommodating Physician, An, 180 Accommodating Principles, 153 Accurate Description, 201 Acres and Wiseacres, 355 Act of Justice, An, 147 Actor, 222 Advantageous Tithe, An, 255 Advertisement, Extraordinary, 88 Advice Gratis, 160 Advice to a Dramatist, 199 Advice to the Young, 138 Affectation, 98 Affectionate Hint, An, 344 Aged Young Lady, The, 235 Agreeable and not Complimentary, 71 Agreeable Practice, An, 248 Agricultural Experiences, 184 Alere Flamman, 252 A-Liquid, 140 Allegorical Representation, 310 All the Difference, 5, 367 All the Same, 314 Almanac-makers, 159 Alone in his Glory, 14 Always the Better, 336 Amende Honorable, The, 310 American Penance, 217 Ample Apology, An, 356 Anecdote, An, 86 Anglo-French Alliance, The, 50 Angry Ocean, The, 81 Answered at Once, 288 Answering her According to her Folly, 345 Anticipated Calamity, An, 349 Anticipation, 110 Any Change for the Better, 220 Any Port in a Storm, 57 Apish Resemblance, An, 322 Apt Reproof, An, 307 Arcadia, 24 Arcadian, An, 128 Architectural Pun, An, 61 Argument, An, 125 Artificial Heat, 28 Artistic Touch, An, 171 As Black as he could be painted, 337 Aspiring Poverty, 345 Assurance and Insurance, 228 As You Like It, 87 At his Fingers' Ends, 106 Attending to a Wish, 169 Attic Jest, An 69 Attired to Tire, 343 Audley, The Late Lord, 130 Auricular Confession, 227 Awkward Orthography, 298 "Aye! There's the Rub", 93 Back-handed Hit, A, 209 Bacon, 138 Bad Bargain, A, 131 Bad Company, 166 Bad Crop, A, 18, 58 Bad Customer, A, 96 Bad End, A, 153 Bad Example, A, 1 Bad Habit, 136[Pg 374] Bad Harvest, A, 23 Bad Judge, A, 287 Bad Label, A, 92 Bad Lot, A, 182 Bad Medium, A, 217 Bad Pen, A, 72 Bad Preacher, A, 226 Bad Shot, A, 12 Bad Sport, 146 Balance, A, 233 Balancing Accounts, 66 Banker's Check, A, 17 Barber Shaved by a Lawyer, 305 Bark and Bite, 231 Barry's Powers of Pleasing, 34 Base Joke, A, 347 Base One, A, 97 Bearable Pun, A, 358 Bear and Van, 16 Bearding a Barber, 2 Benefit of Competition, 212 Best Judge, The, 110 Best Wine, The, 300 Better Known than Trusted, 193 Betting, 155 Bewick, the Engraver, 194 Bill Paid in Full, 228 Billy Brown and the Counsellor, 50 Birth of a Prince, The, 178 Bishop and Churchwarden, A, 71 Bishop and his Portmanteau, The, 55 Bit of Moonshine, A, 335 Black and White, 19 Black Joke, A, 159 Black Letter, 101 Black Oils, 18 Blowing a Nose, 55 Book Case, A, 70 Boswell's