The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, chef de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty. "Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "plain cooks will not do here." MDCLXV.—A CONVENIENT THEORY.

At charity meetings, one Mould always volunteered to go round with the hat, but was suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech: "Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper, and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I gives is nothing to nobody."

MDCLXVI.—BUT ONE GOOD TRANSLATION.

Dryden's translation of Virgil being commended by a right reverend bishop, Lord Chesterfield said, "The original is indeed excellent; but everything suffers by a translation,—except a bishop!"[Pg 359]

MDCLXVII.—PHILIP, EARL OF STANHOPE.

Philip, Earl of Stanhope, whose dress always corresponded with the simplicity of his manners, was once prevented from going into the House of Peers, by a doorkeeper who was unacquainted with his person. Lord Stanhope was resolved to get into the House without explaining who he was; and the doorkeeper, equally determined on his part, said to him, "Honest man, you have no business here. Honest man you can have no business in this place."—"I believe," rejoined his lordship, "you are right; honest men can have no business here."

MDCLXVIII.—RIGID IMPARTIALITY.

Sydney Smith, calling one day upon a fellow contributor to the Edinburgh Review, found him reading a book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expostulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book before reviewing it; it prejudices one so."

MDCLXIX.—WHITBREAD'S ENTIRE.

On the approach of the election at Westminster, when Earl Percy was returned, Mr. Denis O'Brien, the agent of Mr. Sheridan, said, that "there were thousands in Westminster who would sooner vote for the Duke of Northumberland's porter, than give their support to a man of talent and probity, like Mr. Sheridan." Mr. Whitbread, alarmed for the interests of Mr. S. by the intemperate language of his agent, wished him to take some public notice of it in the way of censure; but Sheridan only observed, "that to be sure his friend O'Brien was wrong and intemperate, as far as related to the Duke of Northumberland's porter; though he had no doubt there were thousands in Westminster who would give the preference to Mr. Whitbread's entire."

MDCLXX.—A FOOL AND HIS MONEY.

A young spendthrift being apprised that he had given a shilling when sixpence would have been enough, remarked that "He knew no difference between a shilling[Pg 360] and sixpence."—"But you will, young gentleman," an old economist replied, "when you come to be worth eighteen-pence."

MDCLXXI.—A GRIM JOKE.

Daniel Defoe said there was only this difference between the fates of Charles the First and his son James the Second,—that the former's was a wet martyrdom, and the other's a dry one.

MDCLXXII.—INSURANCE ASSURANCE.

The collector in a country church, where a brief was read for a sufferer from fire, flattered himself that he had been unusually successful in the collection, as he fancied he saw an agent to one of the fire-offices put a note into the box. On examining the contents, however, he found that the note had not issued from any bank, but merely bore these admonitory words, "Let them insure, as they wish to be saved."

MDCLXXIII.—GENUINE LAZINESS.

A young farmer, inspecting his father's concerns in the time of hay-harvest, found a body of the mowers asleep, when they should have been at work. "What is this?" cried the youth; "why, me, you are so indolent, that I would give a crown to know which is the most lazy of you."—"I am he," cried the one nearest to him, still stretching himself at his ease. "Here then" said the youth, holding out the money. "O, Master George," said the fellow, folding his arms, "do pray take the trouble of putting it into my pocket for me."

MDCLXXIV.—CUTTING.

A country editor thinks that Richelieu, who declared that "The pen was mightier than the sword," ought to have spoken a good word for the "scissors." Jerrold called scissors "an editor's steel-pen."

MDCLXXV.—GONE OUT.

A person calling one day on a gentleman at the west[Pg 361] end of the town, where his visits were more frequent than welcome, was told by the servant that her master had gone out. "O, well, never mind, I'll speak to your mistress."—"She's also gone out, sir." The gentleman, not willing to be denied admission, said, as it was a cold day, he would step in, and sit down by the fire a few minutes. "Ah! sir, but it is gone out too," replied the girl.

MDCLXXVI.—A GOOD JUDGE.

"Honesty is the best policy," said a Scotchman. "I know it, my friend, for I have tried baith."

MDCLXXVII.—MR. CHARLES YORKE.

When Mr. Charles Yorke was returned a member for the University of Cambridge, about the year 1770, he went round the Senate to thank those who had voted for him. Among the number was a Mr. P., who was proverbial for having the largest and most hideous face that ever was seen. Mr. Yorke, in thanking him, said, "Sir, I have great reason to be thankful to my friends in general, but confess myself under a particular obligation to you for the very remarkable countenance you have shown me upon this occasion."

MDCLXXVIII.—THE SALIC LAW

Is a most sensible and valuable law, banishing gallantry and chivalry from Cabinets, and preventing the amiable antics of grave statesmen.

MDCLXXIX.—CHARLES JAMES FOX.

After Byron's engagement in the West Indies, there was a great clamor about the badness of the ammunition. Soon after this, Mr. Fox had a duel with Mr. Adam. On receiving that gentleman's ball, and finding that it had made but little impression, he exclaimed, "Egad, Adam, it had been all over with me, if you had not charged with government powder!"

MDCLXXX.—PREFERMENT.

Among the daly inquirers after the health of an aged[Pg 362] Bishop of D——m, during his indisposition, no one was more sedulously punctual than the Bishop of E——r; and the invalid seemed to think that other motives than those of anxious kindness might contribute to this solicitude. One morning he ordered the messenger to be shown into his room, and thus addressed him: "Be so good as present my compliments to my Lord Bishop, and tell him that I am better, much better; but that the Bishop of W——r has got a sore throat, arising from a bad cold, if that will do."

MDCLXXXI.—COMPLIMENTARY.

A gentleman dining at an hotel, was annoyed by a stupid waiter continually coming hovering round the table, and desired him to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Napkin, drawing himself up, "but I'm responsible for the silver."

MDCLXXXII.—DR. DONNE.

Dr. Donne, the Dean of St. Paul's, having married a lady of a rich and noble family without the consent of the parents, was treated with great asperity. Having been told by the father that he was to expect no money from him, the doctor went home and wrote the following note to him: "John Donne, Anne Donne, undone." This quibble had the desired effect, and the distressed couple were restored to favor.

MDCLXXXIII.—VULGARITY.

Sir Walter Scott once happening to hear his daughter Anne say of something, that it was vulgar, gave the young lady the following temperate rebuke: "My love, you speak like a very young lady; do you know, after all, the meaning of this word vulgar? 'Tis only common; nothing that is common, except wickedness, can deserve to be spoken of in a tone of contempt; and when you have lived to my years, you will be disposed to agree with me in thanking God that nothing really worth having or caring about in this world is uncommon."

MDCLXXXIV.—AN EXPENSIVE JOB.

A gentleman passing a country church while under[Pg 363] repair, observed to one of the workmen, that he thought it would be an expensive job. "Why, yes," replied he; "but in my opinion we shall accomplish what our reverend divine has endeavored to do, for the last thirty years, in vain."—"What is that?" said the gentleman. "Why, bring all the parish to repentance."

MDCLXXXV.—PROSINESS.

A prosy old gentleman meeting Jerrold, related a long, limp account of a stupid practical joke, concluding with the information that "he really thought he should have died with laughter."—"I wish to heaven you had," was Jerrold's reply.

MDCLXXXVI.—A PLEASANT MESSAGE.

Mr. Bartleman, a celebrated bass-singer, was taken ill, just before the commencement of the musical festival at Gloucester: another basso was applied to, at a short notice, who attended, and acquitted himself to the satisfaction of everybody. When he called on the organist to be paid, the latter thanked him most cordially for the noble manner in which he had sung; and concluded with the following very complimentary and pleasant message: "When you see poor Bartleman, give my best regards to him; and tell him how much we missed him during the festival!"

MDCLXXXVII.—EXISTENCE OF MATTER.

As Berkeley, the celebrated author of the Immaterial Theory, was one morning musing in the cloisters of Dublin College, an acquaintance came up to him, and, seeing him rapt in contemplation, hit him a smart rap on the shoulder with his cane. The dean starting, called out, "What's the matter?" His acquaintance, looking him steadily in the face, replied, "No matter, Berkeley."

MDCLXXXVIII.—A SAUCY ANSWER.

A Barrister attempting to browbeat a female witness, told her she had brass enough to make a saucepan. The woman retorted, "and you have sauce enough to fill it."[Pg 364]

MDCLXXXIX.—QUAINT EPITAPH.

Dr. Fuller having requested one of his companions to make an epitaph for him, received the following: