How to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You by Leil Lowndes (knowledgeable books to read TXT) 📗

partners have the same basic assumptions of what a relationshipshouldbe. If the two start out with different basic assumptions, the exercises can backfire.

I have a friend, Linda, who feels a relationship is the most holy and deep commitment two human beings can make. Her parents, still happily married, are interdependent. They live only for each other and for their children. If Linda's father steps out of the house to go to the grocery store, he makes sure the entire family knows where he is going and when he will be back.

Several years ago, Linda met her fiancé, George, at a ski resort. George was different from many of the men she had met. He was self-assured and independent. He had even put himself through law school and was now a junior partner in an excellent firm. George was rightfully very proud that he had made it on his own. He had never asked anyone for anything— or answered to anyone.

Linda fell in love with George very quickly. They seemed ideal for each other. They enjoyed the same activities. They were both excellent skiers. They felt basically the same way about the important things in life. They both wanted children.

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They had the same beliefs about God. They agreed on how they should spend money, on where to go for vacations, and on many other issues. They wisely discussed these and other concerns before getting engaged. However, they neglected one issue, which turned out to be their undoing. George, who came from a broken family, defined an ideal relationship very differently from Linda.

Two months before their wedding, I received a tearful call from my friend. They had broken up. I was baffled. "What happened, Linda?" I asked.

"Well," she sobbed, "George works very hard at his job and only wants to be with me on weekends." She had convinced George they should see each other more often, and he had complied. Then, on their midweek dates, he would go into long periods of silence.

"And another thing," she moaned. "George never phoned me when he was on the road." She had convinced him to call her on his frequent business trips, but he had always made it seem like an effort.

Fearing their relationship was in trouble, Linda told George how she felt. He protested, "No, no, everything is fine." He loved her and was looking forward to their wedding. Still fearing George was drifting away, she suggested they go to a relationship counselor. "Awhat ?" George shouted. ''No way!''

Linda was shocked. He had never before raised his voice with her. She decided on do-it-yourself help.

She bought some mail-order audiocassettes on making relationships work. She listened to the tapes, which promised to help relationships by encouraging people to get in touch with their inner child. She told George how wonderful the tapes were, and she suggested he listen to them with her.

"What?" he growled. "I'm going to take time from my work, come over to your place, light a candle, sit cross-legged on the floor, and listen to some inner brat tell me what I'm doing wrong in a relationship that I think—no, that Ithought — was just fine? No, thank you! Linda, you've really gone off the deep end."

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The following week, George suggested they put off the wedding. I found this very sad because Linda and George had so much else in common. They could have been very happy together if only they'd felt the same way about what a relationship should be. If George had the same basic assumptions about marriage as Linda had, listening to the tapes and doing "love exercises" together could indeed have brought them closer. Conversely, if Linda had similar feelings about a relationship as George had, she could have pulled away a bit and given George more space.

Generally men are less comfortable exploring relationship issues than women are, so, Huntresses, you should proceed more cautiously. Your Quarry may be gun-shy about openly discussing your relationship. If you are dealing with a man like George, asking him outright what he feels a relationship should be could put him off.

Here is a safer technique to extract the information you need. Make it nonthreatening for him to open up and tell you what he expects from a relationship by removing it from the realm of the personal.

TECHNIQUE #30

(MORE APPROPRIATE FOR HUNTRESSES):

WHAT SHOULD I SAY LOVE IS?

Huntresses, you must find out what tacit assumptions your Quarry has about relationships.

To make your question nonthreatening, tell him one of your young friends or relatives (perhaps a niece or nephew) has asked you what an ideal love relationship should be. Since you don't know how to answer, you are asking his advice: "What do you think I should say the ideal relationship is, hmm?"

Then listen. Listenhard.

Huntresses, thank him for his counsel. Then chisel what he says into your psyche.

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One word concerning timing: Don't ask about the status of your relationship too early. Wait until the two of you have reached some degree of intimacy, lest your Quarry suspect why you are asking. After your Quarry has developed affectionate feelings for yo u, he or she will probably appreciate the intent of your question.

That doesn't mean you should wait beforethinking about this crucial type of similarity. It's never too soon to raise your antennae to pick up what he or she wants from a relationship. Listen between the lines whenever your Quarry is talking about previous lovers, parents, friends, or any relationships.

Finally comes a very big challenge. As the relationship progresses, you must do everything you can to make your Quarry feel you love him or her—

not in the way you want to love, but in precisely the way your Quarry wants to be loved.

You will find more guidance on this important subtlety, including some of the right words to use, in the final two sections ofHow to Make Anyone Fall in Love with You .

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"I Got Just What You Need, Baby"

I remember once, as a very little girl, asking my mother