How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #1) - DeYtH Banger (latest ebook reader .txt) š
- Author: DeYtH Banger
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judge your partner?
In this moment, just look. What do I judge thatās not good enough about them? Do I judge that they donāt spend enough time with me? Do I judge that they donāt tell me they love me enough? That they donāt appreciate me enough. Right? So look at what you judge them to do. And then notice that when you have that judgment; thatās when loneliness comes. So, if you can see that then you can stop blaming them for your loneliness. It has nothing to do with whether they appreciate you enough, or how much they appreciate you. It only has to deal with whether you think about them appreciating you enough or not enough.
If you can see that, then you can come back to this moment. Oh, Iām not missing anything. Itās just these thoughts that are creating loneliness. Nothing else, itās nothing to do with them. And when you stop judging them, youāre left with love for them. When you donāt believe youāre judgments about someone, whatās left is love. Love is simply what remains when you donāt have judgments about others. So when you donāt judge your partner to be not good enough, youāll feel love for them. And we canāt be lonely and feel love. We tend to think that somebody loving us will get rid of our loneliness, but it canāt. No matter what somebody else does that doesnāt get rid of our loneliness.
Š”ŠæŠ¾Š“ŠµŠ»ŠµŠ½Š¾ Š¾Š±ŃŠµŃŃŠ²ŠµŠ½Š¾ŠŠ¾Š±Š°Š²ŠµŃŠµ ŠŗŠ¾Š¼ŠµŠ½ŃŠ°Ń...Š½ŃŠ¼Š° +1Š½ŃŠ¼Š° ŃŠæŠ¾Š“ŠµŠ»ŃŠ½ŠøŃVonder Gongī¢ī7 Ń
In order to alleviate stress, you have to understand what causes stress
Hello, my name is Noah Elkrief, and in this video Iām going to talk about what causes stress. The reason I want to talk about what causes stress is because many people that come to me for help with their stress seem to have a lot of misinformation about what causes stress. When we donāt truly understand whatās causing our stress, it becomes very difficult to address the stress. We end up spending a lot of time and energy trying to change things that arenāt really causing our stress.
ļæ¼
What people think causes stress
The two things that people most often tell me are causing their stress are specific circumstances/situations and uncertainty. In other words, most people think that uncertainty and stressful situations cause stress. So, in this blog post, Iām going to help you discover for yourself that thoughts create stress and nothing else. That neither uncertainty nor āstressful situationsā cause stress, as if there was such a thing. On top of, that Iām going to show you the exact thoughts that create this stress. But, nothing you read here is meant to be believed or trusted, because that wonāt provide much value for you. Rather, everything is meant to be directly discovered for yourself.
Why situations donāt cause stress
First, letās look at a so called stressful situation, and examine whether it is actually the situation that causes stress. If you go to work at your job, and while you are there, you feel stressed, it seems almost obvious that the situation at your job is causing your stress. When youāre at work you feel stressed, and when youāre not you donāt. It seems so obvious. But, letās look at the situation a bit more closely.
If some people can experience no stress in the same situation, the situation canāt cause stress
Certain situations seem to create stress. However, in order to claim that a specific circumstance creates a specific experience, it must always create that same experience, for every person, every time. For example, a flame creates heat. When anyone comes into contact with a flame, they will experience heat every time, for as long as they are near the flame.
The first question to ask yourself in order to discover that a situation itself doesnāt cause your stress is, āCould somebody else be happy in this situation? Is somebody else that I know happy in this situation?ā Itās almost always easy to see that āyes, there are some people who are happy in this situation.ā Or āYes, it is possible for people to be happy in this situation.ā
If other people are happy in this situation, if other people are not stressed in this situation, then the situation itself canāt be creating the stress. If the situation itself created the stress then everybody in this situation would have to experience stress. But if thatās not the case, then the situation canāt be creating the stress.
ļæ¼
If you have moments in the situation with no stress, the situation canāt cause stress
Another way to see that the situation doesnāt create your stress is to just ask, āAm I stressed in every moment that Iām in this situation?ā If we think that our work situation is creating the stress, we would ask āAm I stressed in every moment at work?ā No, probably not. In some moments you enjoy it. In some moments you are stressed.
For example, you might not be stressed at work when youāre just talking with co-workers you enjoy, if youāre talking to a client that is enjoying what youāre saying, or you are just care-free in a given moment. If you can recognize that in some moments while you are at work, you donāt experience stress, then you can recognize that the situation itself canāt be whatās creating your stress. If the situation was causing your stress, then you would be stressed in every moment that you were in that situation.
ļæ¼
If you can lose your stress by distracting yourself from thoughts, the situation canāt cause stress
If having a specific job was the cause of your stress, then as long as you had that job, you would be stressed. But, if you are stressed in a given moment, then someone sends you a link to funny youtube video, what happens to your stress? It completely vanishes for the moments that you are watching the funny video. Why does your stress disappear when you watch the funny video? Simply because the video is distracting you from the thoughts that were creating your stress.
If all it takes to stop feeling stress is to simply distract yourself from thoughts, then itās clear that the thoughts must be creating your stress and not a particular situation. Can you see that? If all it takes to lose your stress is to think about something else, to put your attention on something you enjoy then clearly it has to be your thoughts thatās creating your stress.
ļæ¼
Why uncertainty doesnāt cause stress
We tend to think that uncertainty creates stress. In other words, most people believe that when you are in a situation where you donāt what the outcome/future will be, that creates stress. But letās dispel that myth for a second here. If somebody said to you, āIāll either give you a thousand dollars tomorrow or nothingā, how would you feel? You might be stressed about whether you get the thousand dollars or not, right? And it seems as though the uncertainty creates the stress.
But now imagine someone said to you, āIāll give you a thousand dollars tomorrow, but it might be all twenties, might be all singles, might be all fives.ā Are you going to feel stressed about it? No. Thereās uncertainty in the situation once again, but you wouldnāt feel stressed. So why not? The reason why you wouldnāt have stress is because thereās no outcome we think would be bad. Thereās many different possible outcomes. But since all of them are judged to be equal by our minds, thereās nothing to be stressed about.
What causes stress is believing that one outcome would be worse than another outcome
Imagine that youāre going into a job interview where there are two possible jobs you can get. They already said to you, āYouāve already got the job. We just donāt know if youāre going to go into this division or that division. This is the interview to help us pick.ā If you really like one division and you really donāt like the other division, are you going to be stressed about the job interview? Of course. Because one outcome is labeled ābetterā and other outcome is labeled āworseā.
But, what about if you liked both divisions equally, and you donāt know which one would be better for you. Are you going to feel stressed about the job interview? No. Why not? Because both options are seen to be equal. Thereās uncertainty there, but since both options are viewed to be equal, and neither is viewed to be worse, thereās no stress.
Uncertainty itself does not create stress. The only thing that creates stress is believing a thought that says āa bad outcome is possibleā. Broadly speaking, there are two ways that this shows up. The first way is deciding what outcome āwould be bestā, and then inherently considering every other outcome to be āworseā. For example, in a job interview example, we would think āit would be best for me to get the jobā, and every other outcome is bad.
The other time when we experience stress is when we decide that a specific outcome would be bad. For example: āIt would be bad if I donāt get the job offerā. āIt would be bad if I donāt get this done in timeā. āIt would be bad if they break up with meā. āIt would be bad if I get hurtā. When we think about an outcome that we think would be bad, we are creating stress. Any time we think a bad outcome is possible, thatās what causes stress, nothing else.
ļæ¼
An easy way to see what causes stress right now
Please take a moment to think about the ābadā situation thatās creating your stress, or the possible ābadā outcome that could happen. Tell yourself the story in detail and give it your complete attention. Picture the situation in your mind. Envision the scenario with all the relevant details. Think about how ābadā it would be if this ābadā thing happened. Look at every-oneās facial expression, look at the background details, and give it all your attention. Take a few seconds to stop reading and imagine this now.
Now, how does it feel when you tell yourself this story? How does it feel when you think about it? What happens when you think about the stressful situation? Take a moment to look at how you feel? You feel tense, right?
A moment ago you likely werenāt feeling any emotion. Then, just by thinking, you began to experience an emotional reaction. Thereās no situation here to create your stress. Youāre just reading a blog post. If you experience an emotional reaction right now, it must have been created by something thatās going on right now. As soon as you began to give attention to the thoughts/stories about the future, tension or stress was created. The feeling of stress in your body is a direct reaction to the thoughts you just had, not any circumstance or event.
The only thing happening right now is your thinking. If as soon as you think about something ābadā, you feel the stress, then clearly itās the thinking thatās creating the stress and not the situation itself. Chapter 11 - It's Easy (Rules) (Part 1)
In this moment, just look. What do I judge thatās not good enough about them? Do I judge that they donāt spend enough time with me? Do I judge that they donāt tell me they love me enough? That they donāt appreciate me enough. Right? So look at what you judge them to do. And then notice that when you have that judgment; thatās when loneliness comes. So, if you can see that then you can stop blaming them for your loneliness. It has nothing to do with whether they appreciate you enough, or how much they appreciate you. It only has to deal with whether you think about them appreciating you enough or not enough.
If you can see that, then you can come back to this moment. Oh, Iām not missing anything. Itās just these thoughts that are creating loneliness. Nothing else, itās nothing to do with them. And when you stop judging them, youāre left with love for them. When you donāt believe youāre judgments about someone, whatās left is love. Love is simply what remains when you donāt have judgments about others. So when you donāt judge your partner to be not good enough, youāll feel love for them. And we canāt be lonely and feel love. We tend to think that somebody loving us will get rid of our loneliness, but it canāt. No matter what somebody else does that doesnāt get rid of our loneliness.
Š”ŠæŠ¾Š“ŠµŠ»ŠµŠ½Š¾ Š¾Š±ŃŠµŃŃŠ²ŠµŠ½Š¾ŠŠ¾Š±Š°Š²ŠµŃŠµ ŠŗŠ¾Š¼ŠµŠ½ŃŠ°Ń...Š½ŃŠ¼Š° +1Š½ŃŠ¼Š° ŃŠæŠ¾Š“ŠµŠ»ŃŠ½ŠøŃVonder Gongī¢ī7 Ń
In order to alleviate stress, you have to understand what causes stress
Hello, my name is Noah Elkrief, and in this video Iām going to talk about what causes stress. The reason I want to talk about what causes stress is because many people that come to me for help with their stress seem to have a lot of misinformation about what causes stress. When we donāt truly understand whatās causing our stress, it becomes very difficult to address the stress. We end up spending a lot of time and energy trying to change things that arenāt really causing our stress.
ļæ¼
What people think causes stress
The two things that people most often tell me are causing their stress are specific circumstances/situations and uncertainty. In other words, most people think that uncertainty and stressful situations cause stress. So, in this blog post, Iām going to help you discover for yourself that thoughts create stress and nothing else. That neither uncertainty nor āstressful situationsā cause stress, as if there was such a thing. On top of, that Iām going to show you the exact thoughts that create this stress. But, nothing you read here is meant to be believed or trusted, because that wonāt provide much value for you. Rather, everything is meant to be directly discovered for yourself.
Why situations donāt cause stress
First, letās look at a so called stressful situation, and examine whether it is actually the situation that causes stress. If you go to work at your job, and while you are there, you feel stressed, it seems almost obvious that the situation at your job is causing your stress. When youāre at work you feel stressed, and when youāre not you donāt. It seems so obvious. But, letās look at the situation a bit more closely.
If some people can experience no stress in the same situation, the situation canāt cause stress
Certain situations seem to create stress. However, in order to claim that a specific circumstance creates a specific experience, it must always create that same experience, for every person, every time. For example, a flame creates heat. When anyone comes into contact with a flame, they will experience heat every time, for as long as they are near the flame.
The first question to ask yourself in order to discover that a situation itself doesnāt cause your stress is, āCould somebody else be happy in this situation? Is somebody else that I know happy in this situation?ā Itās almost always easy to see that āyes, there are some people who are happy in this situation.ā Or āYes, it is possible for people to be happy in this situation.ā
If other people are happy in this situation, if other people are not stressed in this situation, then the situation itself canāt be creating the stress. If the situation itself created the stress then everybody in this situation would have to experience stress. But if thatās not the case, then the situation canāt be creating the stress.
ļæ¼
If you have moments in the situation with no stress, the situation canāt cause stress
Another way to see that the situation doesnāt create your stress is to just ask, āAm I stressed in every moment that Iām in this situation?ā If we think that our work situation is creating the stress, we would ask āAm I stressed in every moment at work?ā No, probably not. In some moments you enjoy it. In some moments you are stressed.
For example, you might not be stressed at work when youāre just talking with co-workers you enjoy, if youāre talking to a client that is enjoying what youāre saying, or you are just care-free in a given moment. If you can recognize that in some moments while you are at work, you donāt experience stress, then you can recognize that the situation itself canāt be whatās creating your stress. If the situation was causing your stress, then you would be stressed in every moment that you were in that situation.
ļæ¼
If you can lose your stress by distracting yourself from thoughts, the situation canāt cause stress
If having a specific job was the cause of your stress, then as long as you had that job, you would be stressed. But, if you are stressed in a given moment, then someone sends you a link to funny youtube video, what happens to your stress? It completely vanishes for the moments that you are watching the funny video. Why does your stress disappear when you watch the funny video? Simply because the video is distracting you from the thoughts that were creating your stress.
If all it takes to stop feeling stress is to simply distract yourself from thoughts, then itās clear that the thoughts must be creating your stress and not a particular situation. Can you see that? If all it takes to lose your stress is to think about something else, to put your attention on something you enjoy then clearly it has to be your thoughts thatās creating your stress.
ļæ¼
Why uncertainty doesnāt cause stress
We tend to think that uncertainty creates stress. In other words, most people believe that when you are in a situation where you donāt what the outcome/future will be, that creates stress. But letās dispel that myth for a second here. If somebody said to you, āIāll either give you a thousand dollars tomorrow or nothingā, how would you feel? You might be stressed about whether you get the thousand dollars or not, right? And it seems as though the uncertainty creates the stress.
But now imagine someone said to you, āIāll give you a thousand dollars tomorrow, but it might be all twenties, might be all singles, might be all fives.ā Are you going to feel stressed about it? No. Thereās uncertainty in the situation once again, but you wouldnāt feel stressed. So why not? The reason why you wouldnāt have stress is because thereās no outcome we think would be bad. Thereās many different possible outcomes. But since all of them are judged to be equal by our minds, thereās nothing to be stressed about.
What causes stress is believing that one outcome would be worse than another outcome
Imagine that youāre going into a job interview where there are two possible jobs you can get. They already said to you, āYouāve already got the job. We just donāt know if youāre going to go into this division or that division. This is the interview to help us pick.ā If you really like one division and you really donāt like the other division, are you going to be stressed about the job interview? Of course. Because one outcome is labeled ābetterā and other outcome is labeled āworseā.
But, what about if you liked both divisions equally, and you donāt know which one would be better for you. Are you going to feel stressed about the job interview? No. Why not? Because both options are seen to be equal. Thereās uncertainty there, but since both options are viewed to be equal, and neither is viewed to be worse, thereās no stress.
Uncertainty itself does not create stress. The only thing that creates stress is believing a thought that says āa bad outcome is possibleā. Broadly speaking, there are two ways that this shows up. The first way is deciding what outcome āwould be bestā, and then inherently considering every other outcome to be āworseā. For example, in a job interview example, we would think āit would be best for me to get the jobā, and every other outcome is bad.
The other time when we experience stress is when we decide that a specific outcome would be bad. For example: āIt would be bad if I donāt get the job offerā. āIt would be bad if I donāt get this done in timeā. āIt would be bad if they break up with meā. āIt would be bad if I get hurtā. When we think about an outcome that we think would be bad, we are creating stress. Any time we think a bad outcome is possible, thatās what causes stress, nothing else.
ļæ¼
An easy way to see what causes stress right now
Please take a moment to think about the ābadā situation thatās creating your stress, or the possible ābadā outcome that could happen. Tell yourself the story in detail and give it your complete attention. Picture the situation in your mind. Envision the scenario with all the relevant details. Think about how ābadā it would be if this ābadā thing happened. Look at every-oneās facial expression, look at the background details, and give it all your attention. Take a few seconds to stop reading and imagine this now.
Now, how does it feel when you tell yourself this story? How does it feel when you think about it? What happens when you think about the stressful situation? Take a moment to look at how you feel? You feel tense, right?
A moment ago you likely werenāt feeling any emotion. Then, just by thinking, you began to experience an emotional reaction. Thereās no situation here to create your stress. Youāre just reading a blog post. If you experience an emotional reaction right now, it must have been created by something thatās going on right now. As soon as you began to give attention to the thoughts/stories about the future, tension or stress was created. The feeling of stress in your body is a direct reaction to the thoughts you just had, not any circumstance or event.
The only thing happening right now is your thinking. If as soon as you think about something ābadā, you feel the stress, then clearly itās the thinking thatās creating the stress and not the situation itself. Chapter 11 - It's Easy (Rules) (Part 1)
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