How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #1) - DeYtH Banger (latest ebook reader .txt) 📗

thinking about someone, we try to push the thoughts away, stop them, deny that we have them, or distract ourselves from these thoughts.

As you may have come to discover, these tactics generally don’t bring the results that we want and don’t help us to stop thinking about the person we’re thinking about. In this blog post, I am going to introduce you to a new tactic that is likely to be much more effective. But, before I talk about how to stop thinking about someone, I just want to briefly explain what missing someone is.

What seems to be the cause of missing someone

If someone was with you that you love, and they are no longer with you, it can seem as if missing that person is a direct result of that person you love no longer being with you. It seems as though missing someone is an automatic reaction to not being with someone you love, and it is an impossible reaction to escape. It seems as if when someone you love leaves you, you miss them, and that’s just the way it works. There’s no choice in the matter. The feeling of missing someone seems to be directly created by not being around someone you love.

But, now it is time to examine this assumption.

The real cause of missing someone

Let me ask you a question, do you have anything that you do for fun? Take a moment to think about some of the things that you enjoy doing the most. For example, maybe you watch movies, maybe you eat desserts, maybe you go dancing, maybe you play sports, or maybe you play with your kids.

If you are missing someone, and then you engage in some activity that you really enjoy, would you be able to have fun or enjoy yourself? In other words, are you able to have fun and be happy when you are engaging in these activities even though the person you love is not here? Yes, you would almost certainly still be able to have fun when you are doing something you love.

When you engage in activities that you like, you are able to enjoy yourself because you are distracting yourself from the thoughts that make you unhappy. So, if the person you love is no longer here, but yet you can be happy simply by distracting yourself from thoughts, then clearly your feeling of missing them isn’t created by the factual circumstance of that person not being here. If your feeling of missing someone was directly created by a person you love not being here with you, then you would be forced to have this feeling of missing them for as long as they weren’t here with you, and you wouldn’t be able to escape this feeling simply by distracting yourself from your thoughts.

Can you see how missing someone is not created by someone you love not being here with you, but is actually directly created by thoughts? When you think about someone you love not being here, you miss them. But, when you are not thinking about them, you don’t miss them. The feeling of missing someone is just created by thinking about someone that you want to be here, but isn’t here.



To understand how to stop thinking about someone, you need to understand why you think about them

Let me first say this: there is no problem with thinking about anyone. It is not as though you shouldn’t do it or it is a bad thing to do. But, if you want to know how to stop thinking about someone, then you first have to understand why you are thinking about them. If you don’t understand why you are thinking about someone, then it is very, very difficult to stop thinking about them. You will end up just trying to push your thoughts away, rather than directly addressing the cause of why you’re thinking about them.

So why do you think about the person you are thinking about? When it comes to relationships, which is the most common situation for when we want to stop thinking about someone, the reason why we think about them is because we think that we would be happier if they were here. The reason why you keep thinking about them or missing them is because you think you would be happier if they were here.



Are you thinking about someone because you think you would be happier if they were here?

To test this out, think about a time that you were enjoying yourself while the person you have been missing isn’t here. In the moment that you were having fun, being happy, and enjoying yourself, were you thinking about the person you have been missing? No, almost certainly not. This is because when you are already happy, there is no reason to think about the person you have been missing.

But when you’re sitting there, not particularly happy, or just not doing much, your mind just keeps bringing up how you would be happier if they were here and that causes you to keep thinking about them.

If you thought that you would be unhappier if they were here, would you continue to think about them? No, almost certainly not. Do you see how that is true?

Let’s examine whether you would actually be happier if the person you are thinking about was here

When we are thinking about someone, what we do is we remember a moment of pleasure (or happy moments) from our time with them, and then we think (often unconsciously) “I would be happier if they were here”. But let’s now examine this major assumption “I would be happier if they were here”.

Tactic #1: Were you always happy and fulfilled when they were?

How to stop thinking about someone: Were you always happy when the person you are missing was here? Were all of your times together enjoyable? Were there some moments when you were with them and you were worrying about what they think? Were there some moments when you were really annoyed with them, when you judged them, when they judged you, when you got in arguments, when you were worried about whether they were cheating on you, when you were worried about whether they still loved you, when you resented them because they didn’t appreciate you enough, when you felt uncomfortable because you were trying to please them?

When you are thinking about how you would be happier if they were here, you are thinking about a specific moment/s of pleasure that you had with them, but you can’t just bring back the happy/fun moments. If you bring the person you have been thinking about back into your life, you will be bringing everything back. You will be bringing the worrying, resentment, disappointment, arguing, doing things you don’t like, and all of that stuff along with the fun moments. Right?

So let me ask you the question: Do you know with absolute certainty that you would be happier if the person you have been thinking about was here? Is it possible that there would be more unhappiness in my life if they came back into my life? Just asking yourself these questions might help you to discover “I don’t actually know whether I would be happier if they were here again”.



Tactic #2: Could new things come into your life that wind up making you happier?

How to stop thinking about someone: Maybe your experience with the person you are thinking about was almost always wonderful and filled with happiness. But, that experience is over now. Now, you have a new experience in your life. In other words, your experience in life is now different because you no longer have that person in your life. And then you decide “I would be happier if they were here”. But, do you know what all of the effects are of losing the person that you were with?

Do you know for sure that you won’t wind up being happier single? Is it possible that losing that person will allow you to spend more time with friends, to make new friends, or to spend more time engaging with your hobbies? Is it possible that you will find someone else that you will enjoy being with much more than the last person? Can you be absolutely sure that these things aren’t possible? Is it possible that all of these types of things could wind up leaving you happier in your life without the person you have been thinking about? Is it possible that something wonderful will happen to you now that they are no longer in your life? Can you think of a few good effects of the person you are thinking about no longer being here with you?

If it is possible that you could be happier without the person that you have been thinking about, then you don’t need to keep thinking about how you would be happier if they were. Because the truth is that you don’t know whether you would be happier if they were here.



Tactic #3: Could your unhappiness motivate you to start working on yourself, which could make you much happier?

How to stop thinking about someone: Losing the person you have been thinking about seems to have created some unhappiness for you. But, that is just one, very short-term effect. Is it possible that this unhappiness you are experiencing will provoke you to start examining your unhappiness, to start questioning what makes you unhappy, to discover that thoughts cause your unwanted emotions, and to discover how to address these thoughts, which will ultimately make you much happier in life?

In other words, most of us go through life assuming that external circumstances and events make us happy and unhappy. But, the truth is that our thoughts about external circumstances and events cause all of our emotions. And, if you learn how to deal with, or eliminate, the thoughts that would normally make you unhappy, then you will be significantly happier in your life. It is possible that the unhappiness you are experiencing from losing someone will cause you to see thoughts that you didn’t know you had, and to somehow get you to a website like this which can show you how to deal with the thoughts that make you unhappy. And that could make you much happier in your life.



Tactic #4: Could “bad” things have happened in your relationship with the person you are thinking about if they were still here?

How to stop thinking about someone: Is it possible that if the person you have been thinking about was still here, maybe something bad would have happened? Is it possible that they would have cheated on you? Is it possible that the relationship would have gotten old and boring? Is it possible that you would have gotten into a big argument that really hurt both of you? Is it possible that you would have gotten more and more jealous or more and more worried about whether they still love you?  Is it possible that if they were here, they would keep you from doing something that was really wonderful and important to you, and you would miss out on it? Is it possible that you would wind up much more unhappy if they were here?

You can’t possibly know whether any of this would happen or not. So when you are thinking about someone, it is an uninvestigated assumption that you would be happier if they were here. But, as you can see, you can’t possibly know whether that’s true.



Tactic #5: Could either of you have changed, making the relationship incompatible?

How to stop thinking about someone: If the person you are thinking about was still here, is it possible that they would have changed in some way that you wouldn’t like? Is it possible that you would have changed in some way where you no longer like being with them? Is it possible that something would have happened to make both of you not a good fit for each other anymore? Is it possible that the enjoyable moments you had