How to Talk to Anyone (Junior Talker #1) - DeYtH Banger (latest ebook reader .txt) š
- Author: DeYtH Banger
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2) If you are trying to change or improve your partner, in that moment, you are not loving them
We might try to our partnerās habits, their physical appearance, the way they speak, or just try to make them happier. But why would we try to change them? Sometimes, we recognize that we are trying to change them to make ourselves happierā¦ thinking something like āif he loved me, he would change for meā.
We think that if someone loves us, they should change to make us happier. But thatās not love. What this really means is, āI want you to change so I can be happyā. But what we are missing here is that if we truly love someone for who they are, then we wouldnāt try to change them. If we werenāt using them to make us happy, then we wouldnāt be trying to change them just to make us happy.
Sometimes, we may think that we are trying to change them for their own good. But, thatās a trick. Even if we think that we are trying to make them happier, we are actually just not accepting them for who they are in that moment.
3) Positive thoughts is not love
We often confuse positive thoughts about someone to be love. Having great thoughts about someone feels really nice and enjoyable. And thereās absolutely nothing wrong with that. But even if you think your partner is the most wonderful, nice, and beautiful person, that is not love. It is not love for 2 reasons.
When we have positive thoughts about someone, we meet our thoughts about them and donāt actually meet them. We donāt truly connect with them or experience them, because instead we experience our thoughts about them. (I know this is a little difficult to grasp as a concept ā donāt worry if you donāt get it) The pleasant feeling positive thoughts give you is dependent on the other personās words, actions, and appearance matching your definitions of āperfectā or āgreatā. It is therefore only a matter of time before they do something to have negative thoughts about. We canāt think everything that they do and say is āgreatā, we will think other things they do and say are ābadā or ānot good enoughā. If we think their appearance is āgreatā, that will eventually change. This isnāt love because it is completely conditional and dependent upon how the other person acts, what they say, and how they look. Moments of enjoyment (what we think is love), will be mixed in with moments of disappointment, anger, and all that stuff.
4) Excitement about the future isnāt based on love
Many of us innocently mistake excitement to be love. This tends to happen most often in the beginning of relationships. This excitement is the feeling that most of us consider to be love. It is the feeling of being overwhelmed with joy, or maybe having butterflies. But these feelings are actually created by thoughts such as āI finally found someone who will make me happyā, āWe are going to have such a wonderful life togetherā, āHe loves me and I love himā, āI can stop looking for a partner and worrying about whether I will never find oneā.
Once again, this is a wonderful feeling. Itās very enjoyable. Thereās absolutely nothing wrong or bad about it. But, it just canāt last. It is all created by positive thoughts about the future. Eventually, the positive thoughts of the future will go, and we begin judging what we have. Since it doesnāt last, and is dependent on thoughts, it is not love.
5) If you require your partner to do things for you, in that moment, itās not love
Most of us have been taught that love means doing things for your partner, or in other words, sacrificing for your partner. Therefore, we generally look to our lover to fill our needs. When we look to our partner to fill our needs, we are using them.
Sometimes āusingā our partner in a relationship is just a normal and healthy part of being in a relationship. As part of a relationship, each person has tasks that they perform for the other person. You do some things for me and I do some things for you. That makes sense. But this part of a relationship just has nothing to do with love. This is just the business and practical side of a relationship.
In addition, a lot of the times, we tend to think things like āIf you loved me, you would ā¦ cook for me, clean the room, take the kids to school more, sacrifice for me, buy me more gifts, compliment me etcā. After all, our lover did fill the position of the one who is supposed to make us happy. But, when we try to get our partner to sacrifice and fill our needs just to make us happy, it often creates suffering.
Sure, when we love someone, sometimes we want to sacrifice our time, energy, and money for them. Since we love them, we donāt view it as a sacrifice, but as a joy. However, when we try to force our partner to sacrifice for us, and do something they donāt want to, that is not love. If we loved them, we would not ask them to do something they donāt want to do. And of course, we donāt stop there, we often try to guilt them into doing things for us and make them feel bad about it when they donāt. In doing this, we are unknowingly disregarding how the other person feels. In that moment we are only concerned about we want.
Thereās no problem with that. Itās not a personal issue. Itās not like you are to blame for it. This is how we have all been trained so naturally that is how we are going to act in our relationships. But, when we are truly loving someone, it is selfless. We donāt need anything in return.
6) Loving how someone seems to make us feel isnāt love
When we are with someone, we may love how we feel when are around them. Sometimes, we feel so great because we are loving the other personā¦ and there is just a connection that allows us to feel accepted, peaceful, or happy.
Other times, we might love how we feel around someone because they compliment us, we may love it because we have positive thoughts about them, we may love it because it distracts us from our negative thoughts, maybe they buy us stuff, maybe they agree with us, or maybe it is just a lot of fun. Thatās nice.
However, after we enjoy being with someone, we often decide āI love themā. Thatās no problem. But if we love them simply because they seem to make us feel good, this isnāt really love because then we will hate them when they do something to seemingly make us feel bad. This isnāt love because it is completely conditional upon how we feel. It is basically āI love you when you make me feel goodā or āI love you when you do what I wantā but then āI hate you when you donāt make me feel goodā or āI hate you when you donāt do what I wantā.
7) The fear of getting hurt isnāt part of love
If you are afraid that you wonāt get someoneās love (hurt) in return, or are worried that you will lose their love, then in that moment, you are not loving. These fears and worries are created by the concept that it would be ābadā if you donāt get the love that you want. In other words, in the moment that we feel fear or worry, we are unconsciously believe āit would be better if I received or kept their loveā. This means āI would be happier if I received or kept their loveā.
If you want something from them (love), then you are not just purely loving. You want something in return. But love wants nothing. Love doesnāt care what it receivesā¦. Because love itself is fulfilling in and of itself.
In a moment that we feel fear, that is just thoughts about how we might not get what we want. This doesnāt meant that we donāt love the person. It just means that in that moment, we arenāt in touch with this love because we are believing thoughts that are creating our experience of the situation.
These indications donāt mean anything about you or your love for your partner
Those are the 7 things we mistake to be loveā¦ or 7 indications that we may not be loving in a specific moment. Thereās no problem with any of it. None of it signifies that we are somehow ābadā or āworseā than others. This isnāt about creating an idea of a āperfectā relationship then comparing our relationship to that, and deciding our relationship isnāt āgood enoughā. This is how weāve been trained to āloveā and relate to people so of course this is how we are all going to live.
The bottom line is that if we donāt truly love someone, then we donāt feel this love or the fulfillment that comes with it. This is how thoughts relate to love. But all of these thoughts actually prevent us from loving others. As most of us have already discovered, this type of āloveā doesnāt fulfill us and often creates a lot of anxiety, anger, disappointment, and hurt. That being said, even though all of these thoughts may be there, your relationship may be filled with a tremendous amount of love beneath or behind all of these thoughts that create all of these emotions.
The opportunity to love
Now that you are aware of these 7 indicationsā¦ when you notice that you are doing something or believing something that is preventing you from lovingā¦ you have the opportunity to stop, take a step back, and look to see what thoughts are preventing you from experiencing love in that moment. Then, you can choose to disbelieve these thoughts (using The 5 Steps), or you just watch them.
Chapter 11.4 - Savender Way (Lie)Note: This is the moment when the bluff really comes and you don't know from where it comes...
Russell Peters
The savander way is the moment when somebody is bluffing and you can't catch him... it can go like.
Give me time It will take a moment It will take a minute It will take a second Later..., we are going to talk Can be organized Can be planned Okay see you tomorrow Okay see you Friday And etc
Lies and lies and lies and lies and lies...
People often lie... later or will take a minute/second/moment... it really won't take... but they can't say something like
20...30 minutes it sounds too much... but 5-6 minutes again too much... if they say second... and it take a hour... it won't feel the same way as somebody saying.
"Hey
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