The Bucket List - N. Y. (great book club books TXT) 📗

me and Ashley have talked.

 

 

So with the feelings again, the one that can't seem to go away, I walked back to art class with Tyler.

 

 

Leaving behind the answer I always knew would come back again.

 

I focus on her voice, what she said.

 

 

And the smile on her face that never came back.

 

--

 

The cold rush of the snow made me rethink why i'm here.

 

I haven't gone up to those doorsteps since. Ashley's mom said the same thing last time.

 

And it hasn't changed much.

 

 

So when Tyler convinced me after the ride home to confront Ashley, I accepted.

 

It took a lot of convincing when Tyler and Aunt Carol said it was gonna change everything.

 

 

And even though she was driving, I hoped before the moment we pulled up to the house that she'd turn the wheel and drive back home.

 

But she had hope for me and Ashley since we stopped talking.

 

 

Even Tyler too, he didn't know much about our reprised moments in knowing Ashley.

 

And the correct words I think Aunt Carol said were, she could use another friend as a holiday gift.

 

 

Not knowing much about me and Tyler, or the fact we've been a thing.

 

So when that sentence ringed in the car, I was simmering down into a pile of embarassment.

 

 

The truth was, Aunt Carol was probably more of an embarassing mom to me, than mom herself.

 

And when the decision was finally made, I had to get out in the freezing, snowing cold.

 

 

So I looked back seeing Tyler standing outside the car, watching me and so is Aunt Carol.

 

Then I nod my head before continuing up to the steps.

 

 

I knocked twice, just like before. Then the upset thought came again.

 

It would just be Ashley's mother telling me, she'll come around.

 

 

But i've heard plenty of talks between Ashley and her mom in my time. Even Ashley would talk to her own mother during her time of need.

 

So thinking this would change everything between me and Ashley, was harder to swallow.

 

 

Then it opens, fast then in a rush it's sudden.

 

Right in front of me, she's standing there. With a glow in her eyes.

 

The blonde hair I never seemed to understand.

 

 

The saddened look I prayed would go away.

 

So when it came for my turn to speak, I couldn't say anything.

 

No even a sound.

 

 

I could only see the confused, yet reassuring look on Ashley's face.

 

Seeing her in the flesh made me even more nervous.

 

 

And when I couldn't form a word, Ashley smiled. Letting the space between us speak.

 

The happy warm glow and feeling that disappeared years ago.

 

 

Then I begin to smile, letting it overcome my face.

 

Ashley smiles even wider, looking down before finally crossing her arms over her chest.

 

''Hi.'' she says.

 

 

I couldn't help but just stand there, not knowing what to reply.

 

Or how to react.

 

My best friend, or old best friend is suddenly the light of my life again.

 

 

Smiling in front of me, making me fall back into the old ways we used to be.

 

But then I remember, we're only getting older and we can't always go back.

 

 

So we all have to accept the change, at least the good kind of change.

 

And after thinking over and over again, finally it spills out.

 

''Hi.'' I say.

 

Lonely Cities

 

We made a promise, a pact.

 

That during this end of december, we'd leave it alone.

 

 

We've both come far from what we thought on it. It was lovely, and fun.

 

But as promised,....we give it up.

 

 

Me and Tyler have been thinking the same thoughts.

 

Mainly me, because it's my idea.

 

 

It wouldn't last for long. Soon we'd grow with each other or out of each other.

 

Either way, a promise is a promise.

 

 

And so we shook on it at lunch. With me wearing the same red sweater all through out half of december.

 

The hair I had, shaking on it too.

 

 

There's a smile on my face, and also on Tyler's before I gave him one of my cookies.

 

The soft sweet sugar cookies Aunt Carol baked for me.

 

 

It took me back to the memory every christmas. When i'd make sugar cookies with mom.

 

Biting into my cookie, my smile never left as Tyler began to speak.

 

 

''So are you okay with it, us breaking up before the holidays?'' he asks leaning.

 

I finish my cookie before answering, taking a big gulp.

 

 

''Yes, it'll only make it better.'' I replied.

 

Then reaching over for another cookie to stuff in my mouth.

 

''But I don't understand.'' Tyler asks.

 

 

I lean back where I sat, looking Tyler in the eye before briefly speaking.

 

''We both know it wouldn't work out, middle school relationships are meant to be...in the middle.'' I reassured him.

 

 

''But aren't we more than that, just, in the middle?'' Tyler insists.

 

There's a curved smile on his face as the last crumb of his cookie, slips off his fingers and into his mouth.

 

''Not a lot of relationships last long, especially with me.'' I finally said.

 

 

Then, wiping away the cookie crumbs on my fingers, the thought of my last sentence brought back a memory.

 

A terrible one I never expected.

 

 

The feeling of loneliness.

 

Without Tyler, Idon't exist. Without Ashley, I have no purpose.

 

Losing those 2 things in my life can be a challenge.

 

 

Especially since you've learned so much from it as a child.

 

''It's for my own good.'' I finally say.

 

 

The bell rings, letting everyone stand up from their seats.

 

Then with a kick in notice, i'm off, dashing through the hallways.

 

 

Tyler being dragged behind as I make it to my locker. Focusing on the numbers.

  

And then Tyler comes running to my side, as I tried to avoid him.

 

 

''Things were going so well, come on...I deserve to know why exactly you're doing this.'' he says, leaning his arm against a locker.

 

I push in my tin lunch box, still looking away from Tyler.

 

Then with a quick slam to my locker I face him, looking him dead in the eyes.

 

 

''I'm doing this for my own good.'' I said again.

 

This time there's no response or hesitation on Tyler's insisting.

 

He just accepts it, watching me move aside from him, going on my way to class.

 

 

Leaving him to question if that's really my answer.

 

When it's actually not.

 

 

The reason why I wanted us to break up, was because of me. Alex.

 

For the sake of old Alex.

 

Saving myself from the danger, the trust and of course the power.

 

 

The one thing holding me back on my life, i've already lost it with Ashley.

 

I couldn't bear for it to end with Tyler.

 

 

So I had the plan settled out. I'd drive Tyler crazy with the intention i'm not relationship material.

 

Calling and talking to him, being clingy and of course being selfish.

 

 

I tried everything in my power, and he still finds a way to stick around.

 

Which makes my plan even more harder. He was truly something I couldn't let go easily.

 

And I really liked him at this point.

 

 

So then I came up with the bet, the pact.

 

 

By letting me and Tyler break up, I'd be free from the curse.

 

I knew what it was like losing Ashley, so losing Tyler would be harder.

 

He was the only other friend I had.

 

 

And even though breaking up made it hard for Tyler to see why I did it.

 

I still hope that we can be friends.

 

 

Friends that once dated.

 

 

And then the memories kicked in, about our spent time.

 

The 7/11 trips, the constant red cherry slushies he'd buy for me.

 

 

The walk down to his house and we'd sit in the front yard watching over Lambert.

 

Overlooking the sky, and the big tree to our left.

 

 

That was our tree. The tree we planted our little seed of hope in.

 

The one that birthed, Tyler and Alex.

 

 

So with the break-up plan, I knew what might happen afterwards.

 

But I made sure in the time I drove him crazy, he understood what it could do to us.

 

 

So opening the hatch, pulling the lever, sliding the switch down.

 

It made it so easy for me to leave. 

 

 

And an even greater way for me to grow individually.

 

Diamond Heart

 

The words repeat in my head. I have never done this before, but the job sounds simple enough.

 

It's dead, beaten up, one word after another.

 

 

And here I am, in the back of a car.

 

Just watching it continue to fall apart, like none of it's business deserves a little love.

 

 

It sucked, it had to end like this. And it keeps coming back to me. The thought of it all.

 

Wer'e done.

 

I didn't want it to be over, I had so much fight left in me. And he just....gives up.

 

 

So simple, anyone could have mistaken it for an apology.

 

But not me, i'm not no average girl living in Lousiana. I have a heart and purpose.

 

And while those words slipped on my tongue, everything else moved so slowly.

 

 

At first, I thought I was dreaming, but then it seemed so real.

 

The cracks, the whispers, the loud noise and everything in between.

 

 

My thoughts were forever gone. I had no more purpose.

 

A string, named Alex, was cut.

 

 

Hell wanted me back and this time it was a challenge I had lost.

 

 

All for a stupid boy. I lost everything.

 

And when that last string of thought aired, it was done.

 

 

My prayer was answered, my sinner's prayer.

 

We've only been together until the end december, right before school went out for break.

 

We promised it was only going to last over until then.

 

 

Then, it's over. But we went on anyways.

 

Moving up until March, where...well you get the picture.

 

 

I told myself, I needed to get away and I know I had to get out of Lousiana.

 

Which was way out of my comfort zone.

 

 

For a long time I felt almost dead, non-existent.

 

Like, my own worries didn't matter much. Just like any other human being.

 

Walking the face of this earth, with no intentions of change much.

 

 

Then,...it just happens.

 

Your arm comes flying off, your heart becomes another lost soul and the world goes blind.

 

You're left with the thought, I saw the devil...and he made it come true.

 

 

The wish. Everyone's deadly desire to leave,...is real.

 

Just how real? Real enough to realize what you've done.

 

 

And I caused that. One simple mistake over a choice of words.

 

As my eyes search the ground of the dirty old place mats in the car, my lips purse for a second.

 

 

''Did I make the right choice?'' I whispered.

 

''Ya sure did.'' says the man.

 

 

I barely had time to ask for his name or ask why he accepted the ride for me.

 

But before I could answer, the lights go out. That last thing I remember,...is looking at the road.

 

 

Before the road disappears and the sheet of water keeps pouring down, and my ears shoot a pain I can't stand.

 

I then realize,...it's all so true, truly over.

 

 

Nothing but a broken glass, from a broken piece of fire and sand for my glasses.

 

Glasses, that won't see anymore.