The Bucket List - N. Y. (great book club books TXT) 📗

Sober

 

The month of the accident....

 

 

It's impossible to tell for sure.

 

Is he really looking at me, or is it my tiny mind playing tricks on me.

 

 

Either way, I stand still leaning on my locker.

 

I struggled a few times with it, as always. But I think of another thing to write down on my list.

 

So far, 5 are written and I have yet to write another great one.

 

 

I set my pencil down on the notebook as the words slip out of my fingers.

 

 

#6. The cupcake you think is so sweet, isn't the one that's right. Sometimes it falls, and your worst nightmare from it suddenly collides with your heart. Life, is not like a box of chocolates.

 

 

And when those words hit back on me again, I knew I couldn't do it.

 

Bare to open my eyes, breath,...live again.

 

 

But I was stuck, riding the endless portal the doctors put me in. Twisting my mind, leaving me out of control with my own body.

 

It's not my life anymore. I remember i'm not in school again.

 

I'm on the ground, fighting for my life.

 

 

The ride was bumpy and slick, but I tried my best not to think of the accident.

 

Or more, the crash.

 

 

It hit me all at once, there I was...peacefully making the biggest mistake ever.

 

Then i'm looking ahead. Watching the road turn and bend.

 

 

The lights get closer and then, I can't see anymore.

 

 

It's numb at first, nut then it kicks in.

 

My eyes flash open, bloodshot red. Everything is blurry. 

 

 

Nothing but the grey sky above. The only thing I can focus on.

 

Dizzy thoughts pouring into my mind, i'm shaking my head back and forth.

 

Even though they tell me it's not good.

 

 

But I ignore them. They fasten, tighten and strap me up.

 

It's like i'm being locked away.

 

 

The man, I see from the corner of my mind. Is gone.

 

His line is cut, the people who checked for a heartbeat leave him.

 

 

Gathering, all of them. Staring, in shock, in horror.

 

They pray, they hope i'm fine.

 

 

And still in the depths of my heart and the soulful life that breathed for me, I saw the light, i'm not fine.

 

I'm hurt. So badly.

 

 

My body is in pain, but i'm just still. Being carried into the back of the ambulance by the paramedics.

 

Breathing. In and out.

 

 

Trying to maintain the thought. If I hadn't been that stupid to leave him.

 

If I would have stayed, fought a little longer.

 

 

This sticky situation, would have been nothing.

 

But those are just words.

 

Because blood still stains, even when the sheets are washed.

 

 

That's why all my teeth are rotton.

 

 

A silly girl, with silly boy.

 

And now, he just watches from the sidelines.

 

But I know he's not there, he's home.

 

 

While I suffer. Take the blame, filled with regret. 

 

But it doesn't matter, they work away on me while I stare up at nothing.

 

 

Lights, constantly flashing over me. Machines, taking over my body.

 

My heart aches, but it doesn't give me a break.

 

 

No. It beats trying to keep me alive.

 

And I don't take the notion.

 

 

I just suddenly close my eyes, then I hear loud talking.

 

Saying, stay awake.

 

And I don't care, I just begin to sleep.

 

 

But I knew if I did, i'd never wake up. I'd soon be in heaven, or hell.

 

Wherever I belong. I've lived and now it's my choice.

 

 

Let my lips open and breath again? Possibly not.

 

Think of everything and i'm leaving behind? Nope.

 

 

They test me, sticking pins and needles that don't phase me. I just hear their muffled voices talk.

 

The speed of the ambulance fire up.

 

 

It was an emergency, they tried to save me. 

 

But I don't know for sure. I'm just alseep.

 

 

Blocking the world out, putting the pain I felt aside and letting it take in.

 

Sweet death, the one thing I didn't crave so much. And yet it stings so carelessly.

 

Like chocolate, enduring and satisfying. But it's not sweet anymore.

 

 

It's bitter, it makes me want to spit it out. Swallowing the blood so warm I hate it.

 

Then I knew what would be better.

 

 

A black world full of light, and a soul that exists into forever? Or just...life.

 

Careless, selfish,...meaningful life.

 

 

And now it's mine, that has a impact. Something horrible. Growing inside of me, trying to go wild, breaking my heart inside and out.

 

 

Yet my mind can't help but wonder, home come?

 

Why now? Why this?

 

 

But it's silent. The line goes through, and I see my light disappear.

 

I imagine myself reaching for the last grip on it, but it's too late.

 

 

Then i'm awake. At first, the 2 men who overlooked me making sure i'm alive sit back.

 

Slowly but then, fast. It rolls down my legs. 

 

 

All around, on my face. In my mouth, seeping over my right eye.

 

I don't have my glasses, but I can see clearly where I am.

 

 

My breath quickens, i'm trying to get out. Letting the strap and hold they have me on go loose.

 

But they pull me back, one of them pushes me back a little to rough. My eyes squeeze tight and I feel the gritty flavor of it scour my mouth.

 

Blood.

 

 

The pain doesn't bother me, but I knew it'd kick in some time.

 

And as I tried to fight back, potentially leaving and going back, i'm there.

 

 

Then, i'm quiet, nothing happens. I wonder if i'm dead or if I stopped breathing.

 

But i'm pulled out of the ambulance. Ahead of me, the outside shining bright like the sun.

 

 

I'm no longer awake, i'm stiff and cold. Motionless.

 

I can't breath, but I can see everything.

 

 

And everytime I think, i'm dead, something else pops up.

 

Everything is so clear, and i'm revived.

 

 

But I don't know for sure.

 

Get Lost

 

Their voices keep talking. Telling me.

 

Do you remember?

 

Any memory of light, daylight?

 

 

I can't respond, I just lay still.

 

Motionless for days, watching myself from a distance.

 

 

The nurse who took care of me since the accident stayed by my side.

 

Fighting with doctors, surgeons, and even nurses for god's sake.

 

Hoping and planning to tell them, Alex will be alright.

 

 

I can't even begin to count the days anymore. Even since i've talked to myself a long time ago.

 

I just watch the sun rise, and set.

 

 

Watching the nurse who takes care of me, try every single day on helping me wake up.

 

At first it's useless, then it's so much more.

 

 

On a particular rainy day, I spoke with the nurse.

 

Nurse Nenny.

 

She told me that was her name.

 

 

Holding onto the teddy bear she fascinated about, hoping i'd get to see it one day.

 

Smiling too big, I couldn't stop myself from crying in the distance as I watched in my spirit form.

 

 

Seeing the hope she had in me.

 

Was everything to Alex.

 

So one day, I surprised her.

 

 

Even with a lot of recovery to do with surgery, I worked up all the courage I could to respond back.

 

Even though Nurse Nenny spoke softly, I could make out her words.

 

 

Little by little, I rephrased them into my words.

 

She talked about her niece, Adaline.

 

Nurse Nenny was working late night shifts just for me.

 

 

About the nurse she's friends with, Jackie.

 

About the doctors and surgeons.

 

 

Paul, Max, Lana.

 

And when she said something that caught my attention, it suddenly brought back the life in me.

 

Tyler.

 

 

With that simple word, my eyes shot open.

 

I could see, it was blurry at first but then I could focus.

 

Realizing, i'm not on the sidelines again. I'm not watching behind the ICU door again.

 

 

I'm back in my body, letting the ghost life outside those walls fall behind.

 

At first, I thought it was exciting. I'm back. Alex is back.

 

 

But then, that's all I could think about on repeat.

 

The words, circling my brain.

 

 

My eyes are open, and i'm happy about it.

 

But everything else, inside and outside of me, doesn't work.

 

I can only blink.

 

 

Seeing what's up, and not everything around me.

 

Nurse Nenny was surprised, checking my vitals. The biggest smile on her face.

 

I couldn't see most of it.

 

 

But that was the day she celebrated, right outside the ICU with champagne.

 

She told me.

 

 

And even though everyone else was happy, I wasn't.

 

I was stuck, looking up at the ceiling forever.

 

Wondering if things were gonna stay that way.

 

 

But then, slowly, feelling came back into my hands.

 

Starting at my fingertips, letting my nails course through the blanket over me.

 

Then to my leg. Feeling the fabric of the hospital gown.

 

 

Days had past, and I was getting better at reaching new levels of physical activity.

 

By just a week, I could start walking again.

 

 

Although my neck was strapped up with a brace, the pain eased through.

 

Reminding me what happened. But I kept pushing away the thoughts with smile.

 

With Nurse Nenny to help.

 

 

And after 2 hours of trying to regain my muscle's strength to work, i'm set to rest for the day.

 

Finally hours later, i'd get my neck brace removed. I had been in it since the accident, even on the way to the hospital.

 

That made me smile as Nurse Nenny put me to rest.

 

 

''After that, it's gonna get so much better.'' she says.

 

Pulling my legs up on the bed.

 

I couldn't stop smiling from that point as Nurse Nenny did the usual rotine.

 

 

Check my vitals, heartbeat, see how far i'm into recovery.

 

Then, before leaving me. Nurse Nenny picks up a bear.

 

 

One that was left near my bedside, hopelessy let down.

 

With a thin smile on her lips, she speaks.

 

''This was from your Aunt. She wanted to get you something in case you woke up.'' Nurse Nenny said.

 

 

She hands me the bear gently. Letting my arms cradle the bear into a rest point on my chest.

 

I didn't smile, or knew how to respond.

 

I just stared at the bear, wondering if the lifeless soul I had for days came back.

 

 

Those restless nights, i'd spend roaming the empty halls in the hospital.

 

Wondering if I was dead or not, but finding out i'm just living on the outside.

 

Wanting in, but never coming out.

 

 

So that day, I held the bear close,almost squeezing the life out of it.

 

Thinking of Aunt Carol, Tyler and everyone.

 

What I missed and how it possibly came together.

 

 

The whole mishap.

 

The year of the gap.

 

 

From thinking i'd lost hope with the help of Aunt Carol.

 

To the friendship that still can't be glued together again with Ashley.

 

And from the new americana built up with Tyler.

 

 

Back to the love from everyone, still hoping they'd bring old Alex back home.

 

 

Nurse Nenny talked a lot about everyone.

 

Especially my visiting hours.

 

 

She said everyone came by.

 

Aunt Carol, just once.

 

Tyler, plenty of times.

 

But not Ashley.

 

 

Even when I asked Nurse Nenny to check the listed names, Ashley Bass was never writen down.

 

So with that little hope, I passed through.

 

 

It seemed like forever in my mind. But in as little as 2 weeks, I was back to regular Alex.

 

Moving again, spriteful life.

 

The same small chatterbox in the hospital everyone kept their prayers on.

 

 

So that day, when Nurse Nenny told me that i'd be going home soon.

 

I