The Bucket List - N. Y. (great book club books TXT) 📗

was one of those moments that I liked about when I ate lunch.

 

How the food sticks around in your mouth, how weird but good it feels.

 

 

How my tongue searches my teeth to find and pick off any leftover piece.

 

It was the only thing that made me feel calm at lunch.

 

 

My sandwich pushes through my mouth as I sit in silence.

 

 

My fingers fish around my open lunch box to find my carrots.

 

No ranch.

 

 

Just the pale healthy carrots I fell in love with since I was 3.

 

The taste was nothing, but it seemed to numb the feeling in my mouth.

 

 

My hands wonder back up to my almost done sandwich. Soon i'd start on my sugar cookies.

 

It was the best part, the sweet taste of sugar in my mouth.

 

Twice the sugar, since it's the term sugar cookie.

 

 

I remember every christmas i'd shop with mom at the store to get sugar cookies.

 

It made the holidays better for us.

 

 

And when we couldn't find the pre-packaged sugar cookie mix, we'd make our own.

 

We'd get the ingredients and put them together.

 

 

But instead of using butter for the cookies, we'd switch it up every year.

 

 

Like coconut oil, margarine, and even avacado. The one we tried last year.

 

It came out all runny and green since we didn't add more flour to the mix.

 

 

But the batter tasted better instead of the cookie shape it didn't come out as.

 

Me and mom sat on the island, taking turns licking the spoon of batter until we were full.

 

 

That was one of the good days I remember, it was before she left again.

 

And I knew that she wouldn't be back for a while.

 

 

My fingers curl at one sugar cookie. I bit my lip as I lift it up.

 

It glowed in the sunlight from the windows of the cafeteria.

 

 

I place it into my mouth as it melts into the taste of sweet nothing.

 

My smile starts to form again, but it goes back down as I continued to eat.

 

 

It tastes perfect, just like always.

 

I was glad to have some good thoughts during my time back in school again. 

 

It seemed to calm me down throughout the day.

 

 

Suddenly, my eyes search around the table as footsteps near. My heart begins to pace.

 

I knew who it was.

 

 

My head slighty ducks down so I couldn't see who it was.

 

But sure enough I knew exactly who it was from what I felt in that moment.

 

 

A cafeteria tray plasters onto the smooth brown wood table from where I sat at.

 

He sits just across from me as I focused on my last cookie.

 

 

My mouth grew short on a dry spell as I tried to breathe.

 

It was nothing, it was just a person.

 

 

A person who had something to do with me, and now it's into rotten pieces.

 

 

His fingers tap at the table as I watch and glimpse from a close distant.

 

It was the hands that I recognized, it was those careless hands that picked on guitars.

  

Those soft but calloused hands glimmered into the light as I stop chewing.

 

 

I was done eating, but I was still hungry for something.

 

My hands wrap around each other i nfront of me as I tried to hide my face.

 

From what I can probably tell, I looked like I didn't want to be bothered.

 

 

And maybe he took it as a sign I didn't want to talk either.

 

But sure enough, he didn't give up without a fight.

 

He always stayed.

 

 

I lick the last of the crumbs that stuck to my lips. I didn't dare look up to see his face.

 

Then, his hands finally leave where they stayed for a while.

 

He was probably smiling, cause when he does, his hands reach down to the ground.

 

 

Or just hang in the worthless air pointing down.

 

 

I didn't think of what to say or what my response was.

 

We had just passed by each other upstairs near my locker.

 

 

Was I suppose to say something, or was he?

 

 

I kept my head down steady anyways as I tried to ignore the pain from my neck.

 

I really needed to stop doing that, it was killing me.

 

 

He rustles around from what I caught in a glimpse.

 

When he finally stops moving, something rolls onto the table.

 

 

A small red apple stops near my lunch box and I look up a little.

 

I didn't see his face or what he was doing, but I saw the apple.

 

 

My right hand reached for it and there was no answer from me.

 

I grasp it prepared for him to stop my hand, but Tyler doesn't.

  

 

I removed the apple slowly from it's place and examined it.

 

 

It looked cleaned and nothing unpretentious about it. The dark red color stood out.

 

Both of my hands grip onto it as I shove it into my mouth, I take a bite as I sat back comfortable.

 

 

I didn't lean on the table anymore, I just sat up straight with my head down as usual.

 

I take a quick glance to see his shirt across from the table.

 

 

It was a rather dirty kind of white that didn't seem to fit his style.

 

The same old jean jacket he wore, was wrapped around him.

 

 

He was part of reason why I started to wear jean jackets more, since i've been here.

 

 

My eyes slowly gaze up from his mid-section.

 

My glasses lift with my head so I can see his lips again.

 

Then my eyes dart back down quickly.

 

 

I was not ready to face him again, even from a distance I couldn't look at his face.

 

I took bites from the dark red apple again.

 

 

I'm calm for a second as I continue to look down. And then thoughts start running in my head.

 

 

To be honest, I wanted to leave the table.

 

I wanted to finish lunch and work up the courage to leave.

 

 

I wanted Tyler to grab my attention again and make me listen to him.

 

I was hoping he'd do something to kill the quiet air between us.

 

 

But god knows Tyler and I couldn't fix it.

  

I was the first to say it, then he took the sign to agree.

 

 

I didn't mean it, but it still haunts me.

 

Even in those nights i'd lay awake in the ICU wondering if things are okay.

 

 

And now, it's just silence.

 

Like how it was with Ashley,....things just happen.

 

  

I sat still as my eyes finally gave up and slowy look up again.

 

He's patient and watching me.

 

 

I tried to rub the nap of my neck but I didn't. Even from bending my head down, it hurt so much.

 

 

And when my eyes finally met Tyler's, I couldn't move.

 

I was frozen, like chalk on a board.

 

 

I was sure put up there, but I couldn't wipe it off.

 

Just like chalk.

 

 

My hands stood still as the apple which was halfway near my mouth, sits into my palms.

 

My eyes search his as I tried to memorize what he did.

 

 

Tyler merely passed me an apple, he knew how much I liked apples.

 

Especially the red ones.

 

 

He knew all it took was one simple gesture and things would magically turn up for themselves.

 

But it didn't for long.

 

 

I soon grew tired of staring at him.

  

 

Then I finally went into the thought about what happened to us, what went down.

 

My mouth finally closes from the gap it opened earlier.

 

 

I hadn't realized how long I was staring, but I somehow brought myself back.

 

I lick my lips for a second as I place the apple down, near my lunch box.

 

 

Suddenly i'm not so hungry anymore.

 

 

I wanted to scream in that moment, I should have said something.

 

I should have done something instead of keeping my mouth shut.

 

 

I wanted to talk, to say anything.

 

But I didn't.

 

 

I slowly go to close my lunch box, as the abrupt moment I laid hands on it, Tyler stopped me.

 

I knew at some point he would.

 

 

Tyler wouldn't be able to keep his eyes off me for long. 

 

I look up from my lunch box as his eyes meet mine again.

 

 

This time I stared completely with no intention of looking back down.

 

His eyes glare back into mine.

 

 

The moment was silent as the cafeteria zoned out for a second, or maybe it was me.

 

Our hands just linger for a second as we both sat still.

 

 

The warm hands I wanted to deparately feel again, those hands that waved to me.

 

Tyler's hands that once wanted to be close to me.

 

 

I watch as his lips part to say something, but it went cold and dry.

 

No answer.

 

 

I was upset, I was really hoping he'd apologize. To say sorry and put everything behind us.

 

 

I finally look away to my lunch box and fully close it. He doesn't let go of my hands as I tried to remain calm.

 

 

''Alex.'' he says softly.

 

His voice sifts through my ears.

 

 

An eery ring of some sort flushed through them, it's dead quiet from what I hear.

 

I wanted to say something.

 

 

I look down to where his hands still held a grip on mine, I slowly begin to remove mine.

  

His are still on the table grasping at nothing but the sunlight shining on them.

 

While mine rush to my sides again.

 

 

I look up finally to face him again.

 

He looked a little disappointed, but I didn't do anything to make it better.

 

I was lost and out of place.

 

 

I was hard to understand, even for Tyler.

 

But I always kept my heart open, especially for him.

 

 

The bell finally rings as i'm brought back to the scene, the tables begin to clear.

 

Lunch was over.

 

 

I barely said a word to Tyler, and I already felt like a stupid girl.

 

Who knows if we'll ever talk again.

 

But at least he recognized me, he even said my name. And that made my heart flutter, but I ignored it.

 

 

I was just glad he noticed me. I was glad he knew me.

 

I was glad that he had finally saw the real Alex I wanted him to see today.

 

 

But I don't even know who I am anymore, even since the accident.

 

I've been wondering and I want him to remind me too.

 

  

And as that thought sinks in, I finally leave the table as Tyler stays seated. 

 

He looks as if he had seen a ghost.

 

 

The ghost of Alex's past I should infer.

 

 

My lunch box trails beneath my wrist as I make the slow walk back to math class.

 

Feeling tired and out of breath from the moment I left the table.

 

 

I turn around to take one look from the stairs leading up, I could feel and see him staring at me.

 

 

Tyler stands leaning on the door near the cafeteria, staring at me.

 

Nothing else other than that. His hands in his front pockets.

 

 

A knowingly look that meant he'd still see the real me, even if I didn't anymore.

 

There were no words from him.

 

It was even more weirder between us than I thought.

 

 

Was he going to speak again? Or just continue to stare till I love him back.

 

 

Truth is, I don't know what to do about us.

 

I don't even know if there is an us anymore.

 

 

I turn back so I can try to ignore the fact that he's staring at me.

 

Knowing that i'd come running back to him.

 

 

As my foot takes one leap for joy, the steps on the staircase seemed to be harder to climb.

 

I was carrying a heavy soul from that point.

 

 

I didn't know if I should consider talking back to Tyler or just not.

 

Forever.

 

 

 

The rest of the time in math class, I focused on what to say to Tyler.

 

 

Laying my head down on the cool desk as my eyes watched the numbers dance around on the screen, students made small talk as I continued to space out.

 

 

I'd rather be under deep sleep again.

 

But that's just a wish I don't need to make again.

 

Swim

 

The grass beneath my feet and