The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Sydney Smith was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations, and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this," said Mr. Smith. "Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente," was the reply. "Pray, sir, do you believe in a cook?" inquired Mr. Smith.
CDLXXXVI.—EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ——'S CONSISTENCY.Is surely nothing strange;
For no one yet could ever find
He'd any mind to change.
[Pg 105] CDLXXXVII.—A FAIR PROPOSAL.
"Why don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F—— to a boy struggling with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will hold my calf, I'll pull off my hat."
CDLXXXVIII.—A DOUBTFUL CREED.Judge Maule, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants, Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion—of what religion does not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of Christianity." Severe.
CDLXXXIX.—A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.A Scotch Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak' it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I think, mistress, a cheese in the ither en' wad mak' a gran' balance." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."
CDXC.—GOOD RIDDANCE.A certain well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and, addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health, gentlemen all, of the waiter that called my Lord —— out of the room."
CDXCI.—CALCULATION.Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
Quoth Jack, "You're ten, if I speak true;
She 's one and you're a cipher."
[Pg 106] CDXCII.—GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.
When that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of dese, give me the man wid de dying speech," meaning Mr. Adams, who was then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.
CDXCIII.—SLEEPING ROUND.The celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it, John?"—"Very wet, sir."—"Any mullet in the market?"—"No, sir."—"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the ennui of a dull day.
CDXCIV.—AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS."I suppose," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that you think me a humbug?"—"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that you can discover a man's thoughts by your touch."
CDXCV.—NOT SO EASY.A certain learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was advised by the Court not to show temper, but to show cause.
CDXCVI.—A POINT.Pope was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the young gentleman look at it." Upon which[Pg 107] the officer took up the manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a note of interrogation?"—"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow, with a look of great contempt, "is a little crooked thing that asks questions."
CDXCVII.—THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.One asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth," quoth the other, "because scholars are so poor that they have not a sovereign amongst them."
CDXCVIII.—CHALLENGING A JURY.An Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant, was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom he objected, he might legally challenge them. "Faith, and so I will," replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will challenge every man of them."
CDXCIX.—WALPOLIANA.When Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father, they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"—"Well," replied the Bishop, "and what is that to you?"—"Nay, nothing; only if you had told me, I would have powdered my hair."
A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his mouth was very sore.
After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd, whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the cambric bill;" which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not ruffled."
D.—MINDING HIS BUSINESS.Murphy was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning: "Indeed, master, it's because of taking[Pg 108] your own advice, always to attind to what I'm about; so whenever I sleeps, I pays attintion to it."
DI.—PENCE TABLE.A schoolboy going into the village without leave, his master called after him, "Where are you going, sir?"—"I am going to buy a ha'porth of nails."—"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"—"For a halfpenny," replied the urchin.
DII.—SATISFACTION.Lord William Poulat was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"—"Oh! my Lord," said the person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me you did not write the book."
DIII.—A SAFE APPEAL.A physician once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or neglect."—"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know, doctor, dead men tell no tales."
DIV.—A CAUTIOUS LOVER."When I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and signed every letter to my love,—'Yours, without prejudice!'"—D.J.
DV.—THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.A wag, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it, saying, "There, I give you the scabbard back again."[Pg 109]
DVI.—TOUCHING.When Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like a father."—"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you like a child."
DVII.—THE COLLEGE BELL!At a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each gentleman should toast his favorite Belle. When it came to the turn of Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the quorum) to be called on for the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave, "The College Bell!" Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri!
DVIII.—FRENCH LANGUAGE.When some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of a language which has but one word for liking and loving, and puts a fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:—J'aime Julie; J'aime un gigot!"
DIX.—EPIGRAM.(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)
And I'm to believe him inclined;
For by the confession, the elf
Admits that he's out of his mind.
DX.—CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.
A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?"—"Please, sir," said the favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell."—"Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning[Pg 110] to the other, "what have you to say?"—"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I—I—was waiting to see Tom off!"
DXI.—ANTICIPATION.Lord Avondale, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ——" "O, my goodness!—he killed the child!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord, the calf; but you will always anticipate."
DXII.—THE BEST JUDGE.A lady said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:—
"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."—"No, I think not," replied the husband.
"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them ought to know."
DXIII.—THE RIVALS.A good story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs. The dramatis personæ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian, and an eminent French physician,—the historian and doctor being rivals in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la guérirai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle, I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]
DXIV.—DEAD LANGUAGE.Among the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who had previously filled the office of[Pg 111] Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, feu Lord Maire de Londres," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having translated the word "late" into "feu," which we need hardly state means "dead."
DXV.—WALPOLIANA.Sir John Germain was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy to Sir Matthew Decker, as the author of St. Matthew's Gospel.
Churchill (General C——, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me, too?"—"No, Charles," replied he, "you break fast enough of yourself!" Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?
Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity, Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his company; that he never heard so much heathenish talk in his days. Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said before him, that the soul was only a little glue.
DXVI.—A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.A clergyman, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next Sunday."—"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ——, what became of you? we expected you to preach to-day."—"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my preaching to-day."—"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you from preaching."
DXVII.—EPIGRAM.(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)
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