The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
Book online «The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗». Author Mark Lemon
Serjeant Whitaker, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm. "Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it did every bit as well."
DLXXXV.—SEEING A CORONATION.A sad mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner, indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this tête-à-tête the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have your wish." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.
DLXXXVI.—HOOK'S POLITENESS.Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow to the flowers."[Pg 128]
DLXXXVII.—ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT Boulogne TURNED, BY DESIGN OR ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.Napoleon takes his place:
His back still turned upon that land
That never saw his face.
DLXXXVIII.—OLD TIMES.
A gentleman in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile, replied, "Look among the robberies."
DLXXXIX.—AN ARCADIAN.A lazy fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this was called work, and well paid!"
DXC.—JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.In spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank, his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see, madam, wherever you go there are no seats to be got."
DXCI.—ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT."We row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold. This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only. Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we do row in the same boat, but with very different skulls."
DXCII.—A GENUINE IRISH BULL.Sir Boyle Roche said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much greater."[Pg 129]
DXCIII.—THE RULING PASSION.In the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned out poor George.
DXCIV.—EPIGRAM.(On ——'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)
Which is to me a mystery profound;
He leaves the circuit! he, of whom they say,
That he delights in constant turning round.
DXCV.—SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.
Dignum and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's comedy, Measure for Measure!"
DXCVI.—DEGENERACY.There had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their ain feet."
DXCVII.—WORTHY OF CREDIT.A gentleman was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."—"Please your honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the credit I give in that way."[Pg 130]
DXCVIII.—PAYING IN KIND.A farmer, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed, as I have some like them in my yard."—"That's very likely," said the farmer; "these are not the only ducks of the same sort I've had stolen lately."
DXCIX.—VERY SERIOUS.A regular physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling, neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by mistake, taken some of my own pills."
DC.—THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.Mr. Philip Thicknesse, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters, "Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip Thicknesse, father of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and the board was removed.
DCI.—DELICATE HINT.Queen Caroline, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters, says, "My better half, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."
DCII.—A SCOTCH MEDIUM.After giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been 'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."—"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy, with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a smell o' speerits amang us this mornin'!"[Pg 131]
DCIII.—EPIGRAM.Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
The watch kept time; and if time will away,
I see no reason why the watch should stay.
You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.
DCIV.—PERFECT DISCONTENT.
An old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."
DCV.—A BAD BARGAIN.A man bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I should be in your debt for the remainder; how can that be if I pay it?"
DCVI.—A PIOUS MINISTER.If it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example to their inferiors, the E—— of R——, in his observance of one of the commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do no manner of work.
DCVII.—STERNE.Some person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne; "but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not deal in scruples."[Pg 132]
DCVIII.—WHO'S THE FOOL?Mr. Sergeant Parry, in illustration of a case, told the following anecdote:—
Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he, moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied, "Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who will never come back."—"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"—"Then I shall erase your name and insert theirs."
DCIX.—COLD COMFORT.A juryman, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O, tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."
DCX.—A GREAT DIFFERENCE."The friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided into two very distinct classes,—the a-bility and the no-bility."
DCXI.—OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.King James had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called Ignoramus, an ingenious thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one Sleep made him wake, and in Oxford one Wake made him sleep.
DCXII.—INQUEST—NOT EXTRAORDINARY.And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
[Pg 133] A jury sat, and found the verdict plain—
"She died of milk and water on the brain."
DCXIII.—STRANGE JETSUM.
A thin old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was wrecked hereabout somewhere."
DCXIV.—THE TRUTH AT LAST.A good instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at Wit."
DCXV.—A PILL GRATIS.A person desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance, said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."—"Very likely," remarked his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to employ you in that capacity?"
DCXVI.—RATHER HARD.We are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have found it hard to have been assailed with his own constituents.
DCXVII.—SCOTCH PENETRATION.An old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my ain groats in ither folk's kail?"
DCXVIII.—A QUESTION OF TIME.When Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop[Pg 134] of Canterbury, he was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will excuse me this fault, I promise, if I live, to mend it."
DCXIX.—EPIGRAM.(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)
Proceed, as everybody owns;
And thus they prove the poet's art,
Who says that "sermons are in stones."
DCXX.—CONCURRENT EVENTS.
A
Comments (0)