The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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Sir Charles Wager always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days, he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no other nation would stand beating for two days together."
Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost; he asked whether the copy had been taken before the original was lost, or after!
This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an oyster speak as well twenty times."
DLIII.—NOT POLITE.Mr. P——, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want of head, by demanding a poll.
DLIV.—EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.A case of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that he was drunk when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such[Pg 120] a thing when he was drunk, what might he not have done when he was sober?" evidently implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful one, was a condition of intoxication.
DLV.—ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.
DLVI.—CONFIDENCE.
The first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to him:—
"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
Jerrold.—"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."
DLVII.—LADY ANNE.At Portsmouth, during the representation of Richard the Third, on Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here," Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they were battle-axes (basilisks) to strike thee dead."
DLVIII.—NICE LANGUAGE.A man being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing bowels?"—"Yes, sir."—"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"—"Yes, sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it a wren's stomach?"
DLIX.—UNPOETICAL REPLY.A hardy seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over him. He replied, "Wet, ma'am,—very wet."[Pg 121]
DLX.—IMITATION OF A COW.Mr. James Boswell, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr. Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would confine myself to the cow."
DLXI.—TAKING HIS MEASURE.A conceited packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"—"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for we aye think the selvidge is the wakest bit o' the wab!"
DLXII.—THURLOW AND PITT.When the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he draws, but he has not refused his oats yet."
DLXIII.—EPIGRAM.(On Lord ——'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to excessive gout.)
I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
Since two members attached to his person through life,
Have, on recent occasions, refused to support him.
DLXIV.—A HAPPY MAN.
Lord M—— had a very exalted opinion of his own[Pg 122] cleverness, and once made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish thing, I always burst out a laughing!"—"I envy you your happiness, my lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the merriest life of any man in Europe."
DLXV.—VULGAR ARGUMENTS.At a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table, and roared at his adversary:—
"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"
The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:—
"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"
Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung the bell, and shouted:—
"Waiter, spittoons for two!"
DLXVI.—A CLEAR CASE.Mr. Justice Maule would occasionally tax the powers of country juries. Ex. gr. "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law, there is some evidence upon that point; but he's a lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by some evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be some evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. —— means in this case." Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?[Pg 123]
DLXVII.—THE LATIN FOR COLD.A schoolmaster asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment, although I have it at my fingers' ends."
DLXVIII.—PIECE DE RESISTANCE."Do come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."—"O my dear fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very same I should have had at home, barrin' the beef."
DLXIX.—LAMB AND ERSKINE.Counsellor Lamb, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."—"No wonder," replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a lamb grows, the more sheepish he becomes."
DLXX.—TRUE WIT.Dug from Golconda's mine;
Which boasts two various powers in one,
To cut as well as shine.
Genius, like that, if polished right,
With the same gifts abounds;
Appears at once both keen and bright,
And sparkles while it wounds.
DLXXI.—ORDER! ORDER!
A barrister opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ——, you would put your facts in some order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any order you like—alphabetical order."[Pg 124]
DLXXII.—THEATRICAL WIT.Hatton, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and particularly in the part of Jack Junk, was one night at Gosport, performing the character of Barbarossa. In the scene where the tyrant makes love to Zapphira, and reminds her of his services against the enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy of tragedy—
By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
From Egypt's shores?"
The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the actor with three rounds of applause.
DLXXIII.—THE CUT DIRECT.A gentleman having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator "how he would have it done?"—"If possible," replied the gentleman, "in silence."
DLXXIV.—BUSY BODIES.A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir."—"What are you doing?"—"Nothing, sir."—"Is Tom there?"—"Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?"—"Helping Will, sir."
DLXXV.—THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.When the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to hear the representative of Young Marlow play it as an Irishman. As soon as Marlow came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir," replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in which you instructed[Pg 125] me, except that I did not give it quite so strong a brogue."
DLXXVI.—THE FORCE OF HABIT.A toping bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W. Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How will you have it?" replied, "Cold, without sugar."
DLXXVII.—NOTICE TO QUIT.An Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"
Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound. "Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift their quarters."
DLXXVIII.—A LITERAL JOKE.Lord Eldon always pronounced the word lien as though it were lyon; and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word lean. On this Jekyll wrote the following epigram:—
By saying the Chancellor's lion is lean?
D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
That nothing within it will ever get fat?"
DLXXIX.—AN ARGUMENT.
By nature meant the soil to share,
I'll quickly make you understand;
For can we not deduct with ease,
That nature has designed the seas
Expressly to divide the land?"
DLXXX.—THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.
During the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the University of Cambridge, he was called[Pg 126] in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend into the patient's stomach with a candle and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to name the complaint."
DLXXXI.—ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.King Henry VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying, "Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go near to cost him his life."—"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen Frenchmen now in my power."—"But of all these heads," replied the nobleman, "there may not be one to fit my shoulders."
DLXXXII.—KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.The great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself, saying, "He could not afford to keep a conscience."
DLXXXIII.—DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.A tradesman having dunned a customer for
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