The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗
- Author: Mark Lemon
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The seeming mystery—his wit is strained.
[Pg 112] DXVIII.—A NICE DISTINCTION.
"What is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a form, but you stand upon ceremony."
DXIX.—LATE DINNER.Some one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till to-morrow."
DXX.—AN OLD JOKE.Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver—
"You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
"Alas!" cried the Fair on his left—"to what use?
For you never saw either served up with a goose!"
DXXI.—TIME WORKS WONDERS.
A gentleman dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman, "Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"—"Yes, sir."—"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how you have grown!"
DXXII.—A NOVEL IDEA."Morrow's Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the piety of certain ladies here. They go to Day for a sermon and to Morrow for a novel!"
DXXIII.—THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.A man was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the[Pg 113] pleader referred in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a name by describing it as "an initial."—"Yes," retorted the judge, "but it does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial letter."
DXXIV.—LOSING AN I.A man being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much impropriety; and at last saying the word curosity, a counsellor exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"—"Nay," returned another, "he has only knocked an I out."
DXXV.—DRIVING IT HOME.The late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed, and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't into me, and ye're just duntin't out o' me."
DXXVI.—THE EMPTY GUN.And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
"Don't cock your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
"Fear not—his head's not charged," a friend replies.
DXXVII.—A PIECE OF PLATE.
A young actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening called him into the green-room, and[Pg 114] addressed him to this effect: "Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your acceptance of a small piece of plate." It was, beyond all question, a very small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!
DXXVIII.—EPISCOPAL SAUCE.At a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host, "Mr. ——!" There was silence. "Mr. ——, what is the proper female companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an answer came, "Anne Chovy."
DXXIX.—A GOOD CRITIC.A friend of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have a master very difficult to please?"—"Who?"—"Myself."
DXXX.—WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.Wilkes, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied, with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of mine; the fellow was a Wilkite, which your Majesty knows I never was."
DXXXI.—A SLIGHT ERUPTION.A person came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"—"What has happened, man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken out."—"Where? where?"—"In the Isle of Man."—"In the Isle of Man," repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"
DXXXII.—SMOKING AN M.P.An honorable member, speaking about the tax on tobacco, somewhat ludicrously called for certain returns.[Pg 115]
DXXXIII.—A TIMELY REPROOF.A young chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of to-day I never heard before."—"O, my lord!" said the flattered chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said anything new on the subject."—"I heard the clock strike twice," said Lord Mulgrave.
DXXXIV.—REPROOF."I can't find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to work for it."
DXXXV.—A SATISFACTORY REASON.Mr. Alexander, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony. "You are a builder, I believe?"—"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an architect!"—"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they are much the same, I suppose?"—"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit that: I consider them to be totally different!"—"O, indeed! perhaps you will state wherein this great difference consists?"—"An architect, sir, prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the specifications,—in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,—the architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it going!"—"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"—"There was no architect, sir, and hence the confusion!"
DXXXVI.—THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.In a long tête-à-tête with his dame,
[Pg 116] While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
About giving their villa a name.
A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
Stole out, half an hour after dark,
Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
And wrote on the palings,—"Hide Park!"
DXXXVII.—AN ABSENT MAN.
A conceited young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O, my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not missed."
DXXXVIII.—A DOUBLE KNOCK.On Dr. K——'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish government will not be able to stand many more such Knocks Down as this!"
DXXXIX.—A PROPER RETORT.A certain dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B——, who is not such a fool as he looks."—"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great difference between me and my friend."
DXL.—FORAGING.During the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it was said to be part of the stage directions,—"Enter the Red Coat: Exeunt Hat and Cloak."
DXLI.—ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.He happened to tread on a very small pig:
"Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
For surely thou art an abridgment of Bacon."
[Pg 117] DXLII.—UNKIND.
"Pray, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of discretion."
DXLIII.—DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.The motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, Non rapui sed recepi ["I did not steal it, but I received it"]. This being shown to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The receiver is as bad as the thief."
DXLIV.—EPIGRAM.(On ——'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).
Things base or mean, I must confess
I'd very freely take my oath,
Self-love's a fault he don't possess.
DXLV.—ELOQUENT SILENCE.
"You have already read that section four times, Mr. ——," said Maule to a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ——, I use no epithet, it is iteration;" his look implying the anathema.
DXLVI.—KEEPING A PROMISE."Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
I know thy fortune is but very scant,
But never will I see my friend in want."
Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
He kept his word,—in want he ne'er would see him!
DXLVII.—NAVAL ORATORY.
When Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a[Pg 118] mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men signed a round robin, wherein they declared that they would not fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:—I'll clap you alongside the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil himself will not be able to keep you from it." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten times over.
DXLVIII.—VERSE AND WORSE.Among a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles, it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing. Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At length the wittiest among them thus ended the contest:—
Excuse me, if I just step home;
Two lines already!—be not cru'l,
Consider, honeys,—I'm a fool.
There's four lines!—now I'll gain the fowls,
With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."
DXLIX.—THE IRON DUKE.
It is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a sovereign, which he probably would have done had he at the time refused to take no change. The Reform Bill was under consideration.
DL.—CLEAR THE COURT.An Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye blackguards that isn't lawyers, must lave the coort."[Pg 119]
DLI—SCOTCH CAUTION.An old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I hae been a gude wife to you, John."—"O, just middling, just middling, Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke o' Glasgow."—"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly, "we'll just pit you in the Gorbals first, and
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