The Jest Book<br />The Choicest Anecdotes and Sayings by Mark Lemon (christmas read aloud TXT) 📗

So great thy art, that while we viewed,
Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
We caught the Spartan fortitude,
And saw their woes without a tear!
DCLII.—WILKES AND A LIBERTY.

So ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door, "Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.

DCLIII.—A STRANGE OBJECTION.

A great drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert. "Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my wine in pills!"

DCLIV.—THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.

It's a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant, doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon us!—D.J.

DCLV.—MAKING A CLEARANCE.

At Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the bowl to be introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a toast, "The trade of Glasgow and the outward bound;" the hint was taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.

DCLVI.—A SMART ONE-POUNDER.

While the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of Polly, expressed a wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must sing, 'The Miser thus a Guinea sees.'"[Pg 144]

DCLVII.—RESIGNATION.

An actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command success, We'll do more, Sempronius—we'll deserve it," heaved a deep sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more, Sempronius,—we'll do without it."

DCLVIII.—DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.

Delpini had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre Delpini, I must go to your papa's bench."

DCLIX.—A PHONETIC JOKE.

A little girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c., having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating him to Zeidlitz powders.

DCLX.—PURE FOLKS.

Very pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.

DCLXI.—GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.

We have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the following piece of intelligence: "Yarn has risen one farthing a pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.—G. a'B.

DCLXII.—JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.

Westmacott, of the Age paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice done him, a person[Pg 145] present remarked, "That has been done already." A similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.

DCLXIII.—KITCHENER AND COLMAN.

The most celebrated wits and bon vivants of the day graced the dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, inter alia, the late George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment, "Come at seven, go it at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret was punished accordingly.

DCLXIV.—A SPARE MAN.

Jerrold said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without the head or the point."

DCLXV.—A LONG BILL.

When Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It should have been Woodcock, by the length of your bill!"

DCLXVI.—ROYAL PUN.

When a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit, his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at the main, Admiral! white at the main!"

DCLXVII.—A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

Two silly brothers, twins, who were very much about[Pg 146] town in Theodore Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as like as two peas."—"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as green."

DCLXVIII.—SPRANGER BARRY.

This celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of Romeo, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of the public by performing Romeo himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when Juliet in soliloquy exclaims, "O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" an auditor archly replied, aloud, "Because Barry has gone to the other house."

DCLXIX.—BAD SPORT.

Mr. Hare, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you Fox hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?"

DCLXX.—MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

The amiable Mrs. W—— always insists that her friends who take grog shall mix equal quantities of spirits and water, though she never observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it As you like it?"—"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is Measure for Measure."[Pg 147]

DCLXXI.—A PROBABILITY.

Jonathan and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state now-a-days—an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see that, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just mentioned; "and now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"—"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

DCLXXII.—LEGAL ADULTERATION.

Several publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into our barrels that I know of, but the exciseman's stick."

DCLXXIII.—VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.