Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen Bogle (e book reader android txt) 📗

was common during college. Instead, many alumni suggested that they often went out socially only one night per week because they were too tired to go out two nights in a row. The point is that this change in lifestyle leads to a change in attitude about what is appropriate behavior. James, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, mentioned how people had an entirely different mentality during college.

KB: Do people that you know that are completely out of college still hook up?

James: Randomly? Not really.

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KB: Why do you think that doesn’t happen anymore?

James: I don’t know. People change when they get out of college.

Everything is just “whatever” in college. Anything goes.

KB: So . . . people think of it differently postcollege?

James: Yeah.

After college, there is a markedly more conservative mentality, especially with regard to interaction with the opposite sex. For example, two male alumni, both of whom had been heavily immersed in fraternity life, drinking, and the extremes of the hookup culture during college, spoke of the importance of being polite and respectful of women now that they are out of college. Their responses in other portions of their interviews made it clear that exhibiting courteous behavior toward women was the furthest thing from their minds during their college days. Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed how a man should behave when he takes a girl on a date: “I think the gentleman should be very polite on the date, I think it should be a little more formal. Obviously, it gets a little more informal as [the relationship] goes on. But as you’re learning about someone, you want to mind your p’s and q’s.” Stephen, a 27-year-old alumnus of State University, also shared his perspective on dating. “You have to put more effort in now [that you are out of college] . . . [if] I am going to take this girl out to dinner and have a good time and spend two hours of my night with her, then obviously I am interested in her and I want to pursue things with her . . . you are more respectful also, more respectful of women [than during college].”

Another major factor contributing to the demise of the hookup script after college is a change in relationship goals for both men and women. Many of the college women I interviewed indicated they did not plan to marry until at least their mid-twenties; for college men it was late twenties or early thirties. Thus, during college there was plenty of time to “play the field” without engaging in a serious marriage-bound relationship. After college, both men and women start to get closer to the age when they would like to marry. As a result, they are increasingly looking for relationships with marriage potential. According to alumni, hooking up was not a good way to find “the one” (i.e., the person he or she will marry). Clark, a 25-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed how people cannot find a “quality” relationship by hooking up; therefore, he chose to go on dates instead.

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KB: Why does everyone abandon [the hookup system after college]?

Clark: I don’t know. [After college] you are looking for more [of a]

relationship. I know this person, I can trust them, I can share things. If I have a bad day, they will listen to me, those kinds of concepts. Meeting someone in a bar, buying them drinks, getting them drunk and hooking up in your car, there is no quality there at all. You don’t even know if that is their real name they gave you. . . . As you get older, you . . . want something more solid.

Other alumni echoed Clark’s sentiments. Alumni did not believe that hooking up was conducive to finding “solid” relationships and a potential marriage partner. Twenty-four-year-old Will, who graduated from Faith University, said that “after college you are possibly looking for that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with so I think it’s a long process [of dating] until you actually realize if that is the person you want [to marry].” Thus, with the campus environment no longer in place, hooking up breaks down after college. Alumni no longer exclusively socialize in close proximity with “familiar” people of similar backgrounds. They also largely shift out of party mode and, with marriage more imminent, a formal dating script emerges.

HOW DATING HAPPENS

Dating is different than hooking up in many ways. The hookup calls for sexual activity from the outset, while dating is a process of getting to know someone en route to potential sexual interaction. Additionally, the goal of forming a romantic relationship takes on greater significance for both men and women. Although formal dating was not something alumni practiced in college, the dating script they followed after graduation encompassed a host of traditional customs.4 According to alumni, the man generally was the one to ask the woman for her phone number. In other words, the man initiated the date by first asking for the phone number and then following up with a phone call to ask for a date. Shana, a 25-year-old alumnus of Faith University, recounted a typical scenario for how two people meet and end up going on a date. “I met him that night and nothing happened, nothing physical, we danced on the dance floor; that was it. He asked for my

[phone] number, called a couple days later. We went to a concert.” ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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Several men I spoke to, 25-year-old alumnus Will of Faith University among them, mentioned that women prefer the man to be the one to initiate the date.

KB: And as far as getting phone numbers, is there a typical way

[it works]?

Will: [Laughs] I would say 75 to