Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen Bogle (e book reader android txt) 📗

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There is still a sexual double standard after college. However, sexual behavior is being evaluated by the two individuals on the date, rather than by the group (i.e., the inhabitants of the college campus). As in college, it is women’s sexual behavior that receives the closest scrutiny and there are consequences for those who violate the sexual norms deemed appropriate for the dating script. The men I spoke with said they would not be interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman who was too sexually aggressive, particularly on the first date.

James: I went out one time with a person, it was happy hour and we went to another place [together] and [then] I took her home.

She asked me to come in for a drink and I came in for a drink and then it progressed a little more and I was out [of there].

KB: Why?

James: Uhhh.

KB: You thought she was trying to get too physical?

James: I didn’t think she was like that first of all. You should see this girl at work, she is quiet and like all about her work. But outside of work she is totally different. It took me by surprise. I kind of weirded-out and left. [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Apparently, James was under the impression that the woman he worked with was “not that kind of girl.” Thus, he was surprised that she initiated more than a kiss on their first encounter. This norm violation meant the first encounter would be the last. Similarly, Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed a situation where a woman was very aggressive with him on the first date. Unlike James, Jake engaged in sexual intercourse with the woman, but was never able to think of her as a potential relationship partner.

KB: Have you ever had a girl, postcollege, be aggressive with you?

Jake: Yeah. Yes I have.

KB: How did that work?

Jake: It was after dinner and we are sitting in the car and it was right out in front of the place and she jumped over the car seat and she started . . . sticking her tongue down my throat.

It was pretty cool actually. It was a surprise. Yeah.

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KB: [Laugh] So, did you go out on another date with her?

Jake: Oh yeah.

KB: Did that become a relationship?

Jake: No. But it did turn into sex; let me put it that way.

KB: Do you remember how many dates before it turned into sex?

Jake: It was the first date.

KB: Oh, it turned into sex that night?

Jake: Yeah.

KB: In the car?

Jake: Yes.

KB: What did you think of this girl, positively or negatively, [you said] it was kind of a surprise that she did that. Was [it] a good surprise?

Jake: Well, let’s put it this way. It was good . . . from a physical standpoint, but that’s all I saw her as from that point on, as

[something physical]. I never took it serious[ly].

KB: Do you think she was in it for the sex or do you think she wanted you to be her boyfriend?

Jake: No, she wanted some sort of relationship. But, [oh well].

KB: So how did that end?

Jake: It just fizzled out. I just stopped calling [her].

Other men voiced similar concerns about women who were too

“forward” or “put out” too much, too soon.

KB: You said that you would not try [to initiate] . . . something too sexual in the beginning if you wanted [to pursue] some sort of relationship. Suppose the girl were to try for something more sexual in the beginning. Would that actually deter you from being interested in her?

Will: Absolutely. . . . Again, I don’t know who would make the first move . . . but I think that a girl that is too . . . what is the word?

KB: Forward?

Will: Yeah. A girl [that] is too forward . . . guys don’t like that kind of personality. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Twenty-eight-year-old alumnus of State University Matthew put it even more bluntly: “I would never, ever date a girl I banged on the first ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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night. Never! Ever! Ever! ” [emphasis by interviewee, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University].

The men I spoke with were also concerned about their dates’ sexual history. Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, discussed his concern about the number of a woman’s past sexual partners. Interestingly, Jake says that some women are unwilling to reveal that information.

KB: What about for a girl that you would be interested in. Would you have any expectation of what their [sexual] past would be or what you would find acceptable?

Jake: What age are we talking about here? How old is the girl?

KB: Well, let’s say she is your age.

Jake: If she is 28, less than [the number of fingers on] two hands.

If she’s in double digits [I would be concerned].

KB: Is that something you would normally talk about with a girl at some point, sexual history?

Jake: Of course. I always like to bring that up. Sometimes they will talk about it, sometimes they won’t. Actually, now that I think about it . . . the girl I am with now . . . declined to answer that question.

Similarly, Matthew, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, expressed concerns about a woman’s sexual past. Matthew’s concerns were particularly interesting when juxtaposed with his own sexual past.

KB: Are you curious when you first become interested in someone, what their sexual past is?

Matthew: Sure, for very practical reasons. You never know what you are going to get out there [in terms of sexually transmitted diseases].

KB: If there was no such thing as STD’s, would you [still] care

[about their sexual past]? . . . If previous number of sexual partners came up, is there a number a girl could tell