Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen Bogle (e book reader android txt) 📗

80 percent of the time the girl wants the guy to call; the girl wants the ball to be in the guy’s court.

According to the alumni I spoke to, the entire date follows a fairly traditional format. Not only do men initiate the date, but they also generally drive unless the woman suggests meeting somewhere. Once the man picks the woman up at her home or apartment, the two generally go to a public place, such as a restaurant or movie theater. When the check comes, it is generally the man who pays.

KB: When you say you take people out on dates and you said you would say: “I’d like to take you out,” [then] do you pick them up [and] do you pay [for whatever you do on the date]? Is it kind of traditional?

Stephen: Yeah.

KB: Is that what it is always like?

Stephen: In my eyes, yeah. I can’t speak for all men but if I ask somebody out, I expect to pick them up, unless they want to meet

[out somewhere]. . . . [Sometimes] they feel more comfortable meeting because some women prefer that. But other than that, I expect to pick up the bill and I wouldn’t ask her to go out and then have her pay, [that’s] not my style. [27-year-old alumnus of State University]

Although the man generally pays for the date, sometimes the woman will offer to split the check or she will offer to pay for part of the date. For instance, the man pays for dinner and then the woman offers to pay for a movie. However, most alumni indicated that even if the woman offers to pay for something, the man will usually insist on paying for everything himself.

Claudia: Usually they insist on paying. I always offer money though. I just feel like . . . [if] I know they don’t earn a lot of money [then I should offer to pay for something]. I always 140

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make an offer and I am usually shot down. [Laughs] [25-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

Jake, a 28-year-old alumnus of State University, confirmed this.

KB: So, you [said that you] call and ask them out to dinner and then do you drive, do you pay, how does that work?

Jake: I am old-fashioned. I take care of it all.

KB: Do they usually offer to pay?

Jake: Some have. I say, “Are you nuts?” KB: Is that typical of people you know, that the guy would pay?

Jake: I am more old-fashioned. Some girls will go: “Let’s split it.” But I think the girls today still want the guy to treat them to dinner. They may say: “Let’s go dutch,” but . . .

KB: They are thinking: “You pay.” [Laughs]

Jake: Exactly. [Emphasis by interviewee]

Despite men and women being immersed in a decidedly nontradi-tional, hookup culture during college, the postcollege environment facilitates a radically different, yet traditional, type of behavior. After college, men seemed to interact with the opposite sex as one might expect their grandfathers would have done.5 In addition to some of the obvious indicators of traditional dating (i.e., the man initiating the date, driving, and paying), men also exhibited other signs of chivalrous behavior. For instance, several alumni mentioned that men hold doors open for their date or open the car door on the passenger’s side to see the woman safely to her seat. By their own admission, chivalrous behavior was not something exhibited by these same men during their college years. Interestingly, many men suggested they behaved in a traditional way during a date because they personally were “old-fashioned.” However, given that alumni across the board indicated that they behaved this way, it is apparently not as unique as they believed.

Rather, men were playing their part.

SEXUAL EXPECTATIONS

It is not surprising that the men and women I interviewed were already familiar with the dating script upon leaving college. Since the dating ll I F E A F T E R C O ll ll E G E

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era, “the date” has been a part of our culture, portrayed in movies and on television for decades. Recently, HBO’s popular comedy series Sex & the City followed the dating exploits of four thirty-something single women in New York City. The show’s depiction of the contemporary dating culture is one where there are virtually no rules. The characters are highly sexually active: they frequently have sex on the first date or go home from bars with strange men. This scenario makes for good entertainment, but its accuracy is questionable. Recent college graduates paint a much tamer picture of the dating scene. The people I spoke to were not only wary of strangers, but regarding first dates, they were very clear: anything more than a goodnight kiss was totally inappropriate.

KB: What would physically happen on a date, okay [let’s] say you didn’t just meet [the girl], you already met and [then]

you went on a date. Do you kiss at the end of the date? Do you have to wait until the second date?

Clark: I don’t think there is a standard for those kinds of things. I have gotten a kiss goodnight; I have given a kiss goodnight.

Never more than that on a first date. . . . [On the] third date, probably [things] get a little more physical. But definitely not the first time you go out. The first time you went out, if you had a good time, I’d hope to get a kiss goodnight.

KB: You say “get a” as though they would give it to you.

Clark: Oh, I would probably instigate it and hopefully she would accept. [25-year-old alumnus of State University]

KB: What about [what happens] physically at the end of the night. Did you ever get physical with someone at the end of a date?

Carol: I would just kiss them goodbye before I got out of the car.

[24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

State University alumnus Jake, 28 years old, agreed with Clark and Carol.

KB: What about the end