Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus by Kathleen Bogle (e book reader android txt) 📗

Jake: Usually I will just kiss them goodnight and that is it. I don’t expect anything else.

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KB: And why is that?

Jake: Because if you were too aggressive then you are wasting your time because they are going to be turned off. But I don’t know; it’s not going to work, [you should] take things slower.

Alumni stressed how important it is to “get to know” someone before anything sexual happens. To this end, many suggested that it is not only common for nothing sexual to happen on the first date, but even on the first few dates. This represents an abrupt change from the norms of the hookup script. In college, students indicated that it was permissible to go home with someone that you had never dated, or in some cases never met, and engage in a sexual encounter. Suddenly, the same people who hooked up in college now believe men and women should find out more about each other before anything sexual happens. However, if the two parties are going to continue dating, things must escalate sexually at some point, but when? Although their answers varied, the consensus seemed to be “the later, the better.” KB: Do you remember how far into your relationship with your fiancé you guys slept together?

Carol: Six or seven months . . . I don’t think there is any right time to have sex or not to have sex. I think a month or two is really soon. I don’t think you really know someone well then. But then some people might think six months isn’t [a long time, either]. It depends also on how often you see and talk to the person. If you are seeing someone for six months but you see them every other weekend and talk to them three times a week, I don’t think that you know that person as well as someone [who] talks to each other every day on the phone and sees them three times a week. . . . I think that [at] six months we had met each other’s family. . . . [By then] I felt like I had known him for much longer than six months. And so I think that if you really know someone, I can only [have sexual intercourse] with someone if I can tell them everything.

KB: Did you feel like it was both of your decisions to wait until the six month mark or he was ready and you decided when?

Carol: I think it was more that I did decide when, but he never tried to get me to [have sexual intercourse] earlier. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]

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Clearly, alumni had not reverted back to the script of the dating era with regard to when sexual intercourse should occur. Most of the men and women I spoke with were not adhering to the guideline of waiting until marriage (or engagement) for sex. Instead, they made decisions about sex in light of more contemporary standards (i.e., premarital sex is expected). However, it should not be inferred from the excerpt from Carol that six months, or any other particular time frame, constitutes a norm for when sexual intercourse takes place in the postcollege dating scene. Rather, the point is that delaying sexual intercourse beyond the initial dating phase is regarded as the “right thing to do.” Raquel, a 24-year-old alumnus of State University, was also in a very serious relationship at the time of the interview. She was not engaged, but she was living with her boyfriend. Like Carol, she thought it was better to

“wait” before having sexual intercourse. However, Raquel’s version of how long to wait differed significantly from Carol’s.

KB: Do you remember with [your current boyfriend] when things escalated sexually?

Raquel: I made him wait a long time. I made him wait.

KB: So he wanted to [have sexual intercourse] before you [did]?

Raquel: Oh yeah, he did. He wanted to from the beginning, but I made him wait a long time. I made him wait like a couple months, which for me was a long time.

KB: Okay. When you say you made him wait, do you mean for intercourse?

Raquel: Yeah.

It was not only women who believed delaying sexual intercourse was the appropriate course of action. Will, a 24-year-old alumnus of Faith University, was also in a serious exclusive relationship at the time of the interview. In the excerpt below, Will discussed what he thinks is appropriate to do sexually on the first date and thereafter. Again, although there is no specific time dimension, waiting until the relationship progresses and both parties are on the “same page” seemed to be critically important.

KB: What do you think is appropriate to do with someone physically or sexually in the dating realm now that it is postcollege?

Do you have standards as to what you think is appropriate?

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Will: Umm. As far as a first date goes?

KB: Yeah.

Will: I think the first couple dates I wouldn’t even expect anything, after a kiss that’s it. All you do is kill yourself if it’s anything more than that. Why would you want to do that?

You are just getting to know the person. After college you are possibly looking for that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with so I think it’s a long process until you actually realize if that is the person you want and you get a good enough feeling that’s what she wants then it goes to the next level. And that could be months [or] that could be a year. For myself and for my girlfriend [just kissing] lasted a while.

KB: Just kissing?

Will: Yeah. I think any more would have hurt us and I don’t think I would be