She is the one by Asheslove (that summer book .TXT) 📗

Chapter 21

It's been five days since everything happened. I don't know when day rises and when it died. Everything around me appears silent, silent like a cemetery. Even when the rays of sun inside tell me it's morning, a new day for new start, the light which barge in whole day through window lighting the room yet all I could see around me is darkness which keep consuming me.

I didn't talk to anyone, not even left the room once, I ate food in the room instead of going down. Darla tried to make conversation with me but all I did was to ignore her looking out of window whole day or ask to leave me. 

I felt myself deteriorating and getting into depression, voices started echo and groan all around me with shadows and monsters, I kept my ears shut most of the day with my hands blabbering with myself whenever I hear voices around me. My strength, my courage, my power, my determination to escape this place all were drawn down and thumped inside me in cold fright. The fear which was stimulating me until now to escape from here, from him is now standing right in front of me and it make me go all numb.

Now I don't know whom I am more frightened from, I am hallucinating things all around me and he himself became a part of my hallucination for me. All the day I just sit curling my body up weeping and telling myself that these voices are not real. I know that I wanted to believe it but I can't shake the image of the bloodied man in my mind which everytime appears when I close my eyes to tell me what I did to him. He appears everytime whenever I tried to forget it and ignore it. I felt like mind my mind is becoming some kind of deadly disease. I didn't even take the shower, it was Nicolas who washed and scrubbed me without doing anything physical trying talking with me during giving me bath but I sat motinlessely in tub looking blankly whatever I see. I didn't stop him, neither do I talk because I can't help. After that he put my cloths on and left only to found me again where he left me. In the meantime I ate a little food maids brought me in room and after taking my meds stay same. Somewhere I saw him getting frustrated because he didn't understand what's wrong with me, he still keep saying I belong to him but I didn't snap back like before, actually I didn't even react, if it will be different like before I must would've laugh on my small victory but not now.

The fear, the horror, the pieces which took six years from me to put back together he shred all of them in once and the irony is that he don't even know. 

I am feeling like a dead person from inside, I am not feeling the spark, the fire which I used to held inside myself. All sources of my power, the push, he pulled them down and all I feel now is pure fear only. Fear of him, fear of my fear and fear of myself. I didn't look myself in mirror because I was scared of what I see, I will see just a murderer or monster who killed someone with hollowness and emptiness in my eyes.

I don't know what happened the night after my panic attack, I don't remember anything. All I remember is having a nightmare in which I was screaming and then hearing the voices which were trying to calm me, I don't know whether they were real or not but I heard them, I felt the warmth. 

Yesterday he came late at night. I was wide awake sitting on the bed with my body curled trembling in fear with my head down when he came but he didn't say anything, neither he tried to do anything physical. In fact he didn't try to do anything physical after my panic attack. He just removed his shirt and snaking his arms around me hugged me closer to his chest and with his head in the crook of my neck fall asleep. 

Although I hate this man but his closeness and warmth was comforting and slipping inside me wanting me to close my eyes and hide in his chest from my fear, from my demons which I think were following me but I didn't. 

I didn't let my mind slip in his comfort which truly I was craving and longing and he was giving but no. Not his, not from this monster. A big part of my mind knows the person sleeping besides me was nothing less than a beast, after all its him who's responsible for everything.

I ignored his warmth and decided to go against what I want and yearning for to hide from my fear. I kept my eyes open the whole night crying, thinking they were coming for me, and trying to hold my sobs and secret inside me because all I see was darkness and blood on me. I am in hell and the worst of all is that my fear do return but I can't express it. I can't show it, I can't react and it's making me go insane in my head because if he find out then I know he is a hungry predator who want nothing other than to suck my soul. There's no human emotions in him, he is so a demon and I has no doubt that he can easily haunt on my fear without caring about me for his submission and won't leave me until I will left with nothing, shredding me in broken pieces in the process till I submit to him.

Sometimes when I flinch due to fear and images in his hold which gotten tighten around me whenever I move while he was fast asleep. 

Scared, stiff, in fear and panic I finally gave up and decided to shut all the doors of mind and sneak in his warmth until my fear will open these doors again jolting me up.

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Finally after struggling with myself I decided to leave the room and went in the indoor garden. 

I was sitting on the bench looking at the bright sun and sky thinking voidly.                            

What you are going to do next my subconscious said. 

Nothin I am blank to think anything I said inside my head they are back, he brought them back. 

Stop thinking about them again El and don't lose yourself, you had already gone through this phase then stop torturing yourself again. For how long you are going to live with your guilt even knowing that, the man you killed deserves the death.

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