She is the one by Asheslove (that summer book .TXT) 📗

"I am going to bring first aid box, don’t let her look down at her feet otherwise she'll faint” Dad said looking at my bleeding sols and left inside. My mom pulled me away from her and wiped my tears from her soft cotton like wax finger tips. 

‘It’s not you who made me cry dear, it’s your pain. It hurts every time when I saw you suffering like this, it hurts when I saw you crying. It scares me when you act like this and hurt yourself'. 

'I am sorry mom but I can't help myself, I can't'. 

'Let's go to your room first' she said helping me to stand.'

I destroyed it again mum'.

'Don't worry its fine not a big deal'. We walked to the room. Her eyes met the floor on the marks of my red footprints and she released a deep sigh.

I laid my head in her lap and curled myself. 

'Was Alex crying because of me mommy' I asked from my hiccups, even though I know he is too small to understand anything I can't help but think. 

'Do you love him Elena' my mom asked her fingers combing my hairs gliding easily in my silky shoulder length locks. Her question took me of surprise, what she is saying suddenly, of course I love my brother. 

'More than my life mom' I said looking up in her eyes.

'Do you love me and your dad El' she asked again. What's wrong with her, why is she asking weird questions?

'You are my everything mom, but why are you asking this, you already knew how much I love all of you' 

'Alex is your younger brother El, doesn’t he want and deserves the love of her elder sister. Why you avoid playing with him'.

I paused and closed my eyes in her lap 'because I think I might hurt him if I touch him and you knew this already'.

She took a long breath 

'You love us all and you think you care about everyone but you know what. You don't, you don't love us Elena'

'Mommy, what are you saying you all are my everything, my whole world? How can you even think that' I said confused with a frown getting up from her lap but she pulled me back and laid my head again in her lap. 

'You don't Elena because if you do then you wouldn't have hurt yourself, you wouldn't have tried to attempt suicide so many times' she said her voice filled with agony.

'Don't say this mom, it hurts, it's not like how you are thinking. I just can't control myself' I said weeping softly.

'And what do you think, doesn't it hurt us when you harm yourself. Don't we love you'. 

'MOM'. 

My father interrupted us when he entered in the room with first aid box in his hands. My mom slide my head from her lap and got on her feet. 

'I will do' she said taking the box from him and gave him a confronting believing nod. Putting a sorrowful glance at me, without saying a word he left the room.

'Don't look at your feet' she said softly taking my feet in her hands.

'It hurts when you harm yourself like this' she said touching the cotton pad on the sole of my foot. It burnt but I didn't hissed, she did. 

'It hurts when we saw cuts on you which you give to yourself, it hurts when we found you crying in the corner of the room, it hurts when you broke all the mirrors of the house with your hands without caring that in the process you too get hurt, it hurts when you jolt up every night screaming. It tremble our souls when we found our beloved daughter unconscious in her room when she took a handful of sleeping pills or try to kill herself whenever she got chance'. She muttered her voice completely filled with fear and pain. 

I didn't say anything only cried silently because I knew whatever she was saying is totally right. 

'You hurt yourself El because you can't control yourself because you think what you did was wrong, because your remorse won't let you but does hurting yourself helped you. You are doing this from more than a year, your behavior become more violent and aggressive then before but does anything changed, does it reduce your regret, your fear, your pain, your agony’. 

'I am really sorry mom that you all get hurt because of me. I am a horrible person and a very, very bad daughter. I don't feel like myself anymore. All I see when I look at myself in the mirror is a monster, a murderer, darkened person who is inside me' this is all I managed to speak.

'You are facing this from one and half years and I had seen it very close from you but believe me sugerpop you are not that. You are not a monster Elena. You are pure, pure as a river, your heart is very sensitive and vulnerable which is all filled with kindness and love and I know it doesn't allow you ever to accept what you did which is enough to prove that what you are Elena. You are not any monster, you never was and you never will' she said wrapping the bandage around my feet and after she was done she came at my side and started stroking my hairs.

'Your demons are strong Elena, very strong but they can't turn you in a monster until you will let them. What happened on that day was too scary for you to face and when you weren't able to take it emotionally it came out from you physically. I am not saying what you did was right but hating yourself, accusing yourself and hurting yourself is wrong, it won't turn things back'. 

'But it was happened by me mum, it was my hands which did that and I can't forget that, never' 

'I don't know how to console you El, no one of us know a way to make you believe that what you did was not your fault and these voices will follow you until you feel guilty for his death and blame yourself. It's not his death which is haunting you, it’s your regret and remorse which is scaring you, which build this fear in you' she kept saying and I kept hearing her sincerely because all she saying was true. 

'Regret and guilt are the emotions which can make a monster to saint and a saint to a monster Elena and I don’t want you to turn into that'

She took a long breath and start again 'We had tried everything so that you will fight your fear and accept it Elena, this is what all therapists and doctors said is only way to bring you out from your trauma but nothing is working on you and now it’s enough. I can't see you in pain like this. I don’t care if your trauma will leave you or not, if you get rid of your fear or not but I can't let you hate and hurt yourself anymore'.