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of makoti sleeping during the day. Sizwe makes breakfast, we eat and we head to our different rooms. I take a shower and head to bed. I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

I guess itā€™s true when they say time flies when you are having fun. I really enjoyed my time here with Zweliā€™s family. Heā€™s here to fetch me. I feel like dying. Iā€™ve been dragging this day. I say goodbye to his family. My heart feels heavy.

We travel for almost 15 minutes when he stops under some bridge. Iā€™m sitting here thinking he needs to pee or something until he opens the passenger seat. Now I see why he chose a car with tinted windows. He rips my dress and underwear and he rapes me. I try to scream but he puts his hand over my mouth. I keep begging him to stop but like the previous times. He doesnā€™t stop. When heā€™s done, he walks to the driverā€™s seat and he drives to his house.

                        ***

Zweliā€™s mood swings change every 5 seconds. One minute we are sitting in the couch with his brothers laughing. The next heā€™s so serious and he rapes me. Like now heā€™s in a very good mood. It must be a contract gone according to plan or something like that. He talks to me, he doesnā€™t ignore me all the time like he did when I first got here. The other day he asked if Iā€™d like to go out, heā€™s meeting some people for business and he wanted me to come over. But I didnā€™t want to. And he didnā€™t force me to he just let me stay and read some of his books.

Iā€™m so frustrated and Iā€™m taking my frustration out on everyone. I almost bit Zweliā€™s head off the other day. He accidentally spill coffee on my cv. Itā€™s been 3 months, I have applied for more than 300 jobs and Iā€™m not getting any. Makes me regret going to Varsity.

ā€œWhatā€™s up with you?ā€ Zweli asks me.

ā€œI have applied for so many jobs. I even lost count but I keep getting ā€˜we regret to tell youā€™ emails. Itā€™s so frustrating. I mean I studied my butt off and for what to be rejected by these stupid companiesā€

ā€œI can always get you a job or buy you a companyā€ he replies like he means that. Why am I even talking with this guy? I just nod, I donā€™t trust him. I go upstairs to look at the tools I need to open a workshop and fix cars around here because car owners around here are clueless. But then I remember that Zweli didnā€™t even bother to show me around the house. So I decide to give myself a tour. Iā€™m walking towards the pool when I hear voices coming from the ground. Am I going crazy or what? I look around I donā€™t see anyone. And then I see a crack on the concrete by the pool. I kneel down then I put my ear on the crack and then I hear laughter and voices. So this is a door? Who has a door on a concrete by the pool. I know I need to walk away and pretend that I didnā€™t hear or see anything, but being the person that I am I decide to go inside. I push the concrete slab to the side and the door opens like a sliding door. I look around, I donā€™t see anyone in sight I get in and I quickly close the door behind. I walk down the stairs. They are busy talking they donā€™t hear me coming in. I knew something illegal is going on here but I didnā€™t expect to see drugs. I see girls in bikkiniā€™s some are putting the drugs inside their bags others are swallowing the drugs. I quickly leave the place before anyone can see me and report me to Zweli.

Chapter 4

For the past 2 months, I havenā€™t been feeling well. I know I might be pregnant because I missed my periods twice. I always wanted to have babies but not with a monster like Zweli. I donā€™t know who to ask so I call his mother. Iā€™m scared to take one of Zweliā€™s car.

ā€œHelloā€ his mom answers.

ā€œHello?ā€ she repeats when I go mute. I donā€™t know what to say.

ā€œIā€™m sorry to bother you ma. I have no one to call. I need to buy a pregnancy teā€¦ā€ I donā€™t get to finish. Mrs. Khumalo squeals into the phone like a little child and she tells me, sheā€™s coming over right now. Iā€™m so glad sheā€™s happy. But the problem is that Iā€™m not.

ā€œZekhetheloā€ she walks in more like runs inside. She plants kisses all over my face, telling me how happy she is. We walk out to her car, and today sheā€™s driving a blue BMW. Twenty minutes later we are at the medical centre. Sheā€™s busy telling me how happy and proud she is. Sheā€™s hoping for a girl, it has always been her dream to have a baby girl but instead she gave birth to 3 boys. Iā€™m so happy, sheā€™s happy. I wonder what Zweli will say. She booked an appointment at the local gynae. And she confirms that Iā€™m 4 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately she cannot say the gender as yet but I should come in 2 months for routine check-up. If it was possible, I was going to abort. I canā€™t bring a child into this world. Iā€™m not ready, Iā€™m only 24. Okay Iā€™m old enough to be a mother. But I was hoping Iā€™d have my first child when Iā€™m almost 30. Mrs. Khumalo is so happy, I wish I could share her happiness. Iā€™m scared I wonā€™t love my little one.

                        ***

Two weeks later, I havenā€™t told Zweli. I know this is stupid but I am looking for a special way of telling him. I just have an idea that if I make him love me he will treat me right. I know that he has a sweet tooth and he loves chocolate muffins. So Iā€™m standing by the sink, I just baked a muffin. The only thing left is the icing. Iā€™ll give him a muffin with the words: ā€œCongrats youā€™re going to be a fatherā€ because Iā€™m not sure on the gender yet. I was thinking I should use a white frosting for the words. When Iā€™m done, I put the muffin in a box and I walk to our bedroom, for a quick shower. His family will be here. I also want to surprise his siblings. I hope their mom havenā€™t told them because I know for sure she hasnā€™t told Zweli. After bathing, I leave the room. Iā€™m walking towards the steps when Zweli shouts my name walking towards me. Iā€™m standing at the top step too shocked to move. Heā€™s so furious, calling me a whore and all sorts of name. He chokes me against the hand rail.

ā€œWhy didnā€™t you tell me you were pregnant? Or am I not the fatherā€ he asks. Iā€™m too shocked to move or answer him.

ā€œSo now you canā€™t talk?ā€ he asks pushing me forcefully down the stairs. I black out before I can land on the floor.

                        *

I wake up in a hospital bed with Zweli, his mom and brothers sitting around the bed looking all worried. If I had my way, I wouldnā€™t have seen Zweli until the next life, thatā€™s if heā€™s not going to hell like his mother-in-law.

ā€œYou almost gave me a heart attackā€ Mrs. Khumalo tells me getting emotional.

ā€œIā€™m sorryā€ I put my hand on my stomach and Mrs. Khumalo wails. I know the belly hasnā€™t started showing. But ever since the gynae confirmed I was pregnant I always put my hand on my tummy, and I am starting to love the baby even though it was conceived under such circumstances. Zweli excuses himself.

ā€œZekhethelo, we have something to tell youā€ Sizwe tells me looking anywhere but my face.

ā€œSureā€

ā€œItā€™s not easy, but you lost the babyā€

I think I stop breathing for a second. This is too much. Iā€™m only 24. First it was my mom, Bongaā€™s death, being forced into marriage, the rape and now this? I donā€™t think Iā€™ll cope.

ā€œThank God youā€™re okayā€ my grandma walks in with all my aunts and uncles. My dad walks in last, I thought he didnā€™t come. When my grandma hugs me. I canā€™t pretend to be strong anymore, I canā€™t hold back the tears. I cry my eyes out. It hurts.

ā€œItā€™s okay mzukulu, weā€™re here.ā€ Itā€™s not okay I feel like screaming but I know my grandma means well.

ā€œHow are you feeling?ā€ Mrs. Khumalo asks me.

ā€œI donā€™t knowā€ all I know is that I need to be alone. But I donā€™t say that out loud.

ā€œNext time watch where you are goingā€ my dad tells me giving me a hug. I didnā€™t realise I missed him so much. One of the nurses gets in and tells them that I need to have a maximum of 4 visitors. So my aunts, uncles and Zweliā€™s brothers leave. Leaving my dad, grandparents and Zweliā€™s mom. My dad holds my hand the whole time.

ā€œI told your mom that youā€™re here. I hope you donā€™t mindā€ my grandma tells me. I do mind but I just nod. I hope she wonā€™t come here and play mother hen.

ā€œWhere is your husband?ā€ my granddad asks frowning in disapproval. Iā€™m just glad heā€™s not here. His mom tells my granddad that he went out to buy me something to eat. The bell rings. Visiting hours are over. They all hug me goodbye. As soon as they leave the Doctor comes in for his daily afternoon rounds and she tells me that they will release me tomorrow morning.

                        ***

As if I havenā€™t suffered enough. Zweli is here to fetch me. He takes my hand but I yank it back. Iā€™m too mad. I lost my baby because of him. Instead of apologising heā€™s pretending to be a good husband. I decide to follow him behind. Thirty minutes later we are home. Iā€™m welcomed by both families. My mom is here with Joe and with Lindo and Melo. I greet everyone. Nonhle decides to hug me. I hug her back. I really need a hug so I put the abandoning part at the back of my head for now. She starts crying. My God this woman.

They cooked lunch. Thereā€™s a buffet. Iā€™m not hungry but they went all out so I dish up a very small portion. Everyone seems surprised but I just need to sleep. After lunch I say goodbye to my family and I head to bed I need to sleep.

                              ***

The past 4 weeks have been hard. Iā€™m starting to feel like I wasnā€™t meant to be happy. I donā€™t know but I blame my mom for all of this. If she didnā€™t leave then I wouldnā€™t be in this mess. I wasnā€™t going to be working on the workshop. Sheā€™d clearly help my dad and Iā€™d go to school like I wanted. I wouldnā€™t be a mechanic and on that day I wouldnā€™t have met Zweli. I havenā€™t seen or heard from Zweli since I came back from the hospital. I was told that he went to away for business his brothers have been keeping me company. They probably feel bad about their brother leaving me at a time like this but itā€™s cool with me. I need to be alone.

Iā€™m lying in bed, today I donā€™t feel like getting out of bed or opening the curtains. Someone budges into the room and they open the curtains. I donā€™t even look I keep my eyes closed.

ā€œMy mom invited us for lunchā€ Zweli tells me. I donā€™t answer him I just keep quiet. I donā€™t feel like leaving the house. I just want to sleep in peace.

ā€œDid you hear me?ā€ I still donā€™t say anything. I donā€™t want to hear his voice or see his

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