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tells me to do the same when he’s done.       

                        *****

I like mini dresses but since the rape, I don’t wear anything short. They suddenly make me feel dirty. But today I’m wearing a short dress. I walk to the kitchen for breakfast, Zweli’s brothers left a week back and the house is so quiet. I miss their presence. They make living here a little easier. I am able to put everything at the back of my head when I’m with them. I walk to the lounge to read a book Sizwe borrowed me. When I pass by the dining room, Zweli is in a meeting with buffy guys they must be his guards or securities. He’s no longer talking he’s staring at me. I don’t know whether I should walk to the lounge or just stand there. The voice in my head is screaming move but I can’t move. It’s like my legs no longer work. The guys are looking at me funny. If I was beautiful I’d say they’re drooling over me but I can’t lie to myself now can I? The next thing I know he’s dragging me to the dining room table. He rips my clothes and the people gasp and then he does the unthinkable, he rapes me in front of these people. I try to scream but my voice doesn’t come out. It feels like a dream I just hope someone wakes me but it’s not. And when he’s done he tells me that I should go wash myself up. One of the guys is crying. I walk away with no clothes. I walk to the bathroom to ‘clean myself up’. This is too much. This is getting out of hand. My dad will have to forgive me, I can’t do this anymore so I rummage through the drawers for any kinds of pills there are none. I start to scream, I’m frustrated I hope he had pills so I can commit suicide. I find pain killers at the bedside drawers he purchased a week ago. I put them in my mouth and then I think of my dad. I can’t do this to him it’ll kill him. I walk to the bathroom to flush them. I take a long bath. I’m never satisfied no matter how hard I try to scrub myself. Eventually, I give up I won’t be able to scrub all the filth. So I dry myself clean the bath tub then I walk to the walk-in closet I take a maxi dress. I walk over to the bed and I try to sleep. But I can’t 3 hours later I give up. I just sit on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

“There you are” maShezi walks in, she tells me that she’s been looking for me. I enjoy her company so much but right now I don’t feel like having company. She asks me what I feel like eating, I’m not hungry. I always force myself to eat but today I can’t. I can’t walk into that dining room after he humiliated me in front of all those people. I can’t do it. I tell her I’m not hungry she frowns. Fortunately she doesn’t ask any questions she says okay and she leaves. I take my phone and I go through my emails. I have so many emails. I’ve been applying for a lot of jobs and all the emails start with ‘we regret to tell you’. I thought obtaining my degree with so many distinctions I’ll get a job quick. It’s funny how they want experience even when someone is fresh from Varsity. It’s really frustrating. I apply for more jobs. I hope I get one job even if I have to work for transport it’s okay. I can’t be sitting here all day it’s going to make me sick. And now I can’t go to the lounge to fetch the book.

I must’ve fallen asleep because I feel someone shaking me. It’s Zweli. I freeze, he’s not here to rape me now is he?

“My mom is here” he tells me then he walks out the door. I fix the bed cover, walk to the bathroom to wash my face. I walk to the lounge. No matter how much I try to avoid the dining room I can’t. I quickly walk past it. I find Mrs. Khumalo on the couch with her son massaging her swollen feet. I greet her with a hug, she’s a hugger this one. She tells me that Zweli is going away for 2 weeks for business so she’s here to take me to her house since my dear husband won’t be able to take me with. I smile, never been so happy to leave this house. I run to our bedroom. I even take 2 steps at a time. I quickly pack my bag. Five minutes later, I’m done. I walk back to the lounge. They are busy talking so I wait for them to finish. I’m the first one out the door. I hardly go out, I didn’t even notice how beautiful the weather is. I like sunny days.

“Aren’t you going to kiss your husband goodbye?” OMG. I shake my head no when Zweli walks towards me with a smile. He kisses my forehead, cheeks, chin and lastly my mouth. We say our goodbyes.

“You don’t have to be shy. You’re a married woman” I’m too shy to say anything. Besides it’s not like we are married because we love each other. I honestly don’t know why Zweli chose me of all people in the world. It’s not like I’m beautiful. No matter how much people say beauty is not everything. I actually think, beauty is everything. Otherwise we wouldn’t have slay queens and people who go for plastic surgeries.

I’m so happy to be out of that house. I’m even smiling at myself.

“Did you hear what I just said?” Mrs Khumalo asks me smiling. I hope she’s not thinking I’m thinking about her son because I’m not. We get to her house after an hour on the road. It’s a beautiful one storey house. I see guards outside the house like Zweli’s place. I greet them they just nod. We go through a sliding door. She decides to give me a tour.

Such a big and beautiful house. 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms, 2 dining rooms, a kitchen and a very beautiful lounge. We sit on the couch and watch a movie. I don’t watch the movie because we are busy chitchatting. Around 4pm we decide to go cook supper, her boys are coming over. I’m so excited they are coming by. They are sweetest people ever. At 5pm they walk in looking very beautiful. They both hug their mom and kiss her on the forehead. They also hug me.

“We have a surprise for you” Sizwe tells me smiling. I love surprises more than anything.

“We know you are graduating tomorrow. So we are taking you to Joburg. Mama bought you a dress and shoes” Mpumelelo announces. I choke back the tears. I forgot about my graduation. With everything going on.

“Oh guys, I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything” Sizwe answers.

“When are we leaving?” I ask them quickly tiding the table.

“We’ll wash the dishes” Sizwe takes them from me. I want to argue but Mpumelelo shakes his head. We leave after they are done with the dishes. Mpumelelo is driving. Seven hours later we’re at my house. It’s 3 in the morning. My father is so happy to see me. I didn’t tell him I was coming. I wanted to surprise him like I was surprised.

Mpumelelo and Sizwe share one of the guest rooms, while I share my room with Zweli’s mom. I missed home so much.

My alarm goes off at 8am. Four hours before my graduation. An hour and half we’re done. I feel beautiful today. I’m wearing a red knee length bob tube dress with black heels. Zweli’s mom works her magic on my black natural hair. I look in the mirror and smile to myself. I’ve been looking forward to this day since I started Varsity. We eat breakfast and leave. There’s so much traffic, I was scared we wouldn’t get there on time. When we get to Campus I remember that I get 3 tickets. When I tell them, Sizwe tells me not to worry, he’ll get a ticket.

“How?” I ask

“I’ll pretend you didn’t ask me that”. I’m so nervous. I hope everything goes well and that I don’t trip and fall on stage. We decide not to wait for transport. We walk to the auditorium. While I’m getting the tickets and my name tag, my dad and Zweli’s mom go to hire my gown. I see the guys talking with some girl. When I walk over, Sizwe shows me a ticket with a huge grin on his face. Zweli’s mom loves taking pictures. We take so many pictures I end up complaining. Soon we’re ushered into the auditorium. Graduation begins. I’m so bored, makes me question what is it exactly I was looking forward to. Soon our row is standing in a queue. Names are being called. When it’s my turn, I’m so nervous. When my name is called. The boys clap so loud and whistle. My dad is a humble and shy person. He just smiles at me. When I move back to my seat, I’m so bored. I wish I could just leave. I take more pictures to kill time and lucky for me. We leave 30 minutes after. There are snacks but we don’t take anything, we leave. When we get home, the whole family is here even my mom and Joe. The nerve. There are 2 boys who look like twins and they look so much like her. They must be my brothers. How I wish I had brothers. There’s a buffet. Momo, and Bonga’s mom are also here. They bought me presents. Bonga’s mom tells me that his wife sent a package. Apparently Bonga bought me a graduation present when I was doing my first year. I feel so emotional. We take more pictures. We eat and chat the whole time. I’m so happy. Having a supportive family is not something everyone experiences. I mean it’s during the week but everyone is here makes me emotional.

“Zeh, I’m so proud of you” Nonhle hugs me. And I hug her back, but I quickly pull away. This makes me think of all the times, I needed her hugs.

“I want you to meet Lindokuhle and Melokuhle” and the 2 boys walk over with huge smiles on their faces. And I smile back. I’m not a hugger so I just smile at them.

“I’m Lindo” the first boy hugs me. I hug him back. And then Melo follows with a smile. He hugs me longer and he tells me that he’s been looking forward to seeing me. I’m so happy to meet them. I see my dad smiling at me. I take their phone numbers before I forget to. They help me with the dishes. And we get to know each other. Unlike Melo, Lindo is a little quiet. Lindo is an IT specialist at Nedbank here in Joburg. Melo is a club DJ. Even though Joe and Nonhle were against the idea of him not going to Varsity like Lindo they finally accepted his choice.

It’s time to leave but I don’t feel like leaving. Being here with my family makes me forget all the bad things I have endured in Durban. I leave with the promise to stay in touch with my brothers and meet with up with them soon. I don’t say anything to Nonhle. I didn’t take her digits, I have forgiven her but I don’t want her in my life. I’m not even angry at my dad for inviting her.

We travel the whole night. We get to Durban just after 6am. I’m so sleepy. I just hope Zweli’s mom is not against the idea

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