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 A Helpful Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

 

 

 

 

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” —Theodore Roosevelt

 

I’ve struggled with it most of my life. Typically, I blame it on having a twin brother who is five inches taller with much broader shoulders. But if I was being truly honest, more likely, it is simply a character flaw hidden somewhere deep in my heart.

I’ve lived most of my life comparing myself to others. At first, it was school and sports. But as I got older, I began comparing other metrics: job title, income level, house size, and worldly successes.

 

I have discovered there is an infinite number of categories upon which we can compare ourselves and an almost infinite number of people to compare ourselves to. Once we begin down that road, we never find an end.

The tendency to compare ourselves to others is as human as any other emotion. Certainly I’m not alone in my experience. But it is a decision that only steals joy from our lives. And it is a habit with numerous shortcomings:

 

Comparisons are always unfair. We typically compare the worst we know of ourselves to the best we presume about others. Comparisons, by definition, require metrics. But only a fool believes every good thing can be counted (or measured). Comparisons rob us of precious time. We each get 86,400 seconds each day. And using even one to compare yourself or your accomplishments to another is one second too many. You are too unique to compare fairly. Your gifts and talents and successes and contributions and value are entirely unique to you and your purpose in this world. They can never be properly compared to anyone else. You have nothing to gain, but much to lose. For example: your pride, your dignity, your drive, and your passion. There is no end to the possible number of comparisons. The habit can never be overcome by attaining success. There will also be something—or someone—else to focus on. Comparison puts focus on the wrong person. You can control one life—yours. But when we constantly compare ourselves to others, we waste precious energy focusing on other peoples’ lives rather than our own. Comparisons often result in resentment. Resentment towards others and towards ourselves. Comparisons deprive us of joy. They add no value, meaning, or fulfillment to our lives. They only distract from it.

Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.

How then, might we break free from this habit of comparison? Consider, embrace, and proceed forward with the following steps.

 

A Practical Guide to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

 

Take note of the foolish (and harmful) nature of comparison.

Take a good look at the list above. Take notice of comparison’s harmful effects in your life. And find priority to intentionally remove it from the inside-out.

Become intimately aware of your own successes.

Whether you are a writer, musician, doctor, landscaper, mother, or student, you have a unique perspective backed by unique experiences and unique gifts. You have the capacity to love, serve, and contribute. You have everything you need to accomplish good in your little section of the world. With that opportunity squarely in front of you, become intimately aware of your past successes. And find motivation in them to pursue more.

 

Pursue the greater things in life.

 

Some of the greatest treasures in this world are hidden from sight: love, humility, empathy, selflessness, generosity. Among these higher pursuits, there is no measurement. Desire them above everything else and remove yourself entirely from society’s definition of success.

 

Compete less. Appreciate more.

 

There may be times when competition is appropriate, but life is not one of them. We have all been thrown together at this exact moment on this exact planet. And the sooner we stop competing against others to “win,” the faster we can start working together to figure it out. The first and most important step in overcoming the habit of competition is to routinely appreciate and compliment the contribution of others.

Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude.

Gratitude always forces us to recognize the good things we already have in our world.

Remind yourself nobody is perfect.

While focusing on the negatives is rarely as helpful as focusing on the positives, there is important space to be found remembering that nobody is perfect and nobody is living a painless life. Triumph requires an obstacle to be overcome. And everybody is suffering through their own, whether you are close enough to know it or not.

 

Take a walk.

 

Next time you find yourself comparing yourself to others, get up and change your surroundings. Go for a walk—even if only to the other side of the room. Allow the change in your surroundings to prompt change in your thinking.

Find inspiration without comparison.

Comparing our lives with others is foolish. But finding inspiration and learning from others is entirely wise. Work hard to learn the difference.

 

Humbly ask questions of the people you admire or read biographies as inspiration. But if comparison is a consistent tendency in your life, notice which attitudes prompt positive change and which result in negative influence.

If you need to compare, compare with yourself.

 

We ought to strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves—not only for our own selves, but for the benefit and contribution we can offer to others. Work hard to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Commit to growing a little bit each day. And learn to celebrate the little advancements you are making without comparing them to others.

With so many negative effects inherent in comparison, it is a shame we ever take part in it. But the struggle is real for most of us. Fortunately, it does not need to be. And the freedom found in comparing less is entirely worth the effort.

 

Annoying Things Guys Do

 

 

 

 

Wondering why you aren't getting anywhere with that cute girl at work? Confused because the girl you met on Tinder blew you off after your first date? Was it something you said? She probably won't tell you, because she's polite. Good news — that doesn't mean you're doomed to ignorance forever! There are certain conversational traps that men often fall into, like bad habits. You may not even realize it but if you're doing any of the things on this list, there's an excellent chance she thinks you're annoying:

 

1) Joking When Women Are Being Serious

 

Yeah, yeah, you all heard that women love funny men. That doesn't mean that you'll win her heart by firing off jokes when she's in the middle of a work crisis! Contrary to popular opinion, it probably won't make her feel better. She's trying to talk about something that's important to her and you're seizing the opportunity to make a joke that SNL did five years ago. I hate to break it to you, but it wasn't funny then and it certainly won't strike her as funny when she's upset because she deleted the wrong file on her computer.

 

2) Correcting Us On Points Of Trivia

 

She says in her OkCupid profile that she's watched all twelve of Quentin Tarantino's films. You, being a Tarantino buff, know that the man has directed thirteen films. You’re itching to point this out to her — surely she’ll be grateful for the correction!

No, friend. She will not. Nor will she appreciate you pointing out that her favorite band was formed in 1999 instead of 1998. Here's a simple test: Is the correction Really Important? Is it a life-or-death issue? If it's not, consider letting this one go. Unless she's trying to win Local Trivia Night, chances are she will be unimpressed by your correction.

 

3) Giving Us Tongue-In-Cheek Compliments

 

You know that scene in that romantic movie where the girl comes down the stairs in a breathtaking ball gown and her date says jokingly "Jeez, you could've at least made an effort"? No? That's because that's not the stuff of romance.

I know: complimenting women is scary and for suckers because it makes you seem vulnerable. If you tell her how beautiful she looks, she might think you like her! Here's the thing: you have to put yourself out there sometimes. A sincere, well-timed compliment will stay with her for a long, long time. And you want to be that guy who stays in her head for a long, long time.

 

4) Unsolicited Advice On How To Fix Our Problems

 

Sometimes women talk about their problems without wanting advice on how to solve them. A radical concept! But it is born of a basic human need: the need to vent. When she tells you about the horrible thing Martha said to her at brunch, you don't need to immediately respond with, "Well, why don't you tell Martha to take a hike?" Chances are she already knows what the solution is. Maybe the obvious solution is not feasible, for whatever reason. (Maybe Martha is planning on leaving her money in the will.) Whatever the situation, it can be annoying to be given obvious advice. If she isn't asking you for advice, maybe she doesn't want it.

 

5) Never Asking Us Questions About How We Are

 

If you're texting a girl, be sure to ask her questions. Why? Because if you don't, the conversation will die. It's really as simple as that. How can you play tennis with a partner who doesn't return your ball? Why should she respond to a long text about your day, unless you follow up with "How was your day?" She wants to date a man who's interested in her life. What books she likes. What her favorite flavor of ice cream is. If you're not psychic and you don't ask her questions, how will you ever figure out it's mint chocolate chip?

 

6) Always Talking About What They Find Hot & Not

 

"I don't think it's hot when women —" What’s that? The beginning of a sentence that’s a terrible idea, actually. Women aren't necessarily looking for your opinion on whether you prefer blondes or brunettes, or whether sandals are attractive! Sandals are comfortable — she's not wearing them expressly for the purpose of your boner. Even if you're talking about something you find hot, this line of conversation can backfire. It sounds as if your opinion is the only one that matters, and that's never a good thing.

 

7) Seizing Every Opportunity To Have A Debate

 

No, her Facebook status is not the place for you to begin a 300-comment thread debating her opinion. Debating isn't necessarily fun! It can be exhausting to have everything you say questioned or argued with. If you don't agree with something your date says, you don't have to have a debate about it. Imagine being the guy she tells her friend about the next day: "It was so awful! He spent the whole main course arguing about why Breaking Bad was a better show than The Wire." Pick your battles.

 

8) Expecting Us To Entertain Them

 

Here's a good rule of thumb: Don't just talk to women because you're bored. The "I'm bored. What's up?" text is something every woman has gotten, and it's always annoying. Even worse, it has about as much sex appeal as a wet sock. Now she's thinking of you as a guy who has absolutely nothing fun or creative to say. Yuck. Similarly, you shouldn't be expecting women to be doing the entertaining on dates. Too many guys sit back, fold their arms, and expect the woman to impress them. You're advertising yourself, too! Talk about things that excite you. Talk about why lobsters look like a mistake of nature. This is a two-way street, bucko.

 

9) Quizzing Us When We Say We Like Something

 

"Oh, you drink whiskey? Really? I find that hard to believe… what brand? Don't worry, I won't judge you. Well, only a little bit." It's 2016. Time to learn that women may like lots of the things you like! Including video games, sports, comics, cheap beer, and even that one really manly show you watch where dudes wrestle grizzly bears in the outback. If you guys have stuff in common, that's great! Talk about it. But don't act as if she automatically has something to prove. Playing gatekeeper isn't attractive, and you're wasting valuable time